Lenten Friday

From ACIM:

  • God rests in you in quiet, undefended and wholly undefending, for in this quiet state alone is strength and power.
  • It is your Father Whom you would defend against.

ACIM consistently says our one fear is of God. I can relate to the idea of God as a punishing God. My fear of other people seems to me to be a projection of my fear of God, a disassociation I made instead of admitting my fear directly and letting God have it. I have difficulty getting in touch with my fear of God directly. The fear of God underlies our Genesis story; and I\’m sure it is so deeply rooted in my psyche that I haven\’t gone deep enough yet to find it. I will though.

On the other hand, I am able to rest in the inner light. This is my God environment. I gaze at a bright inner sun and am silent in its company. I don\’t ask it for anything or try to anticipate some ecstasy or catharsis. I\’m just there as quietly as possible.

There is nothing more holy and sacred \”out there\” than what can be found in the inner reaches of my mind. In fact, any liturgical attempt is an illusion. This pains me to admit. I so totally want \”The Church\” with its liturgy to be my savior. But it doesn\’t work that way once you have attained Christ consciousness. Since I myself became the sacrament (and we all are because Christ lives in us), I\’ve been unable to pretend that anything less is more divine. Life would be much easier if I could keep up the pretense and go along with church authorities; but the truth has set me free. Going back doesn\’t work. As you can see, I grieve. I also stand in the light. I once again attain silence and my Companion shines into my awareness. Love is all there is.

Everything in my life needs to be focused on Christ. There are so many little distractions. I am a Christian athlete. I train every day to improve my spiritual performance, endurance and strength.

Personal statistics: I ran 6.5 miles in the 4 o\’clock hour this morning. Sometime this weekend, I\’ll get a long run done (20+ miles). The Olathe Marathon is in 3 weeks. I\’m going to have a green smoothie for breakfast; juice for lunch. Yesterday, at 8 pm, the DSL came on at my house. But I was already in bed so I haven\’t tried it yet. Yesterday at noon, ATT turned on my phone service, first I\’ve had for many years. At 3, after work, I bought a phone. The first call around 5 pm was from a marketer. My next move was to get on the computer and add my phone to the no-call list. I also turned off the ringer. No one has the number except calling computers.


Lent 9 – Value Holiness

“…value holiness above all else…”

I read this passage from ACIM this morning. It is a formative statement. It means that I will give up looking negatively at people and judging their behavior with my ego; instead I will look beyond the illusion and see only holiness, Christ. Christ is in all of us, but He resides beyond this material world. His kingdom is within, not of this world.

Part of my whole spiritual endeavor is to transcend the muck and murk of my own egotistical thinking. I want to live with a mind filled with light. I want to experience a consciousness of Christ in real time. This Christ consciousness seems to me to be the only happy way to live. The main thing is that I admit my faults to Him and give up myself to Him. I turn my thinking over to Him.

The Rule of Benedict says to prefer nothing to Christ and to treat others as Christ. I can do this if I quit using my body’s eyes to see illusions; and instead see only truth with the eyes of my heart. The eyes of my heart are Christ’s. Holiness is our essential truth.

Honestly, I pursue this path but cannot claim Christ awareness when I am in the middle of other people. The lapse in consciousness means that my spiritual muscles are very weak. I still have a vested interest in seeing other’s faults. Instead, I want to be more invested in wanting holiness; enough to insist that all I see is holiness. I’m certain this training and strengthening of Christ consciousness and Christ vision is possible. I’m doing it with the help and guidance of Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I am doing it with the support of everyone else’s Christ consciousness; although most of us are unaware of our spiritual support of others.

When I say that I have stopped investing in this world, I hope I am transferring my investments and treasures to the Kingdom within, where Christ is.

Blogging about my dream of Christ gives me mixed emotion. On the one hand, I am sharing my passion and hope. On the other, I feel like I am preaching about something I haven’t really grasped myself. Like the emperor, I have no clothes, more or less. I am really nothing; just a girl with hopes of a better way of thinking.

Lenten Feasibility Study

I share with you my prostration; 40 days of magnitude. I thought about Lent and how it is a special environment for 40 day intensification of the spiritual journey into a desert of Christ alone. If you read this blog, you know I routinely seek Christ. What more could I possibly do? I actually don’t know. A prostration is a journey and a journey is a prostration. We always stand with Christ in ineffable prayer.
I live with Christ; the keeper of my soul.
My journey is deep into the Love of Christ.
Christ’s laughter fills my heart at every waking moment;
Making Love Real; giving all to me.
Forever He whispers His love and wisdom and light;
Truly I sense Him as a beacon of hope and direction.
I am loving Christ; Visibly and Passionately and Demonstratively.
Honoring Christ with Body, Mind and Spirit;
Creation is Love’s witness.

