Monday Reflection

Is it Monday? No problem. It is my Saturday.

Weird thing about working at Starbucks, I can hardly wait to go back to it. I don\’t think that ever happened with my career job.

The Easter Bunny was working at Starbucks yesterday:

I never wore bunny ears to my career job. That was for grocery store clerks and other poor low wage under achievers. Ha! I had alot of fun when people noticed that a bunny was taking their order. None of my other partners did bunny ears. I\’m glad I can be silly.

Yesterday afternoon, I took a trail run at Hodge park. These trails are very easy, very runnable. They twist and turn through the trees so you lose a sense of where you are. Meditation occurs because your brain is focused on rocks and roots; not anything of the world. There were no trails like this near my house in Texas. In Kansas City, I have access to several parks with trails, near my house. Super. Next weekend, I am going in a trail half marathon. Should be fun.

I didn\’t pay to much attention to the religious aspect of Easter. It has been a long time since I was involved in religion. I stopped supporting the Catholic Church when Pope Benedict was elected, because, in my opinion, he was the \”priest predator protector in chief.\” I think predator priests belong in jail, and non-celibate priests should go find another denomination which approves of sex and marriage for clergy. I also think that the Catholic Church has rules about celibacy for priests because it wants to own and control both the priests and The Eucharist. No one can own The Eucharist, and no one should own a priest. I decided that Jesus wouldn\’t support that church. I became spiritual not religious.

Last Friday, a couple pastors from a church came into Starbucks. They wanted to buy everybody\’s coffee for an hour, and hand out cards announcing their Easter services. The shift supervisor allowed it. From my point of view, this was a pain in the ass. When someone makes an order, a sticker is printed which goes on their cup, and then the bar knows what to put in that cup. But the church guy didn\’t give me his credit card and tell me to go to town. No, he wanted to pay at the end. So each order took 3 times as long to process because I had to take it to a certain point, save it so the sticker would print, copy it onto a different register, then void it on my register. And, I had to explain to people that a church wanted to buy their coffee and that they should go get a card from that guy over there. I wasn\’t that enthusiastic about making this speech, mainly because I\’m not a proselytizer for any church. I am in favor of nourishing the soul, which Starbucks coffee does.

Most people were happy for a free coffee. Some didn\’t want a church buying their coffee. I don\’t know if any lost souls got a free coffee and went to that church for the first time this weekend. \”He is risen,\” is the cry that went out from all the Christian churches. Anybody who really believes the religious story of Jesus probably already belongs to a church. My own story is that I decided long ago to \”shamelessly follow Jesus.\” That vow takes me to truth, inner truth, the truth of my being. And so, here I am, just me as Source made me.

Source made me good.period.


Lesson 254

\”Lesson 254: Let every voice but God’s be still in me.
1 Father, today I would but hear Your Voice. In deepest silence I would come to You, to hear Your Voice and to receive Your Word. I have no prayer but this: I come to You to ask You for the truth. And truth is but Your Will, which I would share with You today.

2 Today we let no ego thoughts direct our words or actions. When such thoughts occur, we quietly step back and look at them, and then we let them go. We do not want what they would bring with them. And so we do not choose to keep them. They are silent now. And in the stillness, hallowed by His Love, God speaks to us and tells us of our will, as we have chosen to remember Him.\”

It is Friday afternoon. I am drinking coffee. It is quiet here in my house. No \”entertainment.\” My head is not raging at me. I don\’t think I want to go anywhere. And for some reason, I\’ve not quite put the energy together to do any workout. Maybe after some more quiet time, I\’ll feel like walking.

I have been reviewing my journal for the past year. And also thinking about some successes for the coming year. There are some obvious themes which characterize my thinking. The themes should be obvious but until I looked back and saw it written every day, I didn\’t exactly know how frequently I thought that. A Course in Miracles would just say \”These thoughts do not mean anything.\”

My life doesn\’t have any big problems. So my spirituality is not about trauma. I\’m discovering a spirituality of quiet all on my own. Of course, I\’ve read books on silence etc. Now I\’ve got quiet in all of my own life (not just when meditating) and my ego doesn\’t have any big deals to yell at me about. I realize that creating another project to occupy me is exactly what my ego would want. But to sit here quietly and not start anything; that is the challenge.

When you study scripture\’s origin and the community from which Jesus probably came and scrutinize Paul\’s Christianity, you are left with nothing true about today\’s Christianity. You stop trying to prove anything by quoting scripture because you know it is wrong. Eventually, you observe the void, feel the null. No emotion is left.

It is 2014 and the internet is everything. So the monastic order in which I was formed has a face book page and tweets and videos. I look at the pictures frequently and know the people in them. I may not be there physically but the sisters are in my mind everyday. What does this mean? Is it good or bad? They are doing something new. The Roman Church is have a \”year of consecrated life.\” I have qualms about that. But because of it, the sisters started wearing traditional habits on Sundays. It is yet one more example of why I don\’t belong there. I go running on Sundays, not sit around in my habit.

