Womanhood

Day 25 of my 30 day process, I am very healthy. It looks like I understand normal life for me as a semi-hermit. More about that in some other post.

The 30 day process was for the purpose of discovery of my Inner Being, my inner non-physical but vibrational reality. To make the discovery, one must eliminate as much distraction from the outside world as possible and pay attention to the inner. To me, this mainly meant turning off the news. The news is a bad feeling vibration. I’ve done well with that and feel much better. Also, owing to cooler mornings, I’ve had more time for silent reflection before going running. Great!

So, here is my womanhood story. Step 1, PTSD: I’ve been tapering from big miles as I planned to go in a marathon race this weekend, so I haven’t been as physically tired at night. It is easier to go to sleep if I am tired. For most of my life, I have suffered from PTSD; which means that I frequently have hallucinations in the early part of the night. Last night, it happened three times. One of the times, I seemed to actually say out loud, “Are you here to kill me?” I don’t remember doing that before and I believe that it is a good thing to become aware of. Step 2, The Enlightenment: I’m reading a history book on the Enlightenment, a period in European history from 1675 to 1775 or so. Much of the book contains the writings of philosophers of the time. Yesterday and today, I was looking at a chapter on women. The old white male philosophers had no qualms about writing the most outrageous things about women. These men really were not able to see women as intelligent human beings, equals. Just not capable. Some of what is written is incredible: what men actually think of women, and what is epigenetically encoded in men is really terrible. Men now-a-days keep their mouth shut but they still think as The Enlightenment men do. My PTSD has something to do with men. That is why Step 1 and 2 are related.

Step 3, my Inner Being. Listening to my Inner Being, I come up with answers which are the opposite of what modern life might say to me. I always get a good feeling thought if I listen to the inside and not the outside. The reason I didn’t quote anything from my history book about what the European philosophers have to say about women is because that is not where my inner being focuses. My Inner Being focuses on now. Now is my reality. My Inner Being would also not worry too much about focusing on PTSD, like don’t talk a lot about it or go beg a therapist for some drugs. Be easy about it. Everything always works out for me. Allow the vibration to shift. As I am conscious of what happened last night, I can allow the vibration to shift. I am willing to allow men to move on and shift vibrations too, See, my life is the vibration not the world.

I’ve been studying vibrational reality for about four years. It takes some contemplation and practice of the techniques to believe it. It is cool to me to get a greater understanding of what to do when something seemingly disturbing crops up, like a hallucination that frightens me. I’m grateful that I have resources that point up the emotional scale rather than down.

Emptiness – Day 17 of 30 Day Process

I decided to do a 30 day spiritual process. I have been doing the spiritual practices, but the main difference between my normal life and this retreat is that I discontinued any news media. That, and some interesting daily reflections and realizations.

Let me first address the news fast. Most people fast by not eating. I am fasting by not scrolling through any news, or listening to the radio. No NY Times. No Atlantic. No Apple News. No Google News, etc. I’m not getting dopamine hits from outrage. Every time I pay attention to news, I feel some small outrage at what is wrong with some people or institutions. That outrage is a dopamine hit in my brain. Humans like dopamine hits, and so we continue the behavior. Point: dopamine hits are not bad in themselves. We need them. But dopamine from poison or dopamine from upliftment? I’ve been getting dopamine from other sources than the news. What I’ve been thinking about, however, is the future. I’m like an addict who has been in treatment for 17 days, dry for 17 days. Will I go back to my drug of choice when I get out of treatment? Honestly, I can’t imagine life without my drug of choice. My mental feeling is better without the poison that is today’s news, but I can’t imagine living without it.

Taking the situation to a deeper level: spending time on the news, or needlessly scrolling and looking for a hit, is artificially filling the emptiness of my inner life, destroying the emptiness. As I thought this, or had this realization this morning, the emptiness of my life came into focus. My life has always been pretty empty. In America, an empty life is a stigma. We are supposed to be filling our lives, but I have been steadily emptying mine. I want to have the emptiness, not destroy it. Not only is it who I am. but it is my non-physical reality. I need it.