I begin the journey with these personal statistics:
Catholic, engineer, female, solitary, spiritual athlete.
ACIM Workbook: Ash Wednesday is lesson 107 on my 2nd time through.
ACIM Text: about 20.VIII on my 4th time through.
Raw vegan commitment: Ash Wednesday is day 8.
I am 50 years and 1.5 months old.
I have 23 years and 6.5 months of sobriety.
I have been out of the convent for 5 years and 6.5 months.
I have worked at my current job for 4 years and 5 months.
I have lived in a small Kansas town for 3 years and 5 months.
I run 50 miles a week and lift weights.
First marathon of my 50th year is the Olathe Marathon on 3/28.

These statistics will not diminish, but increase during Lent. Probably no new ones will surface. There is no end of my journey, only an attempt to intensify my relationship with Christ. You, my friends, are with me in Christ. No one can escape Christ. The Love of Christ is mandatory as life is spirit and Spirit is life. I hope to know you there and join with you as we step into eternal bliss together. Audacious and bold; I cringe not at my forthright conviction. Ride the demons down. Fill your camelback and join me in the desert where Christ is. Leave behind littleness and sloth; casting it off as so much filth. You my friend are my light. I will follow you deeper into Christ.

In the desert, you cannot afford luxury. Useless trappings of status must be left behind. In the desert, you must become hard, efficient, attentive. The only thing in abundance is Love. Love is expansive, pushing out from your heart in all directions. Love is Spirit, your water, your food, your blood, your thought. In the desert, become the one thought of Christ. Trim all else. The glory of Christ is your only option for survival. Come. Your Love awaits. Beyond the beyond, He calls and guides.
How deeply would you allow yourself to love Christ? How vibrantly would you allow your heart to throb for Christ? Consider quietly. Gather your passion. Could it be that Christ is real?
May I be unreasonable about the whole thing!

Running Spirit

I arrived in the city about 8 this morning. I figured I would go to the fellowship and then run. I had a car full of running clothes. As I sat outside the fellowship, the north wind gently rocked my car. I thought I might cancel my long run because of the wind.

After the meeting, I was driving to the park. My mind itemized my clothes and my Gu and water and the wind. It struck me….how completely terrified I am of the long run. Not just this long run, but all of them. It struck me that every weekend, I fidget around worrying about weather and running locations and the like. Then, the door of my inner being opened and a light shone in my mind: I am terrified to be a human being period. It was awesome to ponder the depth and to want to explore further.

I got to the park. I didn’t know if I was doing my long run or not, but I put my water on the car and the Gu in my pockets and got started. I would run a lap and then see. The course is east-west, so its only half into the wind. You wouldn’t think it was that bad: 25F, sunny, wind at 20-30 mph.

My mind was still thinking about fear, and the totally of my life’s fear. I was exploring inward. That is the beauty of a long run on a flat dirt path that loops for 2.7 miles. There is plenty of time to think. I returned to my one single question: who is it that gets me out of bed in the morning since I am terrified of the world? I see people all around me, eating and watching TV and perhaps not getting out of bed. Here I am, not only out of bed but a marathoner doing a long run on a bitterly windy day.

I turn the corner and head into the wind for the second half of the loop. The wind, has switched from an embrace at my back to sharply probing gusts at my face. I am dressed perfectly except for my head. I have to pull the nylon up over my face. I feel the wind’s fingers trying to reach in and challenge the fear. I am a little whiney about it. I survive the first lap. I look in my car to see if the other face mask is in there. It is not, but I decide on another lap.

The second lap, the wind doesn’t seem to be bothering me. The third lap, I notice that there are 3 or 4 other runners doing the same as me, long runs. At that moment, a peace descends on me. The thought of us 3 or 4 runners patiently doing our long distance running in this little park seems utterly quiet and holy. The park is sandwiched between the Missouri River and a RR track and a busy road. The busy people in the cars are quickly scurrying to their next event. At least three of them get speeding tickets today. But there in anonymity are these 3 or 4 runners; together experiencing the secret and mystical world of long distance.

This picture is a microcosm of my life. I really am not going anywhere with my life. I do the daily deal in a circle; and what I am contemplating is all that really matters. The thing that gets me out of bed is greater than me. It is my truth: love, peace, vision, intention, joy, innocence. In other words: Christ or spirit. I am a spirit. I have not lost the point of being alive: learning to be spirit rather than human.