I can completely write volumes about my universal non-special concept of God. I\’ve lost my vehemence to do so.
So back to silence. Listening to the quiet Voice for God and doing nothing.


I\’ve been a runner since I was 13 years old. I am now 55. I actually ran a marathon last Sunday. I am pretty much amazed. I did a good job.

The daily workouts go on. I\’d like to say I am training for a race; and I suppose I am. But really, I maintain fitness and then go in races. I like to do miles at any old slow speed. Next up is a 7 day virtual race. I\’m pleased with this idea. I\’ll challenge myself to get 100 miles done as soon as I can. It is a privilege to be an athlete at age 55.

But what has been fascinating me lately is my Christianity. Finally an integration is occurring as I\’ve found distinctly Christian authors expressing truth. See, I quit going to any organized denominational church because I didn\’t think the real truth of Jesus was being preached. Well, I also found that the despicable acts of Catholic priests and the hierarchy could not be supported with my being.

But finally, I\’m finding the point of coalescence between A Course in Miracles, Greek philosophy and Christianity. Books of interest:
The Slavery of Death by Richard Beck
History of God by Karen Armstrong
Books by Keith Akers on the earliest disciples

I\’d like to say I am a Christian; except that associates me with a denomination and the Christian denominations don\’t have my support.

Peace, non-violence, renunciation and silent listening work for me. Christ is in my heart and yours.

9/80 Weekend

This weekend, I put together 42 miles in about 10 hours. Today was walk day, as in mostly walk only some jog. Yesterday was 5×1 day, as in jog 5 walk 1.

And I bought a new car:

Totally happy with it. Its my second Prius, 4th Toyota. First sexy black car.

It has been a weekend of pondering inner peace. The car purchase was part of it; because it was almost a total non-event as far as life in this world is concerned. I went to the dealership. Jerked around with the sales man back and forth twice. Jerked around with a stack of paperwork. Move my stuff into the new car and go home. Inner peace would mean a not-special life. No dopamine. No highs. No lows. I\’ve been working on inner peace as a spiritual goal. My life does get quieter. But then I ask myself, do I really want this? Well, not ego does. Egos like turmoil and excitement.

Today is the start of Holy Week for the Christians, especially the Roman Catholics. It is a hellish week for monastics. \”The Demons\” go wild with annoyances. As for myself, I don\’t really see the point anymore. It has been several years since I finished my bible studies and decided most of it was the domain early Church Bishop\’s agenda; and that what Jesus said or did has been misinterpreted ever since.

Sitting in my AA meeting this week, I had a revelation. See, I felt guilty that I left my home town at the age of 26 to move halfway across the continent. Got sober and attempted to do step 9 by letter with a raging alcoholic. Didn\’t work. She kicked me out of her life and then died before I ever saw her again. Yesterday, I for the first time thought, \”What if all that was The Spirit\’s way of sparing me additional pain including a life as a drunk?\” What if I was doing the next right thing and how it turned out had nothing to do with me? Then, I should accept The Spirit\’s gift of a sober life and be happy.

Today I did my miles in Brummerhop park. 41 laps. I thought about self transcendence. My whole ultra career go started and stays on because I hope for self transcendence. Truly, walking laps in a 0.37 miles loop is unglamorous and the only thing to do is repeat the day\’s spiritual lesson. For hours. I could call it training for the 55 hour race I signed up for. But really, its original purpose was self transcendence. I attempt to think thoughts not from the worldly source. I attempt to quiet my mind and hear spiritually sourced thoughts.

And just keep walking.

And just keep walking.

Long Weekend – Non-Valentine\’s

I don\’t participate in Christmas or Thanksgiving for matters of conscience. What about Valentine\’s Day? I don\’t have a boy friend, so nothing to decide. But I have refused candy and cookies since I continue to abstain from the great American eating machine, the culture of excess and super-size.

Don\’t super-size me.

In fact, I\’m going in a half marathon on Saturday. I\’m coming in at a slim 132 lb for a 5\’8\” female frame. Personally, I think I would be normal weight were this 40 years ago.

It is a 3 day weekend for me. This weekend is my Friday off. I\’m going to do what I do every weekend: study spiritual texts, sit in silence, run. I somehow have become once again interested in what Jesus said and did. I continue to seek reconciliation with Jesus apart from religion. And so, I have found a new author who looks at Jesus outside the traditional methods.

If I did in fact make a vow 15 years ago to shamelessly follow Jesus and live a life of prayer; then I am continuing to fulfill the vow. Shamelessly following Jesus is radical; not your normal church going Christianity, which is anything but shamelessly-following-Jesus. To be in a church is to follow the agenda of men. This I cannot do.

No, I am not a Christian.

Yes, I am against Christianity.

This leaves me as a shameful sight to Christians; anathema. But I shamelessly step up to the plate and say: Jesus was worthy of following but he was not what you say. Love is worth it. I suppose I love Him; and so I do what I do.

The Hero

Now that I am home from my business trip, I