Ultra-retreat – day 15

I just found out I won $300 at Maryville Marathon!

Every year, I notice that there are too many of some type of animal. Last year it was frogs. This year, I think there are way more bunny rabbits than usual. I cringe at how I will see them smashed on the road.

Lesson: \”Peace to my mind. Let all my thoughts be still.\”

Yesterday I mentioned letting go of control. That implied I was turning control over to God. Is it any wonder that I love A Course in Miracles for almost daily reminding me of God’s presence; and that all I need do is be quiet and listen to His Voice (instead of my ego voice). I would otherwise be panicked, as many are when they have no work.

Text 7.III:

– To be in the Kingdom is merely to focus your full attention on it.
– God has lit your mind Himself, and keeps your mind lit by His light because His light is what your mind is.
– Inspiration is of the Holy Spirit…He is in you…

What beautiful teachings Jesus had for me today. I really need to let God in, believe He is in my mind and my mind is in His.

During the run today, I thought a lot about the plumbing, the upcoming Psycho Psummer 50k and “is it ok for me to keep running like this?” I may shift my retreat more towards contemplation and taper for the Psycho. It is a grueling hot muddy race that will take me more than 8 hours to finish. I also need to plan a day for the plumbing (in case it takes me that long). I am able to fix the problem, but I usually have to make a trip to the hardware store right in the middle of everything.

Is it ok for me to keep running like this? Shoot! I can’t run like this to begin with. How it is that I am is beyond me. \”Should I keep going?\” may be a metaphysical question. Many laid off people are spending the summer carrying out their dreams. Running a self transcendence race is my dream. People do odd things over long periods of time to achieve a different reality than the everyday. I am changing my reality by running, silence and contemplation. I want to go down a layer of reality; to live outside the everyday illusion.

It is weird to finish off a 5 hour run in the hot sun, wishing you could keep going. My self transcendence is long and slow: not one humongous jolt, but daily mileage increases, drinks of water, electrolytes and peanut butter/honey sandwiches. Running down a long straight flat dirt road with corn fields on each side, deer flies attacking my legs, and sweat dripping down my face, IS the epitome of being as far as I’m concerned. This runner will win freedom from the ego norms and perceptions. This runner is my essence, pristine human elegance; the heart of my soul.

I spent a couple of hours a day directly on God when I was working. Now, I spend hours directly on God, but also spend the running time concentrating on the lesson. What a gob of time I don\’t spend on the ego world; but delving deeper into God. This is my addiction.

Now, I need to go think…

Ultra-retreat – Day 14

Today, I jog/walked 17 miles in the morning and walked 4 miles in the afternoon.

For the week, I jog/walked 112 miles and walked 19

For the ultra-retreat so far, 14 days: 243 miles

It is for self transcendence. I realize it is nonsense to spend time doing miles for no apparent reason; but that is part of the reason (allowing nonsense to rule my life). I am letting go of my mind\’s limits while I do miles. I don’t need to be socially acceptable right now, so I let the insanity surface and then let it go. When I was in college, my nick name was Spock. Now, I am letting the wild side out. Being free is the one thing I can afford right now. I think about my life. I think about society. I think about spirituality. All this thinking is a process of integration. As I walk along, some part of my brain sorts the pieces, leaves some in the dust, puts some together. I think about why I eagerly run some races and scoff at others. That is a microcosm of my life. To do these miles in solitude helps me hear the quieter voices.

All of my life, I have been in control. Now, I am looking for a job, but that is the only practical thing I am doing. Otherwise, it is sheer contemplation.

Day 13 – Something

I really really really want Something. I experienced that deep desire today and cried over it. I\’m sure it is God (that sounds so hokey); but the desire is more easily understood if I call it Home. Home = God. I am running Home. Self transcendence leads to Home; or why bother?

And then I sit aghast and in silence; surrounded by that loving Presence which I call Jesus or Christ or Holy Spirit or Self. And I do not think but allow myself to be drowned or dissolved or permeated such that just the One remains as pure existence, being without measure, incomparable light.

I choke at the Call. I sob at the Gift. Gratitude doesn\’t come within a quantum of expressing Our Union. Is the Union a thing I feel? No. It is a thing I know. Do not mistake it for bliss or ecstasy. It is the result of sweat, horseflies, endless miles of hills in a sunny swelter (Mark Z., this is why you love the heat). It is the result of silence and one pointed thinking of the one Fact: I am God\’s Child. I am God\’s Creation. God is my Authority and the Author of my life.

