Vacation Saturday – Wreckless Exposition of Self

I was not ambitious this morning and did not make it out of bed until 7. It is a little snowy, so I am somewhat glad I bagged the performance driving to KC.

I am sitting here realizing that this is a day for going within and listening to Jesus, who speaks in non-words.

Looking at the internet, I realize that nothing will entertain me out there. In fact, yesterday someone criticized me on a bulletin board and my spiritual practice was to refrain from proving her wrong, using her own words. I could go to a Mass here in Atchison, but I don’t think that will entertain me either. Only the God within can satisfy me. Not reading books about the God within, but experiencing Him first hand. Truly a St Romuald day of sitting in my cell, watching my thoughts and singing the Psalms.

How I perceive what others think about my contemplation is an insane delusion fabricated out of the past and torturing me in the present. How often have I punished myself because someone made a comment about how I must be lonely or how wonderful their group experience was. How often I have been frustrated because I couldn’t explain that there is another world which is spiritual, non-physical and all love; but no one seems able to really go there with me. This failure to express convincingly is my pain. Metaphysics just don’t appeal to most people. Sometimes I feel like a flawed psychological development because I connect in a metaphysical reality; but physical realities seem meaningless.

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) supports the metaphysical reality as real and God Love; and the ego world is meaningless. I have not progressed in my learning enough to be comfortable with this and be able to consistently use Christ vision to look beyond the physical illusion to the Christ in all others. It would be worth it as my lifetime project to accept Christ’s presence within me in this total way and look only at Christ in others. So, that is why I do what I do and follow the instructions of ACIM so relentlessly. I have searched several religions and find the ACIM teaching to hold the greatest potential for success in overcoming illusion and being the Christ consciousness, nothing else.

As I write this, I fear publishing it. I know some people think ACIM is diabolical and that Catholicism is best, or Buddhism is best, or some other way is best. I am consciously facing my fear right now and giving it to the light of the Holy Spirit for healing. My pain can be healed and this is good for everyone. I face my painful and frightening delusions. I recognize my insanity: my perceptions of others cannot be the God Love reality. However, looking inward, under the fear, is the subtle quiet of love. This inner finding is the silent light of Christ, forever within my consciousness. I avail my self of this gentle peace whenever I dismiss my ego and come quietly to the light. I can bring my pain and fear here, and it is healed.

I lose my ego conditioned life to find my true Christ life. I shamelessly follow Jesus. I believe Jesus can restore me to sanity and I humbly offer myself to Him.

Believe it or not, I am going for a run in this light precipitation. I feel the levy north of town calling me. The levy runs through barren fields this time of year, and often, that run will be accompanied by a north wind to the face. Yet, I find the barren harshness to be refreshing and cleansing. It soothes my soul. Yes, this is what I am like. I stand without my Donald Duck mask. I laugh at my ego. Running and contemplation set me free.


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