I lived in a monastery for nearly four years. The nuns had very empty lives compared to the non-cloistered house holder. But since their lives were overlaid with a daily schedule, a Rule and a religious profession, they didn’t really have to face emptiness. I have no overlay, no template, no title or name. I simply have an empty life.

Now that I consciously have an empty life, I am able to fully embrace it. This is the art of being myself. I find spiritual fulfillment in: emptiness? The secret of my soul is emptiness. My energy vortex contains an energy called emptiness.

“Some children may be extraordinarily happy with a single basic toy if they have been able to develop their imagination and creativity, while others will be bored by a hundred sophisticated toys if they constantly need new objects to derive pleasure from” (Happiness – a philosopher’s guide, Frederic Lenoir, page 49).

Photo by Arvind shakya on Pexels.com

On Love

 This morning, I was reading an essay by a philosopher, Bertrand Russell, in his book of essays \”Why I am not a Christian.\” The particular essay is entitled The Good Life.  \”Love is a word which covers a variety of feelings…Love is an emotion…on one side pure contemplation; on the other, pure benevolence.\” 

Suddenly it struck me, as my mind flashed on Jesus\’ saying \”God is love.\”

God is an emotion. My mind expanded into the universe. 

Abraham always says, \”There is great love here for you.\” Abraham is non-physical energy communicating through one woman. But Abraham is also teaching people about how to connect with higher consciousness. When Abraham says that there is great love for us in non-physical consciousness, what do I take that to mean? Abraham has helped me to deliberately and consciously choose how I want to feel at any given moment. Love is a feeling. God is love. There is great love here for me. Non-physical is here. I am a sentient being. What does love feel like? Love is a variety of feelings. Love is non-physical here in the material world too.

Love is a confusing word. Did my parents love me? Coming from a troubled home, I didn\’t have that experience. I don\’t have a husband or children, so I don\’t know what that type of love means. I love dogs.

In 12 Step groups, people often have difficulty with the idea of God. They really don\’t want anything to do with it, and this thinking is the biggest defeat of Alcoholics Anonymous. In step 3 we are to turn our will and our life over to the care of a power greater than ourselves. Elsewhere, the textbook of AA calls that power \”God as we understood Him.\” Religion fouls people up because they are seeking a personality, an entity, or a voice to turn their will and their life over to. In my thinking this morning, I thought, \”Holy shit! God is an emotion. In this word, there are big implications.\” We get out of obsessing for alcohol or drugs by getting out of ourselves, usually by a benevolent act, like helping another. 

Love is a word. God is love. Love is an emotion or a variety of feelings ranging from pure contemplation to pure benevolence. I am a sentient being. Sentient means I am aware of feelings. I can feel. Love is a feeling. My consciousness is mainly made of the translation of feelings. Thoughts come after feelings. That is, I feel and then I have a thought about how that feeling came to exist. Love is a feeling. God is love. Love exists as a feeling. Love is never a thing or an entity. God is never a thing or an entity. 

I can deliberately think and feel my way into love. Contemplate nature or help someone. Feel the feelings.

Geek out on this for crying out loud. It is amazing to have the door open to love and God and the greatness of everything.

Bad Ass Marathon

I have a friend who thinks I am a bad ass. I haven\’t known how to respond to that since I don\’t feel like a bad ass.

However….after today, maybe I do.

Wouldn\’t someone who has run, as of today, 100 marathons in her life be a bad ass? Or who ran a 100 mile race? Or became a millionaire? Or who finished monastic formation? Or successfully accomplished FIRE (financial independence retire early)? Or who had been sober for 34 years? Or hold down a job at Starbucks at the age of 62? Or, many other things I have accomplished in this life.

