I am not in the KC marathon today. I kicked a chair in the middle of the night on Thursday. Now, I can hardly walk. I had a dream on Thursday night about being off course in the marathon. Now, in my worldly dream, the same thing happened. This morning as I sat in my silence, I asked the question, “What is the message?”
Immediately came the answer, “Look within.” Running marathons, getting medals and bragging about it (grandiosity), which I do, is part of my ego’s little plan. To let go of little plans and accept God’s bigger plan is the point of the spiritual life and the sober life. God is not against marathons. I myself request of God to live life at a level higher than my ego; but sometimes I need God’s hand to get me out of my own littleness and hopes for grandiosity. For me, that means looking at the two dreams and accepting the message, accepting God’s help. I abandon my ego once again. Abandoning ego in favor of the Holy Spirit is a continuous project.
The ego seeks grandiosity to satisfy itself. We know that ego satisfaction only lasts a few minutes. Looking within, what do I find that is of value? What do I find that is more desired than grandiosity? Really, that is a difficult question to answer. The inner does not present itself in the same way as the ego\’s grandiosity. The satisfactions are quiet and peaceful; so much so that they really are not desired by most. Appreciation of peace must be learned. Refraining from seeking worldly kudos is impossible for most of us outside of monasteries.
I cut a hole in one of my running shoes. A little later, I will do a weight workout and then give the elliptical machine a try.