The End of Greatness

My life has been so occupied with the move to Texas for about 2 months. All the hub-bub is over now. There was an army of people provided by my company which accomplished the task. I don\’t know why I am here at a deep level. I know that of the situation which existed at the time I decided, this was what I wanted. I like it here so far. I don\’t know if there is a deeper meaning for my spiritual or emotional growth. Now I am alone with my decision and my new life. Everything is quiet. The loneliness of the long distance runner and the solitude of the contemplative reign.

Little mentioned was my humiliating \”did not finish\” at a 50 mile race in October. The DNF caused me to totally realize I don\’t have the mind of an ultra runner. So there won\’t be any oohs or aahs over impossibly long races and physical hardship.

It seems like I would have already figured this out earlier, but I am not a religious woman. My monastic period is far in the past. As of this weekend, if I ever darken the doors of a Catholic church again, I won\’t know what to do. I don\’t qualify as a spiritual teacher. I am not a real monk or solitary. I haven\’t been enlightened.  God has not spoken to me personally. I haven\’t figured out the origins of the human species, or even if we are in fact spiritual beings. I still stand for my inner yearning to know my Higher Self, to have vibrant conscious contact.

But I cannot leave A Course In Miracles behind. Despite its nonsensical origins, the material works for me in my daily life. I\’d even go so far as to say that quietly doing my daily practice is the only point of my life. If I ever satisfy my yearning for my Higher Self, I think it will be ACIM that paves the way.

If I truly set out for ego deflation at depth, then the purposeless emptiness of my life is successful.

Now I sit quietly in my nice duplex south of Houston. I am still a runner. I still run long distances. There will be another hurricane someday.


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