So, someone who completed a 600+ mile virtual race across Tennessee, in half the allotted time, ought to be a bad ass. 

Well, a few days ago, I did the math and saw that I was getting down to the end of my race across Tennessee.  A tiny thought went through my mind, \”Do a marathon to finish it off.\” Along side of this impending finish was the fact that I had failed to complete a virtual marathon during April because when I had got to 22 miles, my feet hurt and I quit because a virtual race didn\’t mean anything.

Well that is a good idea: finish off a 600+ mile/ 2 month effort with a celebration by running a marathon. Be a bad ass! But also, I felt a little resistance because of that failure in April. Should I try this again? I didn\’t want to feel like a failure again. I haven\’t done that many miles in one run for awhile. Can I do it?

To sign up for the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee was an impulse from my inner being to begin with. It felt so right. And, 20,000 other people, and some dogs, have joined me. My success at carrying out the project was effected by alignment with my inner being. My energy was lined up with my inner being and momentum was generated to complete the project. In fact, I have been obsessed with getting miles every day, even walking on the treadmill to complete miles in the afternoon after a shift at work.

But, to do a marathon by myself, I needed more than a vague idea. I needed to strongly intend to do it. I needed emotional momentum. I needed to line my energy up with the idea. This means some practical activities like getting all my drinks ready the night before. Taping my toes. Setting my alarm clock. It is hot here so a person has to get up early to finish running a marathon. Still, I had to sit down with my journal last night and explore my fears. I had to complete a focus wheel to raise my vibration in relation to the idea. I had to segment intend by remembering how I felt during a 50 mile race last November when I had been in the zone and finished trouble free. I had to think honestly about this upcoming segment and my intentions for it. Was the idea an ego idea that would fail or an inner being idea which would succeed? It is up to me to decide and then  line up with the energy. These energy activities are to experience the success in advance so it is the cause. 

The alarm went off at 4 am. I did have to decide at that point whether to get out of bed. That has happened before too, not making it out of bed I mean. But I did get the idea of how I would feel if I completed a marathon versus how I would feel if I went back to sleep. I remembered how good it feels to run in the early morning coolness. I chose getting up.

I had a cup of coffee. The bad ass idea went across my mind. A bad ass has to get up early if she wants to do a bad ass thing. I did a meditation on physical well being. I felt much better. I felt like I just needed to be easy about it. I grabbed my hydro pack out of the refrigerator and made it out the door by 5 am.

I had planned to complete the marathon in two parts. First running from my front door and then going to a park with many trees during the hotter part. The first part went super well. It went so well that I extended it to 18.3 miles before getting back to home base. It was mostly cloudy and I felt appreciation that such a cool morning had been given to me. 

When I got home, it was still cloudy and I had to decide where to complete the run. To go back out from my house or go to the park. I thought about how clouds can suddenly vanish and I thought about how much easier it is to run in the shade. I picked the shade. So I hopped in my car and drove the two miles to the park. Good choice. The clouds did disappear and by the time I had finished off the final eight miles, it was 87F. Course map (the straight line from green dot to hash mark is in the car, but not included in miles):

What surprised me however was that my feet and legs didn\’t reach any devastating level of pain. For the run, I had plenty of emotional momentum to keep going, but also, I wasn\’t in trouble with blisters. I didn\’t bonk.My feet didn\’t hurt. My hip didn\’t hurt. It was amazing. It has been a long time since I have felt so in the zone for a long distance effort. 

The Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee is now complete. I will finish in roughly 1,590th place of 20,000. I feel like a bad ass.

Check out my run on Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/3684757639

I have the corona virus to thank for my amazing athletic feats of the past 3 months. Without corona there wouldn\’t be these virtual races. Actually, the corona virus has been very good to me. Everything about me is thriving at the moment. My mode of existence has shifted. There are many people who are doing amazing things during this corona virus time. Not everybody is worried about sickness. Just look around you and you will see them.