I know in silent contemplation. I know in the footfalls on a cinder path. I know in the meager bowl of lentils and rice which is my reward.

Tomorrow I will run again!

Selah!

Day 13 of Ultra-retreat – Outrageous

Spirit Flower, get out of here! Another 20 miles? Shish!

I got up at 3 and did my spiritual work. You would think an unemployed person would sleep in a lot more than I do; but so far at least half the time I\’m up at 3, and up at 4 for the other half. Runners will do anything to get their run in. At 4:30, I went and ran 10 miles, all running, no walk/jog, 80F and humid. I was in a hurry because I needed to get to Kansas City by 8 am for a fellowship meeting. But, this run felt really good. I was surprised. I’m wondering why things weren’t hurting or stiff or something. The only excitement, sort of, was that on one little loop, there was a big dog laying by the side of the road, panting and gasping as if it was about to die. I decided to turn around and not mess with that dog. You never know what a gasping panting dog is really up to. The next lap, it wasn’t there.

I had some fresh juice for the car trip to KC. I got there in time to go to the coffee shop, buy some produce and get to the meeting on time. Besides the juice and coffee, I also had three pieces of bread and some spirulina/chlorella. That is all I ate until now, after my second run.

I made it back home at 11. Now it was 92F with a breeze, still humid. I decided to go ahead and tackle at least 2 hours of walk/jog, just to get my mind around the idea of running in the heat. I just took water, 2 S-caps and the emergency Gu. I really did well. I thought I should be much more tired or sore or something. I think Mark Z., Battlefield Running Blog http://battlefieldrunning.blogspot.com/, has infected me with his love for heat. The heat really wasn’t bad.

Total for the day: 20 miles
Total for the Ultra-retreat: 222 miles

The past few days I have been running around and around a hilly park. Some ask if that is boring. Routes don’t really matter to me because running is the activity, not site seeing. But running laps is like being in a monastic cell; and I lived in one for 4 years. By restricting the outer distractions, you are better able to go inside the mind. Thus, contemplation expands inward not outwards. The monk learns to go on journeys through the infinite inner but never leave his cell. When I have nothing going on to look at, I am very well focused on my spiritual/ metaphysical work. And you should know that this means I am not using my ego to think about anything. The inner landscape is silent. It is also pure joy, but not in a noisy sort of way.

From the Little Rule of St Romuald:

“Sit in your cell as in paradise;
put the whole world behind you and forget it…
…realize you are in God’s presence;
hold your heart there in wonder…
Empty yourself completely;
Sit waiting, content with God’s gift…

Spirit Flower’s Personal Self Transcendence Race, day 12


Day 12 walk/jog: 13.5 miles

Race mileage total (walk/jog and walking): 198 miles

Today I did it again. I thought that because yesterday was 20 miles in one jog/walk then I should ease up today. So I went to the park thinking I’d only stay about 2 to 2 ½ hours. I took only water, 1 S-cap and the 1 emergency Gu. After a brisk 30 minutes walking warm up, I felt ok. It was warm and probably 100% humidity because there was this fog everywhere. As it lightened up, the fog added a mystery to my run; the mystery of why and the mystery of ability.

Today’s lesson: Only my condemnation injures me. My early morning meditation had been about fear. I saw clearly how at least 90% of my thoughts are fear related, even down to fear of running injuries. I thought about how I myself had told someone that joy was the best injury prevention. I surely believe that thinking proceeds occurrence and my fear thoughts could be holding a running injury or running out of money due to unemployment. I realized that I wasn’t completely trusting the Holy Spirit; yet there I was completing another long run for the 12th day in a row when I previously had not had the capability. “Something” is showing me.

Then, the lesson kicked in. Is it not a wonderfully joyful thought: just stop condemning and I will stop injuring myself? It crossed my mind that I was out there on water alone, pretty much, so my source could only be Source. This is true: Source is source and nothing else. I thought about how the calorie count has gone down the past few days and wonder if I’m not switching more and more to Source as my source.

