I\’ve struggled with this question on and off all my life. Especially after I left monastic life, I wondered, \”What good am I?\” I didn\’t get to be Sister ____ OSB, and have the world think I am special. I am a single woman, professional engineer. Nobody\’s mother. Nobody\’s wife. Not religious at this point. All of these are society\’s measurements of what makes a good person or a worthwhile person. And I have dissed myself over them so much.
Today, I asked myself what made my life worth living today? I remembered the deer that came within 3 feet of me. It is a doe who limps and I\’ve seen her in that park before. Seeing her was worthwhile.
I jog walked slowly for 4 hours today. It felt really good to do low impact. Doing this made my life worth living to me. While I am on my feet for 4 hours, I get to dream of running marathons. Running marathons is a worthwhile activity to me.
While I was jogging, I was thinking about my metaphysical life. I thought about my recent decision to stay in Texas at my current job. So I asked the Universe what was I going to do now? I realized that I need to let the fabric of my mentally controlled view of the world to unravel a bit. You\’d have to study metaphysics to know what I am talking about, but it has to do with \”I am responsible for the world I see.\” As I thought about letting the fabric unravel, let go of control, I got a vision of my boss. Suddenly, I thought, \”let go of the control,\” and the fabric of my boss unraveled revealing a hole in the fabric and the bright light was shining beyond it. This vision is a true practice of A Course in Miracles \”forgiveness.\” Forgiveness is looking beyond, undoing. It was astonishing to envision the unraveling of my mental control of the world.
Another thing about this weekend is that I finally made it to Home Depot to buy some paint for my front door. The associate did a great job of helping me because I know nothing about paint. And I was scared of doing the job. But I did do the job today. Now, watching my ordinary consciousness fiddle and be scared by using my higher consciousness is in fact a thing to be aware of. It is a doorway into the fact that I have a higher consciousness and I can be aware of it.
So if I have a higher consciousness, do I have to ask the question of the worth of my life at all? For sure, a higher consciousness just is. There is no measurement of its worth. Exploring consciousness, finding the higher has been a desire of my lower consciousness for decades. To have worthwhile life, do I need to be great or famous or in a helping profession? My life was worth living to me today. I need to find small worthwhile parts of life each day; and not judge myself as less worthwhile because I work at a corporate job.