Stay tuned. I have another virtual race coming in two weeks. It includes a 50k race which has to be done in one effort. 

The Great Rebooting

This corona time is a time of rebooting, not pandemic.

I have been participating in a series of conversations at Abraham Now. It has been incredible. Abraham was talking about this being a time of rebooting. You know, the computer gets glitchy, and locks up, so you reboot and it starts working fine again? Now, during this time of social distancing and time off work, is a time when you can restart you life: body, mind and spirit. Not new software but return to the software you came with. So…I\’ve been doing my spiritual practices in isolation and receiving from non-physical. Then…

Holy eff! I woke up this morning rebooted.

What does rebooting mean?

Rebooting means: Rebooting is to suddenly have this original understanding of my self-conscious mind/ego default network plus the deep mind/primary consciousness plus the inner being/spiritual consciousness equaling a unity of being. I suddenly woke up this morning with a self-conscious/ego mind willing to understand that it is a receiver. Rebooting means that my ego I has been unseated, no longer alone as an I, but now I am a whole system of a being.

Rebooting means that I suddenly am able to sit quietly in meditation without the continuous checking by the self conscious mind: am I doing it yet? Am I enlightened yet? Suddenly, I am trusting and believing that my self conscious mind will receive thoughts as needed because I am at one with the greater part of me. \”Meditation\” is for quietly sitting in communion with the other parts of me; not about achieving enlightenment.

My ego mind is accepting the role of self-consciousness as a receiver from the greater system and not angry about the threshold place beyond which the self-conscious mind  really can\’t go. I just need to stand at the door and what I need will come. It is not a door to keep me out but a transition place for receiving thoughts into physical reality.  My whole world is turned upside down by this understanding. I\’ve been seeing everything backwards and been pissed off about it.

I can trust this. The trusting is is important. Previously, I was unwilling to accept the role. Unwilling because my self-conscious ego mind thought it was somehow less than, and so was fighting to become something more than it is. Being a receiver doesn\’t mean that I, ego, am less than anything; it means I am part of a system. In this acceptance of being part of a system, I have access to the whole system. Rebooting is that now I am accepting and understanding all of me, and appreciating that the whole of my consciousness is always available, always standing at the door. I\’m not pissed off that self-consciousness can\’t go through the door. So, really, there is no door. Just receive and be happy. I am whole (suddenly brought to tears of appreciation).

All this without LSD. Amazing!

The Stream of Well Being

There is a stream of well being in the universe. It is easy to pause a moment, think the words \”stream of well being,\” and feel well being begin to flow through you.

It feels good to tap into the stream of well being. I can tap in first thing in the morning and have a good feeling day, regardless of circumstances. It is easy for me to imagine this stream of well being as a consciousness and to have a relationship with it. It is easy for me to let the stream of well being be my higher power. It is easy for me to imagine riding the stream, even laughing with joy as we go together along my life\’s path. The Stream of Well-Being is a spiritual resource. Let it flow.

In my life, I have had several phases. These phases were marked by periods of time where I lived in a certain place or worked for a certain company. Last night I had a dream about one of these past phases. In the dream, I coincidentally bumped into some people of that phase. I hoped they would mention me to their cohort and that I\’d be asked to come back. This line of thinking caused me to wonder how much I want my life of two weeks ago back. And then, was I grateful enough for it when I had it?

Rather than go down a black hole of feeling bad because I wasn\’t grateful enough in the past, I changed the channel and began to truly feel appreciation for the now. If I want to feel better, I change the channel to the running channel and what is coming up on the horizon. Then expand to appreciation for spiritual inner resources, or non-physical powers active in my life right now. I appreciate a teaching on how to feel joy regardless of circumstances. Spontaneous appreciation feels good. It felt so good to have appreciation after appreciation flow out of me, for all that the universe or my inner spiritual resource has done for me.

