The Value of $96

I noticed today that my new employer deposited $96 in my bank account. It was for a few hours of working; and I am satisfied with the pay. You better believe that I felt proud of and happy with that money because I have to pinch myself that I work at that place. When my former employer deposited $x,xxx every 2 weeks, I barely noticed or cared. Today I said, \”wow! Look! Company X deposits money to my account.\” I felt happy and I could see a satisfying life stretching out before me.

Come down in the world eh? Yes thank the Light. My life is not about money at this point. It is about living the dream. I am satisfied with the progress of the dream.

Waiting for the Snow

My intention for the day is to go for a walk in a snow storm. I will get what I want. In another hour or two, it will be snowing and I will get all bundled up and go outside. There is something about a long walk in the snow which is necessary for my life.

In addition, I\’ve spent the morning reading about God. Also, this is Thanksgiving weekend. I went for dinner to the monastery and had a nice meal. Since moving to KC, I\’ve spent a good deal of time reading my diaries from when I lived in the monastery. I am trying to understand what happened. How did my emotional condition get so distraught?

This morning, reading about God, meditating, waiting for a snow storm, I wonder if there is no answer to the question. It just was. I just am. Which brings me to what I really wanted to say at this moment.

My life just now is only an existence. I am just being. People who are just being do need to buy food at the grocery store, and go to work to earn a little money; but there isn\’t so much of a long term agenda. In my career, I had an agenda. It drove me crazy with its desire to get from others. So now I have stepped away.

My entire life it seems has really been about wanting to know God. Clearly I know when that search began and all the things I\’ve tried to know God. Today I will know God in a snow storm. It seems that I need to decide each day to just be, which also means to allow. I allow God to love me and I receive the love, however that looks. Today, it is a snow storm. I\’m excited about that.

I had to come to the place where I am in order to just be. Or explore just being in more detail. I wanted to just be in the monastery; but really, I wasn\’t doing that. It is easier for me to just be here outside the walls. I have realized that I don\’t need to fix myself any more. It is better to focus on allowing universal love, a feeling of satisfaction, ease and flow. Focus on letting my cork bob.

I am trying to learn the difference between appreciation and gratitude. Think about it. Why should this matter?

The Universe Responds

Do you remember how you felt when some coincidence happened to you at the exact right time; so that you knew there was some greater force at work which was helping you? You needed a boost that day and you got one! Some call this big magic. I am going to tell a story of magic today.

Spiritual stories are hard to tell because the meaning is a feeling of knowing. The feeling comes about as a result of a myriad of thoughts suddenly snapping into place to form a clear picture.

Right now, fresh from the sudden realization, I know that my feelings are telling me that the Universe does respond to deliberate thinking and that I am in alignment with my inner being. I gained enough of the receptive mode, through deliberate thinking, to receive what I needed. So stop the worry and self criticism. Spend the time on deliberately feeling good. Think deliberately positively and the answers will come. And if the answer is \”not yet,\” then you feel very trusting, and believe that Life is Good (see story which now begins).

I didn\’t sleep last night. My brain was attacking me over an unresolved issue. The result was a feeling of failure and self denigration. Early this morning, I had a chance to talk briefly with a man familiar with the law of attraction about my specific issue. What he replied was what I was already practicing, so I felt ok about that. That helped.

Then I asked inwardly what I should do next. I decided to go for a long hike in a forest which I hadn\’t been to for years. While walking, I was practicing appreciation and practicing feeling generalized satisfaction. Then I drove downtown to pick up a race packet. While there, the race director, who I hadn\’t seen for several years, gave me a hug.

Driving downtown took me off my normal flight pattern; and there was a bit of timing to exactly where I was at what moment. I noticed a jeep pass briefly in front of me. Its wheel cover said, \”Not all who wander are lost. Life is good.\” I had seen the \”Life is Good\” on many jeep wheel covers; but not the \”All who wander are not lost.\” The phrase struck a note in my mind. I have a writing notebook with that phrase on the cover. Since the notebook is hand made, I had thought that the man who made my book had made up that phrase. As of today, I see that the phrase has a larger meaning.

So, I\’ll give you a clue: pay attention to these little things.

I got home and completed a couple of chores. Then I crashed on my bed with a book. This is my preferred \”escape from myself\” position. After a bit, I stood up. Shoot, I want to be a writer and I should be working on writing right this minute; instead I\’m vegging out on the bed.

