Emotional Misfit

  • Ingenious thinking is not the truth that shall set you free, but you are free of the need to engage in it when you are willing to let it go.
  • The prayer for forgiveness (looking beyond the ego world) is a request that you may be able to recognize what you already have.
I don\’t fit into human groups. Often I\’m too smart for them. Often I can\’t participate in self destructive behavior like overeating, especially the eating of preservatives. I am not interested in superficial conversations. I see movies and TV as \”programming\” and guard my mind from it. I don\’t belong to a standard religion. I don\’t have family activities. I consume very little. I really believe this ego world is a bad dream, an illusion.

I am a person who has allowed emotions which others hide to surface into my conscious mind. This means I am aware of my hatred and fear of others. This means I react less violently than others because I pray about the emotions before hand. Really, emotions and \”ingenious thinking\” feel the same and perhaps they are. Or, the ingenious thinking is an inner expression of defensiveness coming from fear and hatred.

But, the option of asking Jesus to direct my thinking is very much in the forefront of my consciousness too. I am willing to give up my human thinking in favor of an intuitive thought inspiration or decision.

In this way, I live moment to moment; staying alive in relative peace; not accomplishing anything; putting in the miles of my life\’s self transcendence race; hoping to arrive in the Hands of my Self.


The Long Road

This week I ran 78 miles (126 k). Yesterday I ran 23 miles and today I ran 16 miles.

One stretch of road was long flat and straight with 8 foot corn on both sides. It was hot by then and my legs were tired. It was then that the Universe got my attention. I realized how I\’ve been thinking that this week at work will be the week from hell. I realized I\’d already decided that; but in a metaphysical reality, I can change my mind. If I change my mind and turn my mind over to Something Bigger, I don\’t have to live in a hellish prison of anger, hate and fear this week.

The anger hate and fear are mine. I have help as soon as I face them head on (consciously) and ask Something Bigger for some other way of thinking. I have to quit pretending they are not there. I have to quit denying the hateful thoughts or they tear me up from the inside with the eventual bad reaction to some real person.

This moment of clarity produced a moment of prayer and gratitude (I am off the hook of my own thinking). Funny how it takes 2 1/2 hours of running in the hot sun to finally wear away the ego control and hear what Something Bigger has to say.

  • It is essential that you realize that your thinking will be erratic until a firm commitment is made to light. The strength to bring your mind under Jesus\’ guidance comes from your undivided decision.
  • This is a Course in mind training.
  • An imprisoned mind is not free because it is held back by itself. The mind can only miscreate when it believes it is not free.
  • The way to correct distortions is to withdraw your faith in them and invest it only in what is true.
  • Nothing can prevail against a Son of God who commends his spirit into the hands of his Father. By doing this the mind awakens from its sleep and remembers its Creator.

The Day After 08/08

  • When everything you retain is lovable, there is no reason for fear to remain with you. This is your part in the Atonement.

Meeting makers only make it if they understand why they went to the meeting.

I ran 23 miles this morning. It was great weather, cloudy and 70F. This evening, I might go to a meeting. I\’ve gone to meetings for 23 years. Something must have happened there or I wouldn\’t be here.


I am wandering in a corridor of time. The corridor has various rooms which can be entered. When I was younger, I went into various rooms. Some were called \”successful career,\” \”Harley Davidson,\” \”monastery,\” \”somebody\’s girlfriend,\” or \”be somebody.\” Many people go in these rooms, find they like them and stay there. I never became satisfied with any of these rooms. Now I view them as forms of unconsciousness, mind-numbing entertainment. Now I view unconsciousness as a hinderance or a jail for growth of the mind.

But, if you refuse these rooms of entertainment, you are left with a corridor of nothing. I am not involved in anything. Sure, I go to work everyday and have a few other activities; but my time is often spent staring at nothing. I listen to silence. I don\’t relieve boredom by shopping, eating, reading, talking on the phone, TV or even internet surfing. I just let the time go by with as empty a mind as possible. Time goes past. I have ceased accomplishing anything.

I have reached the heights of human experience. This is it: nothing, silence, waiting, wandering an endless corridor of sameness. No one knows what love is.

I am not bound to the world. What a remarkable thing that is. Yet, I do not know what I am. I cannot translate the condition of freedom into words (as yet).

My Dream

I always wanted to be a mystic. Somehow this dream got started in my teenage years as I read Dune and Carlos Castaneda. It continued on into college as I smoked dope and dreamed of finding a higher consciousness in Strawberry Fields. \”Who are you\” rang forever in my head. \”I am woman\” was often the answer; inless it was \”I don\’t want to live like a refugee.\” Or there were other answers provided by Jefferson Starship or Tom Petty or ELO. Anything from Mick Jagger was a nightmare. Mainly I felt jealous of others who seemed to be making it. On the outside, I appeared to be making it. I was president of a student association, awarded outstanding senior at a large university, awarded scholarships, ran a marathon, graduated with honors and got a job. Yet, on the inside I was an emotional disaster. It would have ended there in a pool of alcohol except…

After my senior year and before my graduate year, I spent six weeks in Israel on an archaeological dig. I certainly had my fill of beer while I was there. But I also discovered religion and I came home wondering who God was.

That question about God consumed all of my life after that, and it still does. I searched standard Catholic Christianity. I searched John of the Cross. I searched new age channelers. I searched Harley Davidson. I searched illicit sex. I searched monastic life (4 years in a monastery). I searched money and power and things.

I now have a practice of silence and a study of A Course in Miracles. I have been sober for 23 years. I run ultra-marathons. I work in a crummy chemical plant as an environmental engineer and sole female in operations management among a bunch of red necks. I live in a dinky house in a dinky town. I marginalize myself in every possible way. My modus is to shamelessly follow Jesus; which means to lose your life through renunciation of the ego world, including religion.

My one unique thought I got in a dream: Love is the predominate mode of existance.

  • …inducing the mind to give up its miscreations is the only application of creative ability that is truly meaningful.


In real life I am a law abiding taxpayer. Perhaps the purpose of this blog is to give me a place where I can break the rules. I am already marginalized, but I rarely say what I want; there is always someone to dis-believe Truth. So here, I can just say it and not care.

The spiritual world really does exist and anyone really can focus their awareness there instead of here in this crummy ego world. Just do it.

Nothing to Call Myself

Father, I pray for an intuitive thought, inspiration or decision.

  • The Atonement is a total commitment.
  • The Atonement can only be accepted within you by releasing the inner light.
You will notice I make no attempt to properly quote my sources. This is a blog and in it I am free. Take what you want and leave the rest. It must not be important for you to know where I got anything. I will say that I hardly ever have an original thought. The one thing I want, an original thought, has been conditioned over so well by society. I am left with silence and nothing; with no attempt to grasp.