Jesus\’ Prayers for us

I offer these two passages because they reflect each other and each is a reflection of the Truth in my heart. Each is a beautiful prayer of Jesus. Each offers me a light, a focus for my journey.

In the Gospel of John (17:20 to 23) it says:
20\”My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.\”

In A Course in Miracles (28.IV.9) it says:
\”I thank You, Father, knowing You will come to close each little gap that lies between the broken pieces of Your holy Son. Your holiness, complete and perfect, lies in every one of them. And they are joined because what is in one is in them all. How holy is the smallest grain of sand, when it is recognized as being part of the completed picture of God\’s Son! The forms the broken pieces seem to take mean nothing. For the whole is in each one. And every aspect of the Son of God is just the same as every other part.\”

Sometimes I wonder if I am really serious about spirituality or if it is just a fascinating play toy; something which keeps my brain busy. Do I really believe in God? I’d like to claim that spirituality is the only valid reason for being alive. But sometimes I think I have a spiritual journey only because I hope to get something for myself. My ego desires seem to cover over any spiritual truth. Then, it is easy to forget truth and spend time unconsciously in ego. In ego, I am pursuing spirituality for myself. I become oblivious to my inner depths and the authentic love which resides there. As I question my own seriousness, however, I am able to wake up for a few moments and correct my course back to truth. At these brief moments, I touch my inner truth and feel its embrace. It is always glad to see me.

I ponder myself as a broken piece of the Son of God; and that my worldly persona means nothing. It was good to mean nothing as I went for a 3 mile run this morning. I have no big running plans right at the moment. I\’m glad to let go of any glorious pursuit. I\’m just a solitary runner in the early morning quiet; an un-special, broken piece of God\’s Son containing all of God and seeking to join with all the other holy pieces.

I am the Dreamer

I feel awesomely good today. I think it is because at some level, I accept responsibility for being the dreamer of the dream (re: A Course in Miracles, ACIM, 27.VII). My dream is of a world which is filled with hate. It is not scary to accept this at a deep level because I have Help with a solution to the problem. It is not hard to accept that I made the hateful dream because I hate God if I have a solution which assures me I am not guilty and God loves me. If I believe that God made this hateful world, then there is no possible way I could love a God who would do that. If I believe I dreamed this hateful world, but God is here to heal me, then I can love God. My hateful mind needs healing and the healing is provided. The dream is a dream, not real, so I don’t need to be afraid that I have done something horrible for which God will punish me. I just dreamed it. This is the miracle.

My dream consists of a world where the air will hurt me but I must breathe it. The water will hurt me but I must drink it. The food will hurt me but I must eat it. The other people will hurt me but I must interact with them (swine flu is a perfect example of this). Do you see? I have dreamed a world full of hate. But the hate is mine. I had the hate then I projected it into a hateful dream. The hate came from the belief I am separate from God. If I give up the idea that God made this hateful place, then I can accept His help. I trust that God loves me. Loving God becomes my choice. I want to love God, therefore I give up the idea that God made this hateful place, in favor of the idea that I dreamed it; and that I can be completely free of the hate if I accept God’s healing of my mind.

When A Course in Miracles speaks of a miracle, it means a mind has been healed. That mind accepts its dream and goes on to accept happy dreams provided by the Holy Spirit. That mind is enabled to see holiness in everything which used to be seen as hateful. Instead of seeing other people as my enemy, I see them as holy, light-filled, and my sacred companions. Seeing like this is called Christ Vision. Christ Vision is given by the Holy Spirit. Seeing like this is called forgiveness. To forgive is not to pardon, but to look beyond the dream to the holiness present in everything. The real world is beyond my hateful dream world and I can see it as well as live there if I accept divine help.

I feel awesomely good today because I have had a moment of clarity regarding this radical teaching of ACIM. Having a new perception of the world enables me to walk more freely in the world and actually participate more because I am not afraid or hateful. I merely practice the Christ Vision.

Who the f**k am I?

Dear God, I can read the answer about who I am in a book; but I want to know your opinion directly. It is the whole reason I’m contemplative. I don’t want to be an unconscious person. I want to know, or life is a complete waste. Why run? Why be alive? These are the same questions. I keep doing both. I pause and listen with the ears of my heart:

As a child, I was merely trying to survive. In college, I had hopes for a meaningful career. In my 20’s, I hoped God would give me something. God and career joined forces. This modus operandi continued into AA, where I began to hope for a “spiritual experience,” and find a husband. Then I had an era of studying the New Age, where I hoped for enlightened ecstasy. I still wanted God to give me something.