Remember the stream of well being.

I am going to sign up for a virtual 100 mile challenge. The time period is the last few days before I will return to work, a grand finale to this paid corona-cation. I can get a belt buckle. I love those running belt buckles.

Sooth Yourself into Well Being

It seems like I face anxiousness early in the mornings. Then it is my job to consciously create thoughts which feel better. This morning I used and exercise from \”Ask and It Is Given\” by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

I wrote out all of these thoughts on physical well being. You can do it too to feel better. Also, don\’t look at the news over and over during the day. Once is enough, and later in the day, but not just before bed.

Here are some good thoughts:

\”It is natural for my body to be well.
Even if I don\’t know what to do in order to get better, my body does.
I have trillions of cells with individual Consciousness,, and they know how to achieve their individual balance.
When this condition began, I didn\’t know what I know now.
If I had known then what I know now, this condition couldn\’t have gotten started.
I don\’t need to understand the cause of this illness.
I don\’t need to explain how it is that I am experiencing this illness.
I have only to gently, eventually, release this illness.
It doesn\’t matter that it got started, because its reversing course right now.
Its natural that it would take some time for my body to align to my improved thoughts of Well Being.
There\’s no hurry about any of this.
My body knows what to do.
Well-Being is natural to me.
My Inner Being is intricately aware of my physical body.
My cells are asking for what they need in order to thrive, and Source Energy is answering those requests.
I\’m in very good hands.
I will relax now, to allow communication between my body and my Source.
My only work is to relax and breathe.
I can do that.
I can do that easily.\”

So… I wrote out all these sentences and sat quietly for a moment. My breathing became calm. The tiny birds came to sit in my bush. I felt peace.

Letter – March 22, 2020

It is a Sunday and rainy and cold. It means that my run will be in a  rain suit. I can do it.

I am feeling incredibly blessed at the moment. A situation came up yesterday over which I felt powerless given the current environment of distancing. But also, a solution arrived. The solution arrived after I practiced conscious creation. I was wowed by the Universe\’s response. Such a path of least resistance. And, I have taken a hot shower and washed my hair, so of course I feel good.

Yesterday was also an amazing day. I went to my Starbucks store because I had to log in on a company computer. While there, my store manager sent me on 30 days paid leave. I was amazed that she didn\’t even ask me if I wanted. Then later in the day, Starbucks Corp. decided to close our store completely. Every barista is being given 30 days paid leave. That is amazing and wonderful.

Yesterday was a sunny day. I ran 5 miles. Then later, I walked 7 miles. During my later walk, lots of people in the neighborhood were outside. At one house, a wine party was going on in the front driveway. Law chairs carefully placed in a semi-circle and socially distanced. Each person had a glass of wine, and they were visiting with all of us who walked by.

Yesterday, I listened to the first hour of Abraham Live. It was amazing. I almost cried as I listened to the opening music. I was so touched by the presence of my own inner spiritual resource. Abraham stresses that we all have our own source of spiritual connection. We all can tap into the powerful shower of well being which is that if we focus on it.

Our mayor sent out a news release, a stay at home order. Only essential trips. We\’ll see how that goes.

I am working on my writing projects. Editing one book which is in first draft. Working on character development and scenes for another book. Writing \”Morning Pages.\” Focusing on being a full time writer. Making sure that ink gets put on paper. I find that I have turned on my brain and creativity is flowing. My advice for the next month of isolation: turn on your brain and listen for creative ideas. They will come from within.

Letters – Day 2

I didn\’t sleep well last night. I guess thats because I slept really well and too much the night before. In any case, I was up a little earlier today. During my morning meditation, I also got the quinoa cooked in the instant pot.

Yesterday I didn\’t listen to the news at all. I fasted from Corona.