I am in a Personal Self Transcendence Race. I am not training for some future event. My race is going on right now. Transcendence is really a mental thing. That is, thinking some other way, with some non-ego part of the mind, under the Guidance of the Holy Spirit. If I change my thinking, I’ll see different things in my ego illusion I think is a real world. I really think that most human thought is not productive but especially harmful when it comes to each other. I personally am changing the way I think because I’m really sick of thinking attack thoughts and fear thoughts. Given the proper teaching and guidance and discipline and desire, thinking can be changed. The ultra-retreat is a race to change my thinking. Since I am not at work, I have time to work almost exclusively on this. The race takes place in the park with incredible daily mileage and on the internet with every search and submittal. It takes place when I listen to the news and when I sit on my cushion in silent meditation. I’ve been given a gift of time to do this race.

Most people think they are out of work due to the economic downturn. On the ego surface of my life, that is the excuse I use too. But inside my heart, I am sure I was given a gift, picked as it were, to spend time in intensive mental change. Source must be my source. The Holy Spirit must be my guide and friend in whom I trust. I am switching from an ego based thought system to the Holy Spirit’s thought system. In the spiritual thought system, God is only Love; every one is a creation of Love and nothing else (no matter what my worldly eyes see). I am free to behold the glory of Christ present everywhere.

After 2:10 hours, I still felt really good. I re-filled the Nathan with park water and took the emergency Gu and went for another 45 minute lap. If I had brought one more S-cap, I might have dared another lap.

Ultra retreat – Day 11, Awakening

Today’s lesson: It can be but my gratitude I earn.

I started off not knowing what this meant saying to Jesus, “gratitude confuses me.” Then I thought, “I blame ACIM for my unemployment.” That is, ACIM (A Course in Miracles) breaks the ego world’s rules, so the world punished me by having me laid off. I fear being in the world but outside it’s rules.

But Jesus says the world is grateful to me for the salvation work I’m doing. Here begins awakening: What if I changed my mind and decided the world was grateful to me for learning ACIM?

I became belligerent against my ego. Job or no job, the world is an illusion. Just dismiss the ego. Stop listening. Stop believing in it. Decide I don’t know what this situation is for. Here occurred an actual fluttering of eyelids to the light of the real world (not the ego world): What if I didn’t do anything wrong? What if nobody did anything wrong? This is self (ego) transcendence at its finest. It is the reason I came to my personal self transcendence race.

What if Self/Christ really is grateful for my attempts to awaken? Why was this an awakening? Because my thought about not doing anything wrong came spontaneously from inside a part of my mind which is not the ego part of my mind. I believe it to be a real thought, not an ego thought. It is the sort of thought that questions the ego propaganda about my body and this world being real and God hating me. Questioning the ego, with heartfelt authenticity, is the beginning of the end for the ego. It doesn’t have unquestioned power over my thinking and the Holy Spirit now does have influence.

Its like this: I think I am a piece of crap. Now, most people tell me that is silly. I’m nice and fun and smart and spiritual; and I shouldn’t think that. Last November when I was depressed, I can’t tell you how many fellowship members told me not to kill myself because they come early on Saturday mornings just to hear me! But I do think I am a piece of crap, and no matter what people say, I still think I’m a piece of crap. Thinking I am a piece of crap is insane thinking; and it is clearly ego thinking. The ego clearly wants me to think that. But…suddenly one day…what if I honestly asked the question: what if I’m not a piece of crap? Wouldn’t that change things? Well, yes it would. It has dawned on me that I might not be a piece of crap. In the same way, Jesus\’ teaching from ACIM dawns on me: what if I\’m not really a separate being?

Jesus in ACIM tells us over and over: the separation never happened, you are only love, God is only love, this world is an illusion made by the ego that thinks it is separate from God. But until you are able to ask the question from deep in your heart instead of at a superficial, what Jesus says will more or less bounce off. Until I’m ready to honestly consider the possibility that I haven’t done anything wrong; hence there is no separation and I’ve accepted Atonement for myself, I can listen to Jesus but won\’t really believe him. I come to a place of joy: maybe I’m accepting Atonement for myself. Jesus says that the one responsibility of the miracle worker is to accept Atonement for themselves. What if I really can? I have evidence: I honestly questioned my ego.

What if my experience of world really is a bad dream and the truth about me is that I exist as pure love in the Heart of God who is also only pure love, pure existence? Seriously, what if that is true?

All is quiet. All is love. Peace be with you.

Off topic thought: I may actually be able to have a reality with no visible means of support and live as a full time hermit and metaphysicist. Talk about being outside the ego world\’s rules, this is way outside.

New topic: Personal Self Transcendence Race – Day 11 (wow!)

Today was a breakthru.