After 4 laps, I figure I’ve been out there 2 hours without any major problems, might as well do 6. After 6 laps, I decide I’d hate to waste coming this far, might as well do one more. After 7, I decide to do a short lap to cap the run at 21 miles. Then….I get in the car and drive home. Simple as that.


It seems good to share beautiful passages from A Course in Miracles.

-The Holy Spirit’s vision is no idle gift, no plaything to be tossed about awhile and laid aside.
-…you see glimpses of the face of Christ behind the veil…
-…the Son of God is innocent…
-Together we will disappear into the Presence beyond the veil, not to be lost but found; not to be seen but known.

The main thing I have learned from ACIM is to look beyond the physical world, beyond the veil of illusions and dreams, to The Christ, The Son of God, The Self, residing in everything; but importantly in everyone. The Christ is joy and love and innocence. I can see Christ with inner eyes and the faculty of knowing rather than perceiving.

The most difficult thing to learn is that the physical world (including my body) is an illusion, a dream. It does not exist except in dreaming minds. In fact, the illusion I see is entirely my projection of my dream. If I see sin, I have to accept it is a projection of my self hate and fear of God. Sin cannot really exist in a dream. Hence, I have no need to judge (mentally attack) anyone. All I need do is practice seeing Christ, not with physical eyes, but with inner eyes. There are no separate people, only one light of Christ which we can learn to see.

The goal of ACIM is peace. If I quit my mental attacks and look beyond the physical to Christ, I will have peace. The reason I hang in there with ACIM and its counter-cultural teachings is that I see myself making progress in seeing Christ. My daily consciousness is no longer a continuous hateful commentary on everything and everyone. There are many difficult concepts in ACIM. Many seem foolish or outright idiotic.

I take my spirituality seriously. God is not a side light for Whom I carve out a few minutes. God is the main point from Whom I’m torn away to attend my dream world. I keep practicing the Presence even at work. I think about how little I give God; even a couple hours a day seems small to me.

Reflections – Fasting 122 Hours

There is a difference between a secular solitary and a monk eremitic. The secular solitary is alone just to be alone. The monk is alone to be alone with God. By secular, I do not mean atheist. By monk, I do mean spiritual; the monos who is one heart with God. The secular solitary may say prayers. The monk is the prayer.

I am a monk. The point of my life is God. I am not traditionally consecrated into a religious tradition. I am a monk in the world; self styled. I learned about being a monk from Benedictines. I learned about it from books. Most of my monastic practices are traditional: lectio divina (spiritual reading) and contemplative prayer. Anthony was an early Christian who famously started the tradition; leaving the city and going out in the desert to live with Christ and fight demons. But most Holy Rules for monks advocate the structure of a monastery. I am the variety who left the monastery and went to the Poustinia to live on my own. The lack of religious validation is a cross I seem to bear; a relic of my Benedictine teaching. I have no trappings, like religious garb, or title, or hairdo. I look very ordinary and do not generally speak publicly of who I really am.

You might say, “But you are an engineer.” I would say, “I don’t have a desert cave or a monastery, so I work for a living.” You might say, “You are a runner.” I would say, “I am running to God. I run in the Spirit.” Alone, I am not constantly busy, not even reading all the time. Often, I just sit and contemplate. I spend hours in lectio. I listen. I am silent. I am being still and waiting.

I live in a Poustinia. Poustinia is the Russian word for desert. It was traditional for Orthodox monks to go to a hermitage. A Poustinia in the West is a place for someone to go and seek God. It is a place of silence and solitude and prayer. Although looking like a house, inside it is the Mount of Carmel, the Mount of Tabor, the cave of Jesus tomb, the cave of Elijah, the Bodhi tree of Siddhartha, a Tibetan mountain peak, an ashram of one in an Indian forest. The Poustinia is the agony of the cross where Jesus cried, “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?” The Poustinia is the river of baptism and the mount of transfiguration where God cried out, “This is my beloved Son, listen to him.” The Poustinia is a prostration at the foot of the cross, and before the Glory of God. The Poustinia is the wild shouting, “Hosanna” and “Maranatha.” It is the place where I have chosen to go.

My Poustinia is also in my heart, my consciousness; my inner temple where God dwells eternally. I go to work and the store and the marathon and other places, but my life is always hidden in the inner temple, known only to Christ. The light of Christ shines out. If it was me that lived in the world, not Christ, there would be no light for others and I would be a dreadfully sickened person. This is not so.

