I am always trying to figure out why I want to run 50 miles.
So I say, \”If I had no one to tell that I did this, why would I do it?\” I mention taking other people out of the equation because that is where my ego becomes involved. In my opinion, running ultras for the purpose of saying you ran an ultra feels good to the ego, but may not be serving spirit.
I think it is spirit which drives the training process.
Last night, Friday night, I worked out in my home gym for 4 hours. This workout had the effect of tiring out my legs. Then today, I jogged for 4h38 min up and down hills. I was tired as I got started; but no running injuries. Mentally, I was thinking I would have to quit. I didn\’t think I could make myself do those hills for very long. I kept thinking of ways to get away from the hills. But the flatter roads had too much traffic and the sidewalks are snow covered. So I stayed on the hills where I could run on the roads but only face a little residential traffic.
It was a good time to wonder why I want to run ultras. Mentally, I stared at the blankness I got for an answer. But now later, I thought, \”I run to the furthest reaches on my physical capability, a fringe world along the edge of a mental and physical cliff, where I gaze into the infinite abyss of non-reality.\” Then, I come home, re-group and do the same thing in my meditation. There is not much physical challenge to sitting still with eyes closed. There is the mental exercise of staying focused inward, continuing the gaze into infinity.
I don\’t have to exist in either of these conditions. The world around me disappears; losing its meaning before something greater. I return to the primordial where I have no resentments, fears, desires.
My ultra running is not really about belt buckles. My marathons are not about Boston Qualification or age group awards. Those things are not even icing on the cake. They are distractions from the Real. The spiritual is the Real.
I want to experience the Real. I want to exist in Real consciousness. For this reason, I continue my quest for knowing God in THIS lifetime.