First, yesterday was not a breakthru. I was tired and wondering if my ultra retreat was not silly and I should do something else. I had a sore ankle (of all things) and decided to slack off. That meant, I walked the first two hours of my 14 mile jog/walk. I took it back to the hilly course because it was mostly dirt. Then in the afternoon, we had a torrential storm when I wanted to go for my walk so I walked on the tm for an hour.

Today, I woke up feeling great. I went back to the hilly course and jogged much more than yesterday. I thought I was feeling good enough to maybe go for five hours tomorrow, but after 3:40 hours today (already longer than I\’ve been doing) I still felt good. I had a bottle of water to refill my nathan and one Gu (my emergency Gu) to \”pay\” for another 50 minutes. So…lets do it. I ended up with 20 miles (6 miles more than I have been doing).

This week, I decided to stop using Gu and Sports drink because it was too expensive and too wasteful. So I went to water, pb and honey sandwiches and 1 S-cap electrolyte. This has been working well. I use up about 2 liters of water for 3 1/2 hours.

I am doing this crazy multi-day run for self transcendence. I\’ve had many interesting mental breakthrus. That I went farther today means that maybe my fitness is building and my project is headed in the right direction.

Ultra-retreat Day 8

I got up at 3 am to do my morning meditation and then do the running starting at 5:30.

Thoughts from morning meditation:
– I can believe I am cared for, or be bitter.
– I can walk in love and gratitude, or fear. I can believe the Holy Spirit is my guide, or not. If I chose to follow the Holy Spirit, I can walk in love and gratitude. Otherwise, I’ve chosen to follow the ego and live in fear and hatred and anger.
– Dear Jesus, please purify my thinking.
– God placed “something” in my mind.
– I’ve decided to hear only one Voice, the Voice for God.
– I have to believe I hear the Voice and am guided by it, or else I am dead meat for the ego. If I believe I hear the Voice and am guided by It, wouldn’t I be grateful, happy and in love?
– My ego thinks these ideas about the Voice are stupid, Pollyann-ish, and naive. It is hard to choose the Voice because the world says it can’t be, you are wrong.

However, while I was out running, I was remarkably able to distinguish between the Voice and the ego’s attack thoughts. I was remarkably able to realize that God would not think like that and the change the thinking to the day’s lesson, or ask the Voice what it would be saying. I was remarkably capable of staying awake and keeping my thoughts from going unconscious and dwelling in hatred, fear or resentment.

While running, I wondered about my “crazy” plan to do a private self transcendence race. I realized I need to be patient. The running is changing me, but I don’t know how yet. I realized I fear it is sinful or somehow defying God to run like this everyday. Like, who do I think I am running with impunity. But, these fears eased as I chose to listen to the Voice and to walk in love.

I came home and right away mowed the lawn. Then, yipee, I got a shower. Yesterday, I had patched the tub and had to let it dry 24 hours; so my body was a little yucky.

After the shower, I was somewhat procrastinating getting busy with my job search. Then I thought, “Be excited about your own future and the good God has for you.” If I believed that wonderful things were sitting and waiting for me to do my part, wouldn’t I rush to do my part? Yes, so the problem is ambivalence: do I really believe I will be guided and helped? Then, I got busy and ended up spending nearly three hours working on one application without even realizing how long it took.

During my hour of silent meditation I thought: During meditation, if you listen only to the Voice, but you seemingly hear nothing, that is authentic. The Voice for God speaks quietly in my heart.

I have been eating a lot today. I may in a few moments go out on the back porch and walk on the treadmill. It is hot out there, but cooler than outside and I have a fan.

Ultra Retreat day 7

Today’s lesson 214: I place the future in the hands of God.

SF reflection: I just love being able to do this. I love how ACIM continually reminds me of God and to turn my life over. I am so happy when I do this. As a person in transition, I love working with God instead of listening to the news and being dejected.

The past is gone; the future is not yet. Now am I freed from both. For what God gives can only be for good. And I accept but what He gives as what belongs to me.”

From Text 5.V:

V.7 Irrational thought is disordered thought. God Himself orders your thought because your thought was created by Him. Guilt feelings are always a sign that you do not know this. They also show that you believe you can think apart from God, and want to. … The purpose of the Atonement is to save the past in purified form only. If you accept the remedy for disordered thought, a remedy whose efficacy is beyond doubt, how can its symptoms remain?

V.8.4 What you want you expect.

