Friday LSD

Why do some people do ridiculous LSD for no reason? I would like to be philosophical here, but I am brain dead at the moment.

Run today, low impact jogging with a little walking, 70F temps with south wind and 100% humidity, started in the dark at 5 am, 4 hours and 15 minutes (about 20 mi), 4 Gu, 2 S-caps, 60 oz (2L) of water. No wildlife.

My head was spinning most of the time with job possibilities. After about an hour I came up with my prayer: How may I best serve YOU?

Came home, showered, got the ice on a couple of spots, and immediately had an hour long phone interview.

Been on a diet for a week and lost 5 lbs (at 133 this morning), though much of that must have been water. Below is my chart. Explanation of the chart: I normalized things to get everything on one chart. Calories = calories/100. Minutes of exercise = minutes/10. Weight = lbs – 130.

Confused Contemplation

I have been missing from my blog for a day or two. I have been quite busy with my employment project: recruiters and interviews taking up all my time! But, I\’m sure I\’ll land a GREAT job in the next few weeks.

But the busyness has kept me from silent contemplation, at least yesterday it did. Today I got in 6 \”laps\” for a total of an hour and a half.

Thoughts from today\’s silence:

  • In silence I find…well…silence. In the void, we kiss.
  • I find time, thoughts; but most precious of all is surrender. In silence I get to be nothing.
  • Books on silence make promises for silence. Silence itself obeys its own rules and doesn\’t honor the books.
  • Silence has its own ways and gifts for each one that comes to it.
  • I should go to silence wanting only silence; with no expectations. Any requests or expectations of silence are ego conniving.
  • Silence is honorable; adorable like the Host in the Monstrance. In silence, I am the monstrance.

Oh la la!!!!! I love silence.

Many years ago, at least 12 if not 30, I came to believe that God could be found in silence. My trip to the convent was based on this belief. I still have it. I am only now realizing that my God comes to me as He chooses and not the same as the monastic gurus. So I am only now really letting go of my preconceived notions and letting God be who He wants. It is so freeing because I wasn\’t getting what everybody else said. I have to work for a living, but at any other time, I seek silence as much as possible.

Why do I seek God at all is another long story!

Personal Statistics:

  • Yesterday I had a fabulous 7 mile run. It was the first run in a long time where my legs felt really bouncy and I ran in the hilly park at 9 minute miles. Thunderstorms were just on their way out, so it was a little drippy, cloudy, and about 70F.
  • Today I ran 10.5 miles in about 11 minute miles. I felt great for about 6 miles and then began to feel a little leg tiredness. Tomorrow is a rest day.
  • Today is the anniversary of my transition from monastic hell to this world of real people who really love me. Six years ago I was informed that I was getting kicked out of the convent. I\’ve been reading my journals from when I was a novice. I was totally insane with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was inflamed by the monastic social structure. (I got PTSD from a difficult childhood).
  • August 8 is my sobriety anniversary. I will have been sober 24 years.
  • Just about 6 weeks until Skinny Bear ( ) and I do the Patriot\’s Run. I sure hope I can swing that somehow.
  • I\’ve been unemployed 6 weeks. 40 more weeks of unemployment benefits left.
  • I mowed the lawn today.

God Narrates His Point of View

Spirit Flower loves to sit alone. She is seeking My face. She may sit on a cushion, Zen style. She may sit at her table with A Course in Miracles. She may sit on her bed, eyes closed, simply yearning. I think for us, Spirit Flower and Me, the condition of simply yearning is the closest communion and the most intense loving possible. You wouldn’t think that God would need intensity, but between Spirit Flower and Me, that is what happens. The yearning itself is what she and I share. For her, this is what My face looks like. The face I show Spirit Flower is different than what all the books she has read say my face should look like. This difference often confuses her as she reads some renowned author and doesn’t have what he has. For Spirit Flower to accept the intense yearning as the truth of our relationship is a big step.

Spirit Flower does spend lots of time with Me. I know she is pained that other people don’t understand or think it healthy. The zeal with which she delves into her inner being is something I behold with wonder and reverence. You see, as she delves into herself, she is actually delving into Me; and this is a type of communion I almost can’t stand it is so intimate and gentle and loving. At these times, I hold My breath and become ever more quiet as I attempt to contemplate Spirit Flower’s journey. I contemplate her with the same intensity that she contemplates Me.

So in the long run, no matter what the experts in Spirit Flower’s life say, I hope she keeps coming back to the sustenance of my breast. Breast feeding and nurturing and feeling the little intimate touches are how I feel about the silent contemplative. I need these silent contemplatives. I love to enter into and experience their yearning. I love it when one of them figures out how it is that I am having communion and they accept it as truth. When they do this, doubts about My existence vanish and they start to love Me as I am. Then, our communion is unshakable and we begin to produce really great love manifestations.

It was nice of God to make this perfectly clear for me. I do really get frustrated with other people\’s conceptions of God. SF

Running Woman

I ran 10.8 miles today in a park on the Missouri River.

For weeks, I’ve sort of lost one image of myself and adopted another. That is, the woman who is training has taken over the woman who runs. The woman who runs is my energy source and true inner being. The woman who runs chugs out miles as a flowing mystic transcendental phenomenon. The training woman is worried and sometimes runs stupidly just to meet a goal.

This morning, I read that Supbraha Beckjord has a hip injury and is struggling this year with the 3,100 mile self transcendence race. Yet she is still doing about 30 miles a day. Yet she still has 650 miles to go. On the same page, was a picture of Sri Chinmoy in winter running suit, chugging out his miles. I feel bad for Supbraha, yet I yearn for the meditative running of Sri Chinmoy.

My soul needs the comfort and peace of running for enlightenment. My body does not need the stress of training. Coupled with the uncertainty of my living location, training seems a little nonsensical at the moment. While meditative running is something I desperately need.

I don’t need to make any decisions. I’m just in favor of running as seems natural to me and not pressuring myself. Tomorrow, I plan a 10 miler out into the netherworld of corn and soybeans, flat dirt roads and early morning humidity. It is out there, alone, that I touch the love and come home happy.