My brain was trying to decide if I wanted to return to work and when, if ever. Having a few days away from Starbucks is the perfect opportunity to stop and think. I added up all my savings which I hadn\’t done since the market fell. I harvested my money out of the market before it fell and got it into some CDs before they also fell. So I was curious to see where I am now. I still have dollars above set point. So, financially, Starbucks is not needed. Starbucks is needed for intangible reasons. Reasons I can\’t fully explain but they have to do with fun and joy and endorphin rushes. So I let my manager know I was planning on coming back. I could feel this decision for sure in my guts. Also, Starbucks has stopped allowing any public in the lobby, drive up only, so that makes the job safer. It is weird that when I had a lucrative career I always wanted more time off work and to get away from work. Now, I don\’t pay any attention at all to time off work because I live a very daily life. That is, do I work today or not. One day at a time, never focused on how little vacation I have.

I took a seven mile walk in neighborhoods around where I live. It is very cold and windy today, 21F wind chill. But the sun did come out.

I first became interested in Corona when I heard about the Diamond Princess. The Diamond Princess was the cruise ship anchored off Yokohama and not allowed to disembark. They had Corona on board and the Japanese decided to quarantine the ship. It was to me an interesting example of class structure in our society. The rich first world passengers were quarantined in their cabins but the servant crew, many third worlders, were still serving and not quarantined at all. The passengers got Corona despite being in their cabins. America is wearing these shoes now. The salaried class took their lap tops and went home while the worker class continues to work. The salaried class keeps their salaries and benefits despite not working while the worker class needs to work or else lose all. The salaried class is driving around going shopping while the worker class is manning the stores. That was a very funny thing to discuss at Starbucks since the managers were making decisions about what was safe for baristas while sitting at home not facing any risks themselves. So far however, Starbucks has been good to baristas.

Then Corona went to other parts of the world. Then to other parts of the US. Then a little bit here in fly over country. I am a student of Abraham Hicks. Today I listened to a tape which absolutely helped me find a reality separate from Corona reality. I absolutely can focus on things important to me in a positive sense, not in a disease sense. I can decondition my habitual thinking. I can get my mind off the conditions around me and on something else.  I can include less of \”it\” now. I create my own reality out of my thoughts, which I get to choose. How I feel about the choices is my feed back for whether I was in alignment with my Inner Being.

Spring is coming. The trees are barely in bud.

I went for a walk with a friend.

When I am not working out, I am reading the Lightbringer series by Brent Weeks. I work on my own writing. I signed up for online Abraham Now series.

Letters – Day 1

Dear Friend,
Yesterday I decided to take advantage of my employer\’s (Starbucks) offer of 14 days pay if you want to self isolate. I started my time by sleeping 10 hours. I will go running in a bit. Then I had time to sit at my kitchen table, watch the little birds sitting in my bush, watch the rain come down and write in my journal.

Truly though, it became clear to me that the purpose of this mini-vacation was to practice leading edge consciousness. My life has totally been about connection with the spiritual source within. I have at times called it Higher Self, The Christ Within, Soul, or Inner Being. The consciousness of this power was strong within me this morning as I realized that leading edge thinkers are necessary, always but especially at this time. I have been granted time away from making lattes and bacon goudas to concentrate my thought on well being and peace.

“The physical being that you define as ‘you’ stands on the Leading Edge of thought, while Consciousness, which is really your Source, pours through you” (Ask and It Is Given, Esther and Jerry Hicks, page 13).

Stop and think of this definition of Consciousness and Source. Realize your higher power flowing through you in this way. Feel the flow of spiritual energy. Allow the flow of spiritual energy. There is no better, or other, reason for being alive but to allow this flow of Consciousness and go with it.

As I meditated this morning, I felt so grateful to the Universe for the abundance of time, solitude and peaceful energy flow. I felt my body tingle as I knew that Source had been with me all through my life and is now too.

We can think about whatever we want to think about. We can step aside from mass consciousness for periods of time and choose our reality. We all have this ability. It is so powerful to realize the implications of this practice.