Laws and Teachers

  • Laws are set up to protect the continuity of the system in which the law maker believes.
  • Your worth is established by God…
  • If you are willing to renounce the role of guardian of your thought system and open it to me (Jesus), I will correct it very gently and lead you back to God.
  • I (Jesus) will teach with you and live with you if you will think with me, but my goal will always be to absolve you finally from the need for a teacher.

This Blog Reality

This place right here, this blog, is an awesome place to be. I am alone; an ego talking to itself. I am with my God; an existence in communion with the Universe. What could be more wonderful? Here, I don\’t have to worry about being judged: so what if I didn\’t interpret the meaning of a Text correctly. Here, I cannot judge: no one else is here. Here, I can freely muse and pray. Here I am free: able to release conditioning and programming and be what I really am.

I am not a girl or a boy. I am not a friend or spouse or enemy or daliance. I am neither rich nor poor. I am not of any race. I have no religion. I think I am human, but I do not know what that is. I have words and a language. I have a history: look there is a long scar on my right arm. I do not know what that means or what having a body means.

But I have mentioned \”my God.\” It is this idea which needs to be probed. Is it my knowledge? Is it memory? Is it wishful thinking? Is it the last vestage of society\’s programming? Here…it is possible I was never born and can dismiss what I see and say. I can dismiss it and just be silent and still.

The dog and the Light

  • Your starting point is truth, and you must return to your Beginning.
  • As you approach the Beginning, you feel the fear of the destruction of your thought system upon you as if it were the fear of death.

A mainstay of my ego\’s thought system is the belief that I am a pile of crap. Listening to this message has made my life unhappy. Uncovering this message took quite a number of years. Even uncovered, not believing it is still difficult. It affects my behavior towards others. It has developed into an angry rabid inner dog. Whenever I deny that this message is true, no matter what seems to have happened in the ego world, then I am defending Atonement.

ACIM Atonement says that the bad dream never happened; whatever tiny mad idea that thought I had left God was immediately undone. None of us ever sinned. This ego world is an illusion, a bad dream; including our physical bodies. No one is a sinner. We are just stuck in this bad dream.

The Atonement is a difficult concept. I have not explained it here (go read the ACIM Text if you want to know). I only bring it up because it is my way out of the hateful ego world. I am either doomed to a consciousness that thinks it is a pile of crap; or using my mind to defend the fact that this never happened. I am really not a body but a Thought in the Mind of God.

I look at it like this. In my consciousness there is a vast expanse of light. There is also a small area which thinks and acts like a rabid dog. Unfortunately, I spend almost all my time being the rabid dog. I keep myself wrapped in chains and behind bars so I don\’t hurt anyone. But, most of the time, I think I am the growling dog, snapping at the bars of my cage and dripping froth from my mouth. I want to attack everyone. I hate everyone. The dog hates God for making it thus. I hate the dog and feel guilty and feel like the pile of crap. This is my tiny mad idea. But this is just a tiny portion of my being. The rest, the vast expanse of light is available to me. When I am alone, I return to the light as who I truely am. ACIM is a mind training course. I am training my mind to know itself as light, not as the rabid dog.

I can return to my Beginning if I am willing to give up my dog habit. Being the dog is just a habit. No matter what the dog does, it is a dream. This mindset is defending the Atonement. The Atonement is truth. Accepting Atonement returns me to light. My Beginning is light. If I defend it instead of believing I really am the dog, I am free. I wake up.

Angry Misfit finds Inner Peace

Yesterday I was in emotional turmoil because someone didn\’t like my critical and forceful attitude (read politically incorrect). I took some words from their e-mail to me and thought, \”They think I am an angry misfit (toward their organization).\” I went to meditate and listen to some thoughts other than my own. After a brief while, I became happy that I had been labeled an angry misfit. Ifelt elated and at peace. \”Yes I am,\” came screaming our of my psyche.

I am a long distance runner; not an over-weight, pansey assed, donut eater. I have an attitude which incessantly pushes my personal performance envelope; instead of living in comfortable mind-numbing complacency. Other people do not like to encounter this attitude because it pushes and doesn\’t give. It feels rigid because it has standards. The attitude is one of insisting on vibrant life; not mediocrity.

I felt free and peaceful with this realization because I was finally accepting of myself. All my life, I\’ve tried to hem myself in because my attitude scares others; especially since it is combined with a quick intelligence and dry wit. But, hemming myself in has produced anger. Accepting the attitude as the very power and life blood of my essence helped me to feel free and well towards myself. I am in inner peace because I\’ve accepted my essence.

As I accepted my essence, I realized that I had been carrying around some egotized and dogmatic programming of what a peaceful person appears to be. Say the word peace and I project some quiet person who always says nice things and never gets upset. This image is based on society\’s programming because society doesn\’t want any boat shakers around. I realized that just because you rock the boat doesn\’t mean you don\’t have inner peace. Inner peace and outer peace are not the same thing. Outer peace, the image of perfection, is an ego invention. Inner peace is truth. Inner peace simply exists. Inner peace is found by accepting yourself exactly as you are; ceasing to fight. As I cease to fight myself, I won\’t appear angry to others.

Emotional Misfit

  • Ingenious thinking is not the truth that shall set you free, but you are free of the need to engage in it when you are willing to let it go.
  • The prayer for forgiveness (looking beyond the ego world) is a request that you may be able to recognize what you already have.
I don\’t fit into human groups. Often I\’m too smart for them. Often I can\’t participate in self destructive behavior like overeating, especially the eating of preservatives. I am not interested in superficial conversations. I see movies and TV as \”programming\” and guard my mind from it. I don\’t belong to a standard religion. I don\’t have family activities. I consume very little. I really believe this ego world is a bad dream, an illusion.