I got my lap desk and writing notebook intending to put ink on the page somehow. At that moment, I became curious about the phrase \”All who wander are not lost.\” My ipad was right there so I looked it up. AH HA!!!!! The Universe is talking to me today. Today when I really need some spiritual support.

The phrase is from a poem by J.R.R. Tolkien found in volume 1 of The Lord of the Rings, chapter 10 \”Strider\”, in a letter written by Gandalf to Frodo speaking of Strider:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes, a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

The poem gives me a deeper meaning of the phrase. I felt like I was being told that while gold, I might not glitter. I\’m not lost even though I feel like I have wandered off the well trodden path. My deep roots are fine. I shall arise from the ashes. In other words, I felt touched by the Universe with a message of hope and assurance to keep going on my path.

This message reached me on a day when I needed to hear from my higher self. I occasionally fall off an inner emotional cliff. The cliff is: not trusting that I am able to hear inner guidance and follow it when making daring moves; and criticizing myself for not doing \”it\” right. What is \”it\”? It is metaphysics, the law of attraction, being in receiving mode of guidance from my inner spiritual self.

I\’ve had my notebook for several months now, but it was just today that I got a hint of a bigger message. Timing. Big magic has timing.

I am something of a wanderer from the ordinary path of life. Trading a lucrative secure engineering career to become a writer is certainly not the normal thing to do. At this time, I am years away from being a published writer, if ever. I am practicing being a writer but I am like a first grader learning an art form.

Here at the beginning, it is very easy to let go of a long long project which has very little hope of success anyway. Wouldn\’t it be easier to quit trying to learn a new craft, to quit the pursuit of the creative life; and just work a few more hours at my regular job?

I can\’t get what I want out of life if I don\’t seek. So I wander for the sake of the search. I accept the message of spiritual connection in order to enhance my knowing of my inner being. That inner relationship is all I really have anyway.

Maybe I jumped ship in Texas too soon. I wasn\’t ready. Now all I can do is play catch up. But I am on the right path.

I need to vibrate in the vicinity of my higher self; to receive its guidance and timing, to hear its hints, to get a glimpse of deliberate creating, to see that the Universe is love. A message about \”All who wander are not lost,\” and the timing of its arrival when I needed it, is just such an assurance I need from the spirit world to continue my spiritual pursuits.

Don\’t quit before the miracle. Life is good.

Riding the Rocket

A story of positive momentum.
The Law of Attraction: that which is like unto itself is drawn

It was a Saturday morning. I was sitting on the stool in a nice hotel room in Dallas. I think about what is about to occur: an Abraham workshop, and my heart suddenly goes crazy; thumping madly as if for a job interview. Maybe it is. I have expectations for the day: will I get called on? Will I experience tremendous emotions? Or not?

I calm down, take my bag out to the car and go reserve my seat in the workshop. The seminar is at 9. The room opened at 7. I got in line at 6:50. There were a few early birds who got there before me. I did get a front row seat. It should tell you something that people strive to get front row seats. It is not like church or school or seminars where no one wants the front row. I want to be as close as possible to see Abraham; and if I get called on, it will be easy for me to walk up.

Having now 2 hours before the show would begin, I walk into the Galleria mall to Starbucks. I use my new partner card for the first time. It worked! I am in the computer. I bought a latte and a protein box for 30% off.

What brings me to this room is a decades long desire to know my higher self. I was introduced to Abraham a little over a year ago and those teachings really improved my love for myself, trust and confidence in my self, ability to dream a creative and fun future. After many many YouTube videos, I am now going to see in person.

The room began to fill. We are in a huge hotel ball room and I guess at least 500 chairs. The room is filled with high energy. We all watch the countdown clock on the screen. The room explodes as Esther (Abraham) comes out. The workshop consists of a brief opening by Abraham and then conversations between Abraham and participants. We have all watched many videos, some for more than a decade. Some of these people have been to many Abraham workshops, but also, many of us are first timers.

What Abraham says is a help to deliberate creation of a life experience. The whole teaching is on how to use the Law of Attraction. Most people think that the Law of Attraction is for those greedy people who want to be wealthy (so?). However, today\’s workshop focuses more on the thoughts which are the manifestation, not the things. That is because things only interest us for a little, while the journey of creation is very fascinating.

My experience is shaded by the me I brought to the workshop. Habitual feelings of being less attractive than others, as well as my habitual trashing of experiences not being good enough, color my ability to have joyful experiences and fully receive what is given by the Universe. And so, I just start from where I am and work up the positive scale.

