Hopes Dashed or Not?

I was supposed to go in a 50k race yesterday. I even drove about an hour to the race site. But it was 33F and raining. It looked like that would continue for the next few hours. Did I want to be wet and cold for the 7 hours it would take me to do 50K? What did I have to prove?

I sat in my car and watched the rain. Other people were not even in rain suits and heading out for 100 miles or 50 miles. A little voice said, it is not too late to skip this. It won\’t exactly be fun. And you still have time to drive back to town and make the 8 am meeting.

I picked the meeting and skipped the misery.

However, it is difficult for me to realize that I did the smart thing for me and to not beat myself for skipping the race. Measuring myself against the world always leaves me coming up short. I should\’ve suffered and done the race; instead of accepting the bad timing of the storm.

I did have a very nice run yesterday afternoon.

Starbucks update: I moved to a new store this week and OMG I am having so much fun. I\’ve spent 3 days mostly working the window and I LOVE it!!! I also got to begin learning bar today! So, yes! Starbucks is a blast.

Shadow of love

The below photo is brought to you by a Catholic monastery. Jeez! When I lived in a monastery, I did feel like I was being jabbed by thorns most of the time, plus guilty by scripture. Is love just a shadow? Is a crown of thorns the primary point of Christianity? No I don\’t think so, but Catholics do fixate more on the gore than other denominations.

Yesterday was an awesome day at work. It was awesome because it was somewhat busy and I did many things. I enjoyed doing all that work. I also believe that because I meditated and pre-paved my day with good feeling thoughts, that that is why the day turned out good. I could just as well been upset about it. It wasn\’t the things that happened but my perception which was aligned with satisfaction, prosperity and freedom.

Then in the evening, I attended my first monthly meeting of a local writers group. Score! About 30 writers and would be writers (thats what I am) showed up. First we listened to an interesting presentation. Then we broke into groups where we could share things we had written and get input on it. This went so well. No one sat there not wanting to break into groups. We very quickly pulled together 5 people and off we went to a table. I had one page of introduction to my novel which I shared. They liked my idea; even said the introduction was good enough to get them to buy the book.

Today, I stopped by my new Starbucks to get my schedule. I\’m transferring to a different Starbucks location. The manager at the new location was so happy to see me and so happy I was finally being allowed to switch. I\’ve only worked two shifts at that store, so I don\’t know them that well. But I\’ve done well enough that they know they want me. It feels so good to be wanted. Feeling unwanted has been one of my long term character defects. I don\’t think my parents ever wanted me.

I also had a very good 10 mile run today. I just love being able to go running during the day, on beautiful bike paths through trees away from cars. However, one of my favorite parks, English Landing, is flooded. It is right next to the Missouri river; and since Nebraska is flooded, everywhere downstream will experience high water.


You know, it has been over 6 months since I left my corporate job. I didn\’t even realize that 6 months had passed until after they had passed. Time has flown by. Part of the reason is that my life is no longer counted in 40 hour work weeks, Monday through Friday. I work part time, and never the same hours or days of each week. So I don\’t feel bound my a parameter; like can\’t wait for Friday or hating Monday. Everyday is just a day.

Also, I continue to enjoy afternoons in parks. Usually I am done with work by 11 am. Yesterday I ran a very good 10.5 miles in Platte Purchase park. It was sunny and about 50F. But I ran really well; on top of having worked a morning shift. Today, I had an even bigger milestone: it was the first day that I went straight from a shift on my feet to the trail head; and walked 5.2 miles along Line Creek. No going home first to lay on the bed and recuperate from work. I am getting stronger both physically and mentally. Working at Starbucks has cause me to get stronger and more durable.

I\’m older than I\’ve ever been with more energy than I\’ve ever had. Hummm…

My ego continues to have difficulty with the actuality of working st Starbucks. It is not an easy job and when I make mistakes, I get down on myself. I really wonder what the heck I am doing there. Am I lying to myself about anger at that little job? However, last night, I wondered if my Starbucks job was actually saving my life from depression. Because…

The downside of retirement is lack of regularity. I do my writing, but I am in no way capable of spending days writing. My momentum towards a writing career seems hard to find. Even worse, I continue to suffer from beliefs that I am an inferior being; hence could never be an author. I am not inferior, and am evidently very intelligent, successful and prosperous. But I never feel good about myself unless I consciously decide to feel good about myself. That is very hard work. It is so easy to slip into the \”I am stupid\” emotional template. A template is just a choice of a neurological pattern. We can choose a different pattern and feel better. But it is mental work to do so. Feeling good is a chore. If I do it first thing in the morning, I have a happy day.