I am a person who has allowed emotions which others hide to surface into my conscious mind. This means I am aware of my hatred and fear of others. This means I react less violently than others because I pray about the emotions before hand. Really, emotions and \”ingenious thinking\” feel the same and perhaps they are. Or, the ingenious thinking is an inner expression of defensiveness coming from fear and hatred.

But, the option of asking Jesus to direct my thinking is very much in the forefront of my consciousness too. I am willing to give up my human thinking in favor of an intuitive thought inspiration or decision.

In this way, I live moment to moment; staying alive in relative peace; not accomplishing anything; putting in the miles of my life\’s self transcendence race; hoping to arrive in the Hands of my Self.

The Long Road

This week I ran 78 miles (126 k). Yesterday I ran 23 miles and today I ran 16 miles.

One stretch of road was long flat and straight with 8 foot corn on both sides. It was hot by then and my legs were tired. It was then that the Universe got my attention. I realized how I\’ve been thinking that this week at work will be the week from hell. I realized I\’d already decided that; but in a metaphysical reality, I can change my mind. If I change my mind and turn my mind over to Something Bigger, I don\’t have to live in a hellish prison of anger, hate and fear this week.

The anger hate and fear are mine. I have help as soon as I face them head on (consciously) and ask Something Bigger for some other way of thinking. I have to quit pretending they are not there. I have to quit denying the hateful thoughts or they tear me up from the inside with the eventual bad reaction to some real person.

This moment of clarity produced a moment of prayer and gratitude (I am off the hook of my own thinking). Funny how it takes 2 1/2 hours of running in the hot sun to finally wear away the ego control and hear what Something Bigger has to say.

  • It is essential that you realize that your thinking will be erratic until a firm commitment is made to light. The strength to bring your mind under Jesus\’ guidance comes from your undivided decision.
  • This is a Course in mind training.
  • An imprisoned mind is not free because it is held back by itself. The mind can only miscreate when it believes it is not free.
  • The way to correct distortions is to withdraw your faith in them and invest it only in what is true.
  • Nothing can prevail against a Son of God who commends his spirit into the hands of his Father. By doing this the mind awakens from its sleep and remembers its Creator.

The Day After 08/08

  • When everything you retain is lovable, there is no reason for fear to remain with you. This is your part in the Atonement.

Meeting makers only make it if they understand why they went to the meeting.

I ran 23 miles this morning. It was great weather, cloudy and 70F. This evening, I might go to a meeting. I\’ve gone to meetings for 23 years. Something must have happened there or I wouldn\’t be here.


I am wandering in a corridor of time. The corridor has various rooms which can be entered. When I was younger, I went into various rooms. Some were called \”successful career,\” \”Harley Davidson,\” \”monastery,\” \”somebody\’s girlfriend,\” or \”be somebody.\” Many people go in these rooms, find they like them and stay there. I never became satisfied with any of these rooms. Now I view them as forms of unconsciousness, mind-numbing entertainment. Now I view unconsciousness as a hinderance or a jail for growth of the mind.

But, if you refuse these rooms of entertainment, you are left with a corridor of nothing. I am not involved in anything. Sure, I go to work everyday and have a few other activities; but my time is often spent staring at nothing. I listen to silence. I don\’t relieve boredom by shopping, eating, reading, talking on the phone, TV or even internet surfing. I just let the time go by with as empty a mind as possible. Time goes past. I have ceased accomplishing anything.

I have reached the heights of human experience. This is it: nothing, silence, waiting, wandering an endless corridor of sameness. No one knows what love is.

I am not bound to the world. What a remarkable thing that is. Yet, I do not know what I am. I cannot translate the condition of freedom into words (as yet).

My Dream

I always wanted to be a mystic. Somehow this dream got started in my teenage years as I read Dune and Carlos Castaneda. It continued on into college as I smoked dope and dreamed of finding a higher consciousness in Strawberry Fields. \”Who are you\” rang forever in my head. \”I am woman\” was often the answer; inless it was \”I don\’t want to live like a refugee.\” Or there were other answers provided by Jefferson Starship or Tom Petty or ELO. Anything from Mick Jagger was a nightmare. Mainly I felt jealous of others who seemed to be making it. On the outside, I appeared to be making it. I was president of a student association, awarded outstanding senior at a large university, awarded scholarships, ran a marathon, graduated with honors and got a job. Yet, on the inside I was an emotional disaster. It would have ended there in a pool of alcohol except…

After my senior year and before my graduate year, I spent six weeks in Israel on an archaeological dig. I certainly had my fill of beer while I was there. But I also discovered religion and I came home wondering who God was.

That question about God consumed all of my life after that, and it still does. I searched standard Catholic Christianity. I searched John of the Cross. I searched new age channelers. I searched Harley Davidson. I searched illicit sex. I searched monastic life (4 years in a monastery). I searched money and power and things.

I now have a practice of silence and a study of A Course in Miracles. I have been sober for 23 years. I run ultra-marathons. I work in a crummy chemical plant as an environmental engineer and sole female in operations management among a bunch of red necks. I live in a dinky house in a dinky town. I marginalize myself in every possible way. My modus is to shamelessly follow Jesus; which means to lose your life through renunciation of the ego world, including religion.

My one unique thought I got in a dream: Love is the predominate mode of existance.

  • …inducing the mind to give up its miscreations is the only application of creative ability that is truly meaningful.


In real life I am a law abiding taxpayer. Perhaps the purpose of this blog is to give me a place where I can break the rules. I am already marginalized, but I rarely say what I want; there is always someone to dis-believe Truth. So here, I can just say it and not care.

The spiritual world really does exist and anyone really can focus their awareness there instead of here in this crummy ego world. Just do it.