Then, I got a motorcycle and a boyfriend. Pride won and lost. I was cool on the Harley, but I hated the attention because I knew it was fake. People admired my chrome and leather. Once in a while, someone would mention “God on a Harley” or “The Zen of Motorcycle Maintenance.” But I had found neither God nor Zen on the Harley; no spiritual experience. The boyfriend(s) didn’t provide the spiritual experience or even financial security. In fact, the boys were taking up a good deal of time. I eventually realized that the motorcycle and the boys were draining energy from the spiritual quest.

I got rid of both the cycle and the boyfriend. I discovered meditation. Meditation led back to religion as many meditaters are religious in some way. Then, I wanted to go to a monastery, where I hoped to find what the mystics had found. So, off I went. Four years later, finding myself unsuited to their communal life, the monastics booted me back to the secular world.

I made a new life in the secular world. I continued with religion for about two years, until I found I disagreed with its premises. To this day: I meditate, I run, I read, I talk to Jesus, I try this or that technique, I fast, I search the internet, I play free cell, I stay in solitude. This series constitutes a futile search.

I look inside, searching my inner being. I find that part of me continues the futile search, in frustration. Another part of me is happy to rest in peace. If I run, I can get a day-in-day-out peace with my body. If I meditate and study spiritual writings, I can get a day-in-day-out peace with my mind. But what about my spirit?

At the level of my humanity (body and mind), my life has accomplished nothing and means nothing. It is entertainment. If there is a higher level, a spiritual or divine level of existence, it does not produce at the human level. It must be relegated to the un-graspable, intangible, nebulous. It can enter a human awareness as intuition or peace; not as satisfaction or profit, but as fleeting phenomena. If peace and healing are the same, then it can be said that the spiritual heals. If peace and love are the same, then it can be said that the spiritual is love.

Love does produce human by-products. Love is a phenomenon. In my humanity, if I am at peace, then I am also love. Hence, the highest order of human existence is peaceful love or loving peace. In the state of loving peace, nothing about this world, my body or my mind matters. The world, my body and my mind, therefore, must not exist, or have meaning or purpose. True reality can only be loving peace, and not anything which doesn’t matter.

Being alive at the level of loving peace is satisfying. I call this satisfaction Christ. Loving Peace is Christ. I will give up myself to Christ. I will live in Christ, as Christ. Who the f**k am I? Christ. There is no other answer.

Personal statistics: I ran 17 miles this morning after the early morning storm. Since returning, we have had wave after wave of strong thunderstorms. In the ACIM workbook, I am on lesson 157 and in the text, I am at 28.I. I will need to mow the lawn during the week, as I didn\’t get to it today.

Inner Essence

My life is now and has been for a few years, characterized by an inner search for my hidden truth, my \”Da-sein\” as Heidegger would say. I had the thought of wanting to touch my inner as I went into meditation this morning. These words came out:

The roots
The essential
The elemental
The one defining thought


I exist to ponder
Its delights
Its thrusts
Its invasive ecstasy.

The silent light
The peaceful joy
Ineffable communion.

It is this Ineffable Communion to which I am currently lured and fixated with all my body, mind and spirit. Running, I am chasing that feeling which is beyond physicality. Thinking, I am sorting through the thought messages which are its love letters. Praying, I am listening, watching, allowing, absorbing Ineffable Communion.

Personal Statistics: yesterday, I took a day off running to do a little more healing from my 50k race, as insurance that that tiny little twinge of pain didn\’t become major because I was stupidly stubborn. Today, I had a magnificent 7 mile run. I felt like I was floating or gliding or flowing effortlessly forward; and could have done so forever. Running with impunity. Yesterday, a guy at work who I have know for 4 years at our plant in Illinois, talking on the phone, he found out I was 50 and he confessed that he thought I was 38. I blew his mind.