I have really been enjoying the AA group I got sober at 33 years ago. It is weird to think I am 60 instead of 26. And then someone will mention in a meeting how we grew up together and now their kids are 26 and 23. I\’ve been reading a lot over the past year about opioid addiction, to support some of my writing. They say that opioid use disorder forever changes your brain and you should be on medication for life. The disorder is a disease. They have medications which substitute for opioids. They have never proven this point for alcoholics or found a medication. Hence, the remedy for alcoholism continues to be spirituality. There is nothing else. Here is the danger for an alcoholic: I haven\’t drank in 33 years. Am I still an alcoholic? Testing the possibility could lead to death.

Today\’s adventure, plus the long run I did a week ago convinced me to sign up for a race. The race was close to selling out, so I had to sign up a little earlier than I wanted. But, I am in for 50k. And I am planning a triple marathon in May.

The human body is amazing for healing. I cut my finger a couple of days ago. After one day, it still was bleeding as the bandage was removed. After two days, bleeding stopped and new skin evident, filling in the hole in the skin. Amazing.

In general, I am a happy person at this time in my life. I have the tools to generate happiness. Happiness is my prosperity, my abundance. One day at a time.

Women Rowing North

Book review \”Women Rowing North\” by Mary Pipher.

I heard the author on the radio and I was intrigued by what she had to say. What she has to say is tons better than her book. Anyway, I got the book from the library and have now read it.

As a 60 year old woman, I find this a worthless book. I\’m probably not old enough to appreciate it. I was hoping for insight into the meaning of later years; or get some inspiration for the upcoming journey. What you get is a litany of how bad everything will be; but no depth or ways to make meaning.

So, first, I know many women in their late seventies and they seem to be doing very well. My role models have lots of good stuff to tell me. Some of them are still athletes, ultra-marathoners. Some are solo hiking the Appalachian trail. Some sit in 12 step meetings and share great wisdom.

See, I\’m also in a smaller non-typical demographic of \”older woman.\” I\’m still physically fit, though clearly not as fast as 10 years ago. I\’ve never been married and not a mother, so used to being alone. I\’ve started new projects and jobs for my life so my brain is getting new workouts. I associate with young people and keep up with them. I see the next 3 decades as phase 3 of my life and I plan to make them the most creative yet.

I\’ve always thought that \”old\” was a state of mind and will stick with that opinion. I\’ll say that yes, the hair gets gray, the face wrinkled, and the bones in one of my feet have shifted around; but how you feel comes from the inside. Find that joy and project it. Then how old you are won\’t be a focus. Check out Abraham Hicks and aging on YouTube to learn more.

So if you want to find the joy of old age or be uplifted by the adventure of it, don\’t read this book. This book will only depress you with a bunch of sob stories.


Last Friday afternoon, I was up for something gentle so I went to Maple Woods Nature area for a hike:

It was pretty warm, temperature above freezing. I enjoyed my hike.

On Saturday afternoon, temperatures did get up into the 50s. I went running on Line Creek trail. About 4.5 miles into the run, I experienced what often happens in Missouri: sudden weather change. I turned around at the far north end of the trail and was hit in the face by alot of cold rain and 20 mph wind. Temperatures went from 57F to 42F just like that. It was cold so I had to speed up the running. Luckily, after I got about a mile south, the rain and wind let up. As I got a couple more miles south and about a half mile to the car, it started raining again. By then I thought, \” I don\’t want to quit. I\’ve only been out here 8 miles. Oh wait. I have a rain suit in the car!\” So when I got to the car, I put on the rain suit. But the wind was real strong and the rain driving. I became scared when a branch fell on the trail behind me. So I only stayed out another two miles.

Today, Sunday was perfect. I went to Shoal Creek trail and did ultra pace for 16.4 miles. Yay! Long distance running!

I really want to go in a 50k in about 3 weeks; but I\’m not signing up for it until I see what the weather is. I really want to be an ultra-marathoner but I don\’t know until after the 50k if I am up for 50 miles. There is a 50 mile race at the end of April. I do have time to get ready.

I did my strength training today also.

I think lifting coffee urns at Starbucks has caused greater definition in my abdominal muscles. You know, every ten minutes for a six hour shift, I move around the coffee urns and start new batches of coffee. I also lift heavy bags of coffee grounds and take them out to the dumpster. I also climb ladders and bring down boxes of coffee or whatever. I think my body is much more durable now than it was when I had a desk job.

I had a vision of oneness last week. See at Starbucks, I don\’t make the drinks. I feed the machine. I bring the milk and the chocolate and the syrup and the cups and the ice and whatever else. But this ties me to the whole world. Every part of the planet comes to me, I feed the machine and it goes out again to our customers. It is nice to ponder the little things of this life. Or maybe it is a big thing.

I retired in order to become a writer. The writing project continues on at whatever pace; usually 2 to 3 hours a day. Even on work days I achieve this amount of attention to my projects. I\’m learning a lot about myself as I read old journals or write about experiences I\’ve had.