In the Poustinia, there is the darkness of Mother Theresa, the great faith of pilgrims crowding Lourdes. There is Eucharist and Adoration and Reconciliation. There is no football or election campaign or financial crisis. The monk’s material needs are minimized, being filled by God. Music is a type of veil, hiding the soul from God; or a covering which prevents the mind from being totally exposed to the divine light. The news is a distraction, diverting thought from the divine Presence and from prayer. TV is programming; filling the mind with something other than Christ. The monk’s food will often stray into nothing but spiritual texts; eating the words and being satisfied with God. The Poustinia is not often ecstatic. Usually it is just a desert, just a silent place, just faith. With the darkness of God’s silence and the blinding light of faith, the monk waits and watches and listens and prays. This is the life of a monk in the world and what I have embraced as my vocation.

This leads into my response to your question, “Why am I telling you about being a monk?” There are cosmic and eschatological reasons for the eremitical life, the silent life. At a minimum, the conscious contact of one person with God is a gift for all; whether they know it or not. Christ is a cosmic consciousness remembered for all and given to all. It is because I feel the inner light of Christ beaming out to all creation. I wanted to offer Christ consciousness as a gift; and remind us of spiritual realities beyond normal day-to-day life.

One person alone praying seems so worthless. No evangelization is attempted. The works of charity do not take place in the physical world. Purpose is carried out metaphysically and spiritually; perhaps not seen but deeply known. No trace of the hermit’s healing hands are found, but surely they were there. No sound of the hermit’s prayer was heard, but surely a blessing was received.

In my silence and my fasting, I have found the well of praises for Christ my life. These praises gush forth uncontainable. My dam has broken. My reservoir empties. Peace be with you.

Reflections – Fasting 100 Hours

The hermitage, the fast and the long run are mine today. I have a sense of humility about it because nothing seems to have been accomplished. I existed in worldly uselessness; yet conscious of continuous divine communication. I prayed, but the divine communication was unperceived, seen only by faith and heart.

Running, fasting and solitude are my cross; unexplainable to the uninitiated. These are gifts I carry; vertical aspiration and horizontal expansion. Carrying the cross, I am the tool of Spirit. I seek not crucifixion, nor sacrifice, nor suffering. I carry a cross of joy in Spirit, peace in all directions and love at its heart.

Running, fasting and solitude have emptied me today. If not for the four days of juice, the 17 miles in a hilly frigid park and abstinence from the world; I might be fat, dumb and complacent. Fasting prepared the raw materials. Running threw me over a cliff, where the gentle embrace of solitude became my cushioned fall and endless immersion in light.

The fasting was the furnace. The running was the pounding and shaping by the divine hammer. The solitude was the quenching. I have become a tempered soul under the hand of Divine Love. I was refined from a pile of dirt to fine gold. I was transformed from an iron bar to a tempered steel sword. I was etched with beautiful designs and mysterious symbols. I am lovingly oiled and polished and placed in a sheath worn at My Lord’s waist.

There lies my humility, again I notice. I am carried at the side of Love, never withdrawn for violence, beauty forever hidden. I am an accessory, an accoutrement. His Presence requires my service, but my purpose is hidden away from what I appear to be. My silent unused position is a kind of prostration which I gladly offer.

What a strange reflection today. It is nonsensical, meaningless puffs of fantasy, musings of a spiritual drunk, the ravings of a mystical fool.

Christ the life of my soul.
My life hidden in Christ.
Christ lives, not I.

Fasting 54 hours – Reflections

The desert to which Christ calls me, in fasting and in solitude, is not for ecstasy but for contemplation. It is for learning to be satisfied with the knowledge of His Presence, not euphoria. In the desert, my life becomes Christ; as I lose all other identities and worldly props. I am here because He called. I am here because He is Love. I am here because I’m willing to give up all but His Light. In contemplation, I am light; nothing else, nothing special. I have no special perception and I do not ask for anything; merely being in His Presence. I am neither saint nor sinner nor wisdom nor dullness. The others here with me in the desert, fasting and contemplating and utterly silent, form a chorus of pure joyful thought communicating with Love through a channel of unified innocence and holiness. There is only one well from which we drink the living water; and only one life which flows in our veins. Having given up all else, only His joy is ours; as we are Christ.

For what other purpose would I use my human life? Does the problem of not knowing God strike anyone as crucial? I have nothing to give but everything of the world to lose in order to remember Love. At what point would I give up on God and go out to eat? At what point would I stop in my tracks and realize what it is I really want; falling at His feet in gratitude for His ever extended Love. He did not ask for more than my glance; and suddenly I saw and was captivated.

I worked out on the porch early this morning. My passion for Him was in the nudging of the resistance on the bike or the speed of the treadmill. I ran 6 miles this afternoon. My passion for Him was in the effort of racing up a hill, the squinting at the sun, or the sudden looking up to see a bird. I went to work and related. I went to WalMart and smiled. I sat in silence, in light, and waited; embraced by Love.