We walk to God

My work book lesson today says this in the first paragraph: \”There is a way of living in the world that is not here, although it seems to be. You do not change appearance, though you smile more frequently. Your forehead is serene; your eyes are quiet. And the ones who walk the world as you do recognize their own. Yet those who have not yet perceived the way will recognize you also, and believe that you are like them, as you were before.\”

And then, near the end, it says this: \”We walk to God. Pause and reflect on this. …He asks but that you think of Him a while each day, that He may speak to you and tell you of His Love, reminding you how great His trust; how limitless His Love.\”

Learning to remember God, learning you are love, learning this world is an illusion, learning how to live in peace; these are what A Course in Miracles teaches. I testify: it works if you work it. The Course requires study. It can\’t really be dummed down like most other philosophy. I am just grateful to my higher power and higher self or higher something, for enabling me to go ahead and work on learning. In the silence of my hermitage, I look at my inner pain and the pain I have dreamed out in the world. I don\’t deny I feel it, but I have learned to look beyond it using Christ vision, to see holiness and begin to identify more with holiness than the world. I have learned to shift from a body centered view to a Christ centered view. To have another perspective is a thing I am grateful for, and this is what the miracle is.

\”…to the One Who sends forth miracles to bless the world, a tiny stab of pain, a little worldly pleasure, and the throes of death itself are but a single sound; a call for healing, and a plaintive cry for help within a world of misery\”

And so, I recognize my own stabs of pain, be they a lump in my breast or a sore achilles or lack of money or old age or etc. Pleasure is the same as pain because it is still an attempt to hide from God; pleasure has the cost of pain. I let Christ see them and hear my cry of pain. Healing is brought to my mind, where the pain actually is, and healing extends through me out into unknown places. I am willing to go along with this. I am willing to live this paradigm because it has transcended.

Jesus is the name I use for my helper.

I had my special Friday celebration, as usual: I got up at 2:45 and did study and meditation for an hour and a half. Then I lifted weights and worked out on the back porch. It would have been a wonderful morning for running, but I am finding I need a little more recovery from my 50k race last weekend. As I worked out, I felt better and better.

Why do I think I exist?

At some ancient place in some ancient time, even before there was place or time, I existed as a thought of love in the mind of God. Somehow, I had a hateful thought. God instantly said, “No big deal, forget it.” As far as God was concerned, it was over.

But I was ashamed and felt guilty. I didn’t know how to let go or forget. I was worried that I had hurt God, whom I loved. I was worried that my stature in God’s eyes was diminished. I was afraid God might punish me for having had that thought. I knew I had the thought. I tried to hide the thought behind other thoughts. But the more thoughts I added, the worse things got.

Eventually, I had added so many thoughts that I became lost in them. My lostness is what I see as the world and my body today. Deep down, the root cause of the world I see is that I think I did something wrong; hence the world is a projection of my fear of punishment and an embodiment of my shame. I realize that whenever I sense something screwed up or difficult or I become embroiled in red tape or I fear illness like cancer; I am re-experiencing the thought, “I did something wrong.” I feel guilty all the time. In addition, I think salvation lies in conquering my problems through worldly means: getting angry at someone, paying for it, seeking medical attention, eating right, being a good girl and being approved of.

But really, the answer to my problems lies in God, remembering I am a thought of love in the mind of God. The answer lies in giving my life totally back to God. I have help in remembering from (whoever) Jesus, Christ, Self, Holy Spirit, The Voice for God, Atman, Buddha, etc. All my worldly problems are sourced in my one imaginary original problem: All of my problems are made out of thoughts trying to hide the one original hateful thought. Everything reflects: I think I did something wrong.

I pause many times a day, seek a holy instant where my mind is still and I am connected to The Voice for God, give my problem to Him and let Him heal my thinking. In the holy instant, I stop attacking and punishing for long enough to turn it over and let Him help me.

Yesterday morning, I got up at 3:15 and spent an hour in meditation and study. At 4:30, I went running. I ran 7 miles. My run was very silent. The two large industries in town were down due to city water work. That early, I rarely even see cars. I was thinking about a potential problem. After about 5 miles of running in the cool darkness, I had achieved a moment of clarity about the root cause. If I had that problem, it was because I had decided that salvation could be gained by conquering the problem. I don’t know how to permanently let go of my disastrous thinking, but I do know how to seek Jesus’ help. And so I did. During my run, I had my holy instant. Immediately, I made a different decision: salvation lies in returning to God. Salvation lies in letting go of all my thoughts which keep God out.

