Lent 7 – A difficult emotional day

Solitude is my primary spiritual practice. I am crazy for choosing such an emotionally difficult path. In solitude, all my negative feelings make themselves heard. I am not doing anything to drown them out or run away.

It seems somewhat strange that I am on this path. People like me. When I make the effort, I am a good friend and a good group member. Before I went to the monastery, I never questioned this. I accepted my place as a well respected person. The first two years after leaving the monastery, I molded myself back into the parish community. They liked me and my contribution; but I slowly realized that it was false to me. I lost interest in the doings of the world. In the monastery, I had learned about solitude and I knew I wanted to go and find whatever I could. I am willing to fight desert demons as long as St Anthony, even; for What I am looking for is that desired.

My huge problem seems to be that I am very interested in the abstract content of God, spiritual relationship and emotion. I am no longer interested in the ritual forms or catechetical forms. The abstract makes perfect sense to a physicist, but not to a humanist. My humanist side diminishes as I walk the path of solitude because I see that “problems” are not real, but emotional fabrications. My ability to converse diminishes because the abstract is unknown territory for most people (want to discuss the Fourier Transform of Joy with me?). The humanist interest in forms is cozy and familiar and unending. Illusion is the territory of most human dramas. People move from problem to problem to problem thinking that is life, and not considering shutting off their illusion projector. I don’t do the human social dance. I am disconnected from society and doing everything in my power to widen the gap. No wonder I think I am despicable: I just don’t cooperate unless I have to. My actions go against every teaching I can think of.

There is a very good reason for the pursuit of solitude. When I figure out how to say it, I’ll explain. For now, it is ineffable, unspeakable, mysterious….ummm…That, the Who of All which won’t put Itself into words, being only describable as Word, Logos, Christ.

Personal statistics: I ran 6.5 miles after work. 2 days until high speed internet arrives at my home. I\’ve been raw for 14 days. I ate seaweed and grated zuccini and a whole honey dew melon for supper. I did the laundry and vacuumed the floors. Snow is still on the ground.

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