My intention for the day is to go for a walk in a snow storm. I will get what I want. In another hour or two, it will be snowing and I will get all bundled up and go outside. There is something about a long walk in the snow which is necessary for my life.
In addition, I\’ve spent the morning reading about God. Also, this is Thanksgiving weekend. I went for dinner to the monastery and had a nice meal. Since moving to KC, I\’ve spent a good deal of time reading my diaries from when I lived in the monastery. I am trying to understand what happened. How did my emotional condition get so distraught?
This morning, reading about God, meditating, waiting for a snow storm, I wonder if there is no answer to the question. It just was. I just am. Which brings me to what I really wanted to say at this moment.
My life just now is only an existence. I am just being. People who are just being do need to buy food at the grocery store, and go to work to earn a little money; but there isn\’t so much of a long term agenda. In my career, I had an agenda. It drove me crazy with its desire to get from others. So now I have stepped away.
My entire life it seems has really been about wanting to know God. Clearly I know when that search began and all the things I\’ve tried to know God. Today I will know God in a snow storm. It seems that I need to decide each day to just be, which also means to allow. I allow God to love me and I receive the love, however that looks. Today, it is a snow storm. I\’m excited about that.
I had to come to the place where I am in order to just be. Or explore just being in more detail. I wanted to just be in the monastery; but really, I wasn\’t doing that. It is easier for me to just be here outside the walls. I have realized that I don\’t need to fix myself any more. It is better to focus on allowing universal love, a feeling of satisfaction, ease and flow. Focus on letting my cork bob.
I am trying to learn the difference between appreciation and gratitude. Think about it. Why should this matter?