VI.2.8 My (Jesus’) role is to unchain your will and set it free.

VII. 1.4 …you need merely cast your cares upon Him (God) because He careth for you.

VII. 5 Whenever you are not wholly joyous, it is because you have reacted with a lack of love to one of God’s creations…6. …you must have already decided not to be wholly joyous if that is how you feel…you actively decided wrongly…Your part is merely to return your thinking to the point at which the error was made, and give it over to the Atonement in peace.

SF reflection: I spent my run working on the lesson and then deciding to be wholly joyous instead of worried about the future. In some ways, I don\’t know what joy is. But if I shut my mind up, I could sense a universal hymn of joy silently present everywhere. I could tap into that joy. I could ask Jesus what joy is or for help feeling it. Then I would feel a calm inside wherein rested an assurance of God\’s love and protection. Feeling safe, I felt joy. Knowing I\’m protected doesn\’t mean I am special to God because God protects everyone. It is a matter of learning God\’s lessons and believing they are all good.

Also while running, I decided that I am a practicing spiritualist, metaphysicist, supported by God\’s Hands. I just am. I think I am so I am. A practicing spiritualist is what I\’ve always wanted to be. This time of transition is provided for me to be intensive in my training and my practice. So there!

I am having a tiny bug invasion at my house: millions of little bugs. They don’t bite me but they are everywhere. So, I kill them. Clean them up. Bomb the house. Clean it up. And do it again if necessary. I asked God, “What am I learning from this?” Each of these bugs is a symbol of my negative ego doom and gloom thoughts. My killing and cleaning is the practice of turning these over to Jesus and then thinking with God, practicing forgiveness (seeing holiness, Christ presence and joy no matter what). I have millions of these thoughts and I’ll have to go through this procedure many times. But eventually, it won’t be a problem.

Hah! It is hot here. I continued my ultra-retreat today with 14 miles jog/walk in an 85 degF humid soup. One young doe observed very close to me. I applied for jobs online. Now, I need a nap. The high today is supposed to be 96 (ouch).

Ultra retreat day 7, am

Lesson 213: All things are lessons God would have me learn.

A lesson is a miracle which God offers to me, in place of thoughts I made that hurt me…”

Text 5.IV and V:

– …hold nothing against him (your brother), or you hold it against yourself…

SF\’s reflection: This is very valuable to remember when I want to resent my former boss or anyone that has a job.

– I (Jesus) place the peace of God in your heart and in your hands, to hold and share. The heart is pure to hold it…My (Jesus’) judgment is as strong as the wisdom of God, in Whose Heart and Hands we have our being…The Thoughts of God are with you.

SF’s reflection: This is very valuable because I need to remember my holiness and the presence of God. I am not alone or uncared for or unloved.

– The ego’s purpose is fear…

SF’s reflection: I need this information when I am afraid. Feeling fear means I have forgotten God and am listening to my ego berate me and hurt me. I don’t need to be beaten down.

– The ego is the symbol of the separation…the symbol of guilt…a fearful thought…

SF’s reflection: Feeling the ego’s fear and accusations of what a bad person I am, I remember that none of it is true. There can be no separation from God; that is insane. I need Jesus’ help to return to my right mind, but the opportunity is there.

– Whatever you accept into your mind has reality for you…you must learn to think with God.

SF’s reflection: When I think there are no jobs and that nothing good will ever happen to me, it is because I chose to believe the yammering of the ego world. I am not thinking with God and it is time to choose again.

– The ego believes that by punishing itself it will mitigate the punishment of God.

SF’s reflection: The ego came into being as a thought that wanted to be separate from God and therefore individual. The ego also feels guilty for fabricating this dream of individual existence apart from God. The ego part of me believes that losing my job is a punishment I’ve accepted in order to avoid God’s punishment. I’ll never see the free gifts of enlightenment and well being offered during this time as long as I believe the ego.

SF’s reflection: We are not separate from God, but are dreaming that we are. The ego makes the dream in order for it to have existence separate from God. The ego feels guilty for stealing its existence from God and its thought system proceeds from this guilt. The world is my projection of the guilt I feel. Oh man, it is so easy for me to think my job loss and the economic downturn are self punishment for guilt. But really, they are for learning that God loves me and “Something” cares for me. I am always safe in IT’s hands. It is easy to say, “Jesus loves me;” but to mean it, to really know it, that is different. It is easy to talk about how meaningless money and material stuff is as long as you can pay for yours; but to live the journey of letting go and finding the Higher Thing, that is something different. I am given the gift of finding the Higher Thing. I bow before it. It is actually the holiness of everyone in the world, the Sonship. We were all created by God, though not physically, but God is present in each and it is this I bow before.