The day is only 4 hours of conversations with Abraham. I pick up on several phrases: ease and flow; satisfaction; make satisfaction my practiced vibration; be under the influence of my higher self; joyful expansion; joyful journey; joyful purpose; don\’t be so serious; savor the birthing; its about thoughts turning, not so much the things.

Of course, this blog can\’t reproduce this experience. I can share my feelings. During the workshop, my thoughts kept going over the idea that I am riding a rocket into the Universe, a creative world which is now my life. My higher self just kept saying this over and over: you are riding the rocket, just stay aboard. I struggle to stay on the rocket. Listening to Abraham, I felt a moment of knowing what ecstasy is, and that some part of me lives in ecstasy. I can allow this. This feeling was a knowing of something I carry inside; not an emotional dopamine hit, which the human me always wants. See what a dichotomy that is: human me wants euphoria before it will believe; while deliberate creating me generates the knowing of a world greater than the human world and true ecstasy is there.

Driving home, I realize the both / and of my personality. There is the habitual negative self punishment: I didn\’t get called on so I must have done it wrong. There is the continual positive thoughts: I am on my journey, supported by Spirit, moving forward creatively. Just keep riding the rocket. Enjoy. I am a joyful manifestation.

Now, the morning after, I realize that I have received a subtle energy shift. There wasn\’t a huge dopamine reward. The human part of me wants to trash me because of that. More quiet is the knowing of an improved vibration. Soon after getting up, I know that I\’m not quitting my quest for growth and expansion; to make something of my life, to actually live it. I realize that how I feel right at this instant is a choice: I can choose to trash my experience; or mine the gems, remember the gems, receive what my higher self had to give me. As I choose the positive aspects, I feel better. Feeling better is what we want. Positive momentum. I did and am now generating positive momentum.

I am grateful to Abraham. The whole room was grateful to Abraham. We are all living at higher energy than before meeting Abraham. We all feel better about ourselves because of Abraham.

How Do You Know?

How do you know that taking a risk was the right thing? You will. Knowing is a feeling. Pay attention. There will be moments of clarity even though the results of your decision are years away.

Two months ago, I quit my 6 figure engineering job to get a part time job as a barista and pursue a writing project. What idiot does that?

Here is a story about the past few days for me and how I received messages from my spiritual self.

There is a situation I was anticipating; an author sending me some books. But it wasn\’t happening very fast, so I forgot about it and decided he had forgotten me. Then they came, on a Friday, in the mail. I had quit being annoyed (annoyance is resistance if you are using the law of attraction) that so and so hadn\’t sent the books and let go; then they appeared. Metaphysics in motion. The art of allowing.

That evening I stood in my kitchen and looked at the package. Somehow it was a profound moment of the universe sending me a message. I felt it. I was holding the package unopened in my hands knowing that some weighty moment would occur related to these books. Not only do the books contain inspiring words for me on my journey, the Universe\’s message is along the lines of both let go (stop resisting) and don\’t give up (allow). Let go so the Universe can do it\’s job. Don\’t give up on believing the miracle will happen.

Inside the package are two books signed by the author. He had sent them for free. One of them is small and leather bound. Opening the package and looking at the books, I am again reminded of how much work I have to do on achieving my desired writing lifestyle. To be an author, you have to write. And it takes a few years to develop your skill. I can do it, but I have to do it. It is up to me. And I plan to do it with The Law of Attraction, plus many keystrokes as words come into being.

It was a long journey from high paid engineer to creative-writer-in-progress. About 2 years of discernment: what is my spiritual self calling me to? Do I stay in this engineering job, collecting a huge salary, but being bored and frustrated? Or do I follow my creative idea, give my life to it, let my spirit soar? How much financial insecurity can I stand? How can I get health insurance after I leave mother corporation?