If you are a recovering alcoholic, this story is the embodiment of step two from the 12 and 12: Whenever we are troubled, we pause, ask for silence, and in the stillness say, “God, grant me the serenity….”

Day 3 – 61 hours of juice fasting

I am juice fasting as a duty to my body. It is rejuvenation. It is transformation. It is space and silence and listening.

When I was driving home at lunchtime, I really wanted to eat. But I prayed for Jesus to come into my fast. The word \”prayer\” has been on my mind. At lunch time, I pondered the subject. I have no answers. I get the most from prayer if I just stop and sink into it wordlessly. There are no new prayer techniques that are going to be more entertaining for the ego. God is satisfying but not at the ego level; and it is the ego I experience most of the time. So at lunch, I was able to pray and patiently wait. Prayer in this way becomes communion; but not ego gratification. This may be a lesson I am learning about the fact of God\’s presence.

Coming back from lunch, I searched the internet looking for \”something.\” I found that fasting is for sale. Everything is for sale nowadays. We need to stop buying, but “they” want us to keep buying. I will have to practice my fasting and come to my own conclusions. Like most things in this life, I’ve read everyone else’s book. I know the techniques. Now it is up to me to journey forth and find my own gold.

Back to the nagging doubts: I guess because my bowel is empty, I want to eat. I guess because I am tired of the juice, I want to eat. I may switch to Master Cleanser for a few hours, because this does not turn me off. The distilled water is delicious.

Well, there was another change at work: one of the top dogs was fired (we have been downsizing for months). Change scares me and I want to eat. But change is also transformation. Fasting is about transforming inside: so I go back to my inner searching, investigating fear and seeking Presence. Both are there. They are the gold. They are satisfying.

May I always subsist, abide and love this Communion with Them, which is so greatly on my mind and contained in “prayer.”

Distilled water is the water of life.

Juice fast – 47th hour

I wanted to pray, but I don’t know anything.
I can barely read or focus on anything.
My only possibility for prayer is silence.

Is prayer asking or talking or yearning?
Is the word, “prayer,” an expression of my deepest yearning for the Divine Presence?
His one Word of Love is my only thought and my only reality.

What really could be more fulfilling than allowing yourself to offer your innermost precious essence to the divine?
And know that the divine has offered Theirs?
And all precious essence is one.

I am the nectar of divine Life.
I am the sweetness of divine Love.
The scent of lilac drifts into my senses. It is communion.

It is quiet. I gasp. My heart beats.
The Gift of Presence is found in the depths of desire.
There is no one here but God.

The World

From A Course in Miracles:

  • …would you trade Them (the face of Christ and the memory of God) for an ancient hate?
  • The Holy Spirit\’s purpose is to let the Presence of your holy Guests be known to you.
  • …the world is purposeless apart from this.
  • …the insane have shed their garments of insanity to join Them on the ground whereon you stand.

Everyday for me is about seeing Christ in everything around me, but especially other people; because we are one, not separate. I use the world Christ because of the culture I was raised in. Atman, Buddha, Dharma, Tao, etc. are the same \”person.\”

I realize that I carry the ancient hate and made of it a garment of insanity. Being upset, a little frustrated or downright pissed: these all point to the ancient hate and I make insanity out of it. My job is to bring it to the Holy Spirit and allow it to be healed and shined away.

What does it mean to live in the realm of the spirit? Here is an analogy related to running races:

  • Christ= all the other runners. They are my fellows, not someone to beat. We are one.
  • The Creator= the race director.
  • Grace= the sports drink at the aid station, but you have to have a means of receiving the grace and in the ultra-marathon, you might/probably will need to bring your own.
  • The hydropak= the means of receiving and carrying grace. The means are spiritual practice, attentiveness to God, prayer and meditation.
  • Gel= food for the journey, spiritual writing.
  • Garmin= where am I at? The Spiritual Director.
  • The Holy Spirit needs no analogy. Spirit is always spirit and represents Itself in all situations at all times.

In my life, I don\’t want the ancient hate. I pay attention to my daily indications that it is there and I bring it to The Holy Spirit. This practice helps me to live happy. It is insane to live angry, but I need a way out. I use ACIM to learn.