If I am learning anything from being unemployed, it is: God loves me and will help me. I cannot lose hope in God. There is a storefront for me. I am not limited. I cannot keep assuming that only bad things are going to happen. I have to remember I’ve always been cared for in the past.

110 days to Heartland Prairie

Results for first week of ultra-retreat:
– Miles at jog/walk speed in the morning = 88
– Miles walking in the afternoon = 25

Today, I did exactly the same route as Friday, only 15 minutes faster; without pushing anything.

Daily schedule for week two (hot weather):
4 to 6 Study ACIM, make juice
6 to 9:30 Weights and jog/walk
9:30 to 10 Shower
10 to 1 eat, take care of business, write
1 to 2 Silent meditation
2 to 3 Chores
3 to 5 Walk
5 to 8 eat, write, study

No, I don\’t know where I am going or what good this exactly is. But I have concluded that I will have help from a bigger mind than mine. I am always cared for and I am right now. I have no limits on what it is I\’ll be doing in the future. But, I need to give that bigger mind a chance to correct a few flaws in my thinking before I move on.

Ultra-retreat Day 6

I was up at 3 this morning. During my spiritual study, I said to Jesus, “I believe I am an idiot.” That is, I am unemployed and spending my time running 4 hours a day. That is idiotic. The gift however, is the processing I do in this spare time. Part of the beauty of an “ultra-retreat” is to listen to all the junk in my head so I can get it out; stop giving it power over me. The retreat is a picture frame of what we all think, but don\’t have time to do anything about, so we push it down to the unconscious.

At 4:10, I left for Parkville and ran 10 miles once I got there. Then, I zipped to the grocery store and made it to the fellowship meeting by 8 am.

The fellowship meeting was on fear. So many there discussed financial insecurity and how we deal with our thoughts and trust God; and let go of the material things. God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Coming home, eating, I had this to say, “Dear Jesus, I am in your hands. I have fear of the unknown. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which doors are open. I feel like a failure.”

Then I went to the door and put on my shoes. I thought, “God hates me.” This thought was an honest deep down disclosure, honestly said to Jesus. I think everyone thinks this, but few are able to consciously experience it.

Then I went for a 7 mile walk/jog. I was thinking about the high price of going to the Boston Marathon. I was thinking about the security guard job I could get at a children’s hospital. I am wondering what is really important to me. Why would I go to Boston, other than I can, or to have a souvenir which I could show to everyone. I need to go deeper into who I am. This brought up the other part of today’s lesson, “I am not a body. I am free. I am still as God created me.”

I was thinking about the meeting on fear. I realized the fear didn’t start at the material level. It starts at some other level. I thought about my thought, “God hates me.” I realized I am very close to where Jesus wants me to get when I am a serious Course student. The only real fear is fear of God. I think God hates me, and I made the gut level admission. From there, its not too hard to admit I am afraid of Him. This is the root of the fear. But I went toe to toe with Jesus, looked him in the eye and told him I think God hates me. Jesus can shine his light on this and heal it.

I assume I am afraid of God. It makes logical sense. But I haven’t felt it. It is still disassociated. Studying the Course, I know that Jesus will take me by the hand and gently lead me through the fear. The main thing is that I be willing to go with him. God doesn’t hate me and there is nothing to be afraid of; the fear of God is my insanity.

If I was not experiencing the “economic downturn” as one of the unemployed, I wouldn’t be doing the work to dig out my fear. What I see in the world is the projection of my fear. I am on the way to having it healed. This is a good thing. Because of this possibility, I think I chose, at the spiritual level, to be laid off. I am willing to go through the fear so others don’t have to.

This is the Course: look at the world and realize it is a projection/illusion of your own thoughts. Take responsibility and give it to Jesus. He will help you have different dreams. Spending all this time looking at my thoughts and giving them to Jesus is the truth of how I am spending my time while I am unemployed. This unraveling of ego thoughts is necessary in order for me to live at the level of spirit instead of ego. I want to listen to the Voice for God instead of the ego. All this thinking is a practice in discernment.

“Miracles are everyone’s right, but purification is necessary first.” (ACIM Text 1.I.7)