I am more comfortable here in my one bedroom apartment in the city than I was in my dinky house in the country.
My first week of work went something like this: up at 4 for an hour of spirituality; lift weights and run for an hour or so; shower; work on the computer; go to work at about 7:20; get off work at 4:30; arrive home at 5 or 5:30 (if I stop for an errand); snack, nap, 30 minutes of meditation, eat, read a book, lights out at about 9:30. It seemed a bit hectic.
The first day at work, I forgot to hide the blemishes on my face; and felt out of place or ugly in my blouse and slacks. In the dark recesses of my ego, I feared no one liked me, would be unhappy with me and I was ashamed of myself. These feelings have no basis in reality. They are my normal mental reaction to success. I fear success; but if I pay attention to these lurking dark thoughts, bring them to the light of Jesus, they can be healed. If I allow Jesus to heal them, I won\’t have to sabotage myself with additional unconscious dark thoughts.
The only reason why most people even have a subconscious is we decide to ignore, deny and sublimate dark thoughts. I want to live in mental sunlight, so I bring all these ridiculous feelings to the light.
Other work impressions: The following days, I decided early in the morning to remember joy and to enjoy the people at work. This decision is a decision to spend the day with God instead of my ego. Then, I felt confident and happy at work. I was grateful to everyone and to my Higher Self. I took care of my day as I would a precious gift. May I always make such a decision and honor every one of God\’s days as precious. They are all a time to spend with God and feel joy.
On Tuesday, I could hardly walk due to quads filled with lactic acid from the hilly marathon. I worked out on machines. On Wednesday, I ouched my way thru a slow 30 minutes of jogging and did another 30 minutes on machines. On Thursday, wow, I ran great! (30 minutes) On Friday I ran a hilly 50 minutes. I am at this time dreaming of doing the Kansas City marathon on October 17. That gives me some more time to recover, do one or two long runs and then go for another medal and t-shirt.
Today, I have been in my hermitage. I had an hour of spirituality from 4:30 to 5:30; lifted weights; ran 5 miles and rode the elliptical for 15 minutes. I practiced silent sitting for an hour.
I ironed the shirts!
(instead of taking a match to them)
From the silence:
I am in the cradle: of silence.
I am in the jail: of silence.
I am flying in the wide open spaces: of silence.
Transcended, sunlight glints on my wings.
White bird flies free.
I soar on currents of spirit.
Peace is mine because I didn\’t judge, I flowed.
Here is light, holiness and safety.
This is love.
This is joy.
This is God.
Jesus, I want to go deeper.
Prayer is my enabler.
Many good things are given me in my new life. But I realized that many good things from my old life have vanished, silently stripped away. Not painfully gone, but lost none the less. I can\’t have both.
This morning, a 78 year old man hugged me and told me he loved me. I felt like I was in the arms of a man who loved me and that was a good thing (little known fact that most men do this to me, but I feel safer with the 78 year olds). If it is at all true that God is love, then God is love right now. Love would never require that I die first. It is true that God can pick one of my brothers to show me Himself. It is the Holy Instant of oneness.
The only death I need to undergo is the ego death; because egos cannot love, hence cannot know God.
What will I do today in my hermitage? Offer myself unreservedly with full attention to the Almighty? Or dither away the time, turning a deaf ear to the Call of Love? Somehow, at this time, I attended. I gave. My silent sitting is inextricably bound up with God. It is my exercise in wanting Him alone, above all else.