I landed with a crash in my new life as a writer. Mother corporation used to take care of everything and now I was on my own. I didn\’t realize until I got here how much brain time can be devoted to finances until that was all I had. My house in Texas hadn\’t sold. The stock market had crashed. My house in Missouri needs new coils for the heat pump. I didn\’t want to live with those worries as my only consciousness. Why was I creating such a downward slope? The question still plagued me: What have I done? What idiot quits such a high paying job to pursue an idea? Was the Universe really speaking to me? I was waking up in the night with cortisol pouring out of my brain into my body over the financial issue. Return to the law of attraction. Rely on Source energy, not the money in this world

The two books went onto the table, unopened, to wait. I had library books on writing which needed to be read first, before their due dates. Saturday night I went to a group celebration. I ended up at a table where I met a lady that also wants to be a writer, only she is about 3 years ahead of me. She immediately started discussing writers groups in this area and some of the other things that writers need to go through. She wanted to get together so I had her put her information into my phone. It was a moment of gift. I had sat at the one table where I would meet someone who could help me on my journey. Intuition? I choose to believe that yes, it was intuition, and intuition is how my spiritual self speaks to me.

Sunday evening, I took one of the books, \”Look Ma, Life\’s Easy; how ordinary people attain extraordinary success and remarkable prosperity\” (Ernie Zelinski) into the bathroom and started a little reading. You know, in order to cram one more book into my day, I read on the stool; luckily I am a girl so there is more time sitting there. The story starts out with a person of color who is down and out about how he doesn\’t have any white privilege and how unfair life is. He meets a rich man who is trying to encourage him but the poor guy will have none of it. Then the poor guy finds a small leather bound book in a bathroom. \”Life\’s Secret Handbook; reminders for adventurous souls who want to make a big difference in this world.\” It appears to be a very valuable book, left by accident. He looks inside. Inside the front cover is a hand written note:

\”To whoever winds up with this handbook: You are privileged to own a copy of only 500 printed; billions on this planet do not own one. It is no accident that this handbook has found its way to you. Your duty is to put it to good use. Open this handbook at random and reflect on the content. Perhaps the words on the page you arrive at will be of life-changing significance to you. Please share what you learn with others. — Traveling Monk from the Himalayas\” 

The book is a collection of proverbs. The first proverb, still reading from Look Ma Life\’s Easy while sitting in the bathroom, says: \”Every great accomplishment in the history of humanity started with one small thought. We all have these thoughts. Few people do anything with theirs, however. What do you intend to do with yours?”

Bammo! WTF! I own one of the 500! That is what the other book I haven\’t looked at is! WTF! Holy crap! Big Magic just hit me in the face!

Me and my idiotic idea that I would quit my job and follow my idea and see that it came to life. A message! I just got a message. Yes, I should do what I am doing. Chills went through my body and I got a euphoric feeling. The law of attraction: I am attracting other like minded ideas.

Sunday night was another sleepless night. The message had not fixed my uncertainty yet, I guess. In the night, I was at least productive by reading Anne Lamott\’s book \”Bird by Bird\” which is about how to write. Early in the morning, I had a successful spiritual workshop with the law of attraction before tackling tasks. I had to fill out many online forms for Starbucks (my new employer). I had to do some homework for my tax preparation class. Then I tackled an application for affordable health care. For some reason, I was extremely anxious during the application process with my body shivering uncontrollably. I noticed the emotion and wondered what energy in my system I was touching; metaphysics in motion again. But finally I got through all the questions and got to the Success! screen.

I can\’t explain why, but in that moment of accomplishing the health care, I suddenly felt like everything was not only true but all right. Somehow, clicking the final button was an act which suddenly opened my mind to knowing: yes, I am on the right path. All that discernment and decision making was not a mistake. Just walk the path. Whatever I need will be provided. My house in Texas is an asset. There are no worries regarding it. It will sell at the exact right time. I feel this huge drive to work on my writing. Ideas abound and I begin to think all the time about new concepts: plot, characters, narrators…

Feeling these positive energies and affirmative intuitive thoughts is huge. It is Big Magic. It is my soul speaking to me, encouraging me. I wanted to make more of my life than sit in a chemical plant and earn money. Something more. Something creative. I was willing to risk everything. Put all my skin in the game. I so appreciate those moments of clarity, gifts from the spirit world. Appreciate these and you\’ll get more of them.

On another note:

I voted today. I vote at a community college. They must have had a huge geographic area going to that location.Standing in a long line, some of the line out in cold temperatures, you get to see the largely silent population which upholds this country It is the population which has jobs and pays taxes. It is mostly white suburban native born. They mostly live frantic lives of working and family, without much time for making noise. But they will today. They do care about integrity and honor. They wish to see good character in Washington. They want to see government for the people not totally for the corporations. Unfortunately, we are all voting based on incomplete information. Aside from a total anarchist implosion, I don\’t think we can dislodge politicians who are in it for the money.