Desert Silence

http://elenatabachnick.com/seeking/Monatery_for_People_of_No_Particular_Tradition.html

I stole this picture from a web page called \”Monastery for People of No Particular Tradition\” (or something like that). I picture my self as a solitary monk sitting at the edge of the \”courtyard,\” forever contemplating the presence of Love, which exists everywhere.

When I lived in a real monastery, I learned about how monastics do not go on trips in the country side but journey inward toward the heart of God. This journey is the one I take whenever I am in solitude.

Recently, however, I\’ve had to break my arm to get a few days away from \”it all.\” Speaking of my arm, I am having a little more sculpting done on it on Thursday. Unfortunately, the timing is very bad and I will have to be at work next week. I guess I\’ll be on drugs while I sit in my office and help the people who are coming to see me.

I had a breakthru today: I suddenly realized today, at a much deeper level, how guilty I have felt for not pleasing others or being approved of. Of course I have heard many times, “What others think of me is none of my business.” Logically, I agree; but in my ego, I did everything to please others. I haven’t let go because I didn’t really understand how deeply ingrained “seeking approval” is in me. I become terrified of people whose plans for me appear to hem me in. What a deep dogma? What incredible social programming? My behavior pattern is so intent on hiding who I really am because I feel guilty for not-going-along. Today, I am more free than I have ever been! This experience is true self transcendence. It came from serious spiritual work coupled with a willingness to just open the door to Grace.

I stand strong in my spiritual decisions and the direction of my journey. I am learning to look beyond the physical in order to see only the spiritual. Some day, when I have learned the technique, seeing you only as spirit will be the greatest gift I have to give.

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