Christ is my whole life.

Inauguration Day

Today, decide to deny your ego and allow the Holy Spirit to rule in your mind. Then, having made the decision, celebrate by inaugurating Him. Swear Him in and have a ball!

There are certain events going on in the ego world today which seem of great importance. Use the delusion to enable LOVE to ascend to the place of supreme ruler in your heart. Imagine all the host of heaven crowding your inner temple of God and the hush as they watch you elevate your Higher Power, as you turn your will and your life over to Him. The most important thing in any life is to return to God. Making the desire for God real is my number one goal. I want to want to know my Self (Christ) above all else.

From ACIM:

  • …the Holy Spirit is part of you…He is both God and you, as you are God and Him together.
  • They are quite real as part of the Self you do not know.
  • …you who hold Him and whom He holds are the universe…
  • …this Self must be there…this Self you clearly do not know…even though IT functions…what functions must be there…it is only ikf you deny what IT has done that you could possibly deny ITs Presence.

Stop putting up barriers of unbelief against this Self. IT is there. Decide for IT. Deny your ego instead.

Jesus, I want desire to know my Self to be highest priority, highest desire, highest area of action in whatever I do. Please help me. Please help me hear.

This Week\’s Long Run

Running Matters (to a lunatic perhaps, and to which station I claim):

How much self transcendence is involved in the long distance run? Or the weight lifting and nutrition and time commitment necessary to be an endurance athlete? Or the patience required to just go along for several hours?

[This channel will be on hold for 4 hours while the runner goes running.]

Four plus hours and 22 plus miles later, am I still spiritual?

I began with humility and trepidation. The Presence of Holiness attended the lacing of the shoes and the layering of clothes, the filling of water bottles and the storage of energy packets; like a priestess preparing for the sacred liturgy in the temple of the long road.

I am a solitary runner. Today, in secret, I ran along and along; a mystery as I ran. The secret rock ritual, the secret pee, the hidden spat of anger at the stupid UA tights which were twisting around my leg; these little things are the mystery. To what purpose did that leaf hit me in the chest? For Whom have I endured the humiliation of the north wind and its inhumane lashes? I am shown to be the puny weakling that I am. My high tech gear does not prevent the wind from ravishing me to the bone.

I am a spirit and the mystery of running disembodies me. Today, alone in the park, down there, up there, down there, up there, put a rock on the post, squat to pee, take a package of Gu; around and around and around; I was nothing and nobody, a mystery. After three hours, I can’t think. I’m done praying, the song in my head has faded away, and simply run. I am moving forward, but my mind has begun grasping at straws.

I completed 6 laps plus ¾ of a lap. My butt was dragging that last partial lap. My body was not in pain, but my mind was having a tough time. At that point, any mind can rationalize shortening the run, not going all the way. This resistance is the self transcendence wall. Endurance takes you beyond your self; if you can somehow keep going. Each step is my affirmation to live, to be alive; to not live dead on the couch for the next 30 years. This is my way. Voluntarily strengthening the mind to go the last mile is why running matters. Distance running is optional; but so is self transcendence.

A shower, spirulina, chlorella, royal jelly, water, a salad, coffee.

I am having a hermit day. This means that I am not involved with people; taking a break from life. I did have my usual morning spiritual practice; but then I spent 4 hours on a long distance run. When I was in the monastery was when I first heard of hermit days. They allowed each person one day a month to be alone. This breach of community and reprieve from the liturgical work was justified in the eremitical tradition of monastic history. You were supposed to go into a silent desert (your cell) and spend time alone with your lover (God); and praying for the world. I did spend additional time in meditation those hermit days; but no more than I do every day in my current life as a solitary. I used hermit days to go for long runs. Of course back then, a long run was only about 10 miles; now as you can see, it is a bit more. My life in the world comes to fruition. The training leads to a marathon. The meditation leads to helping others. Now, when I pray for the world, it is my voluntary choice; not because I’m a nun and required to. My lover (God) still comes around, but His intensity is much more demanding. My self transcendence leads to voluntarily entering the inner Heaven; where the spiritual wind is as ravishing as the north wind I experienced on my run. The only difference is I have no protective clothing against the inner spiritual wind.

Candy from ACIM:

  • God offers thanks to the holy host who would receive Him (Christ), and lets Him enter and abide where He would be.
  • And by allowing Him to enter, the remembrance of the Father enters with Him, and with Him they remember the only relationship they ever had, and ever want to have.

    Now, I think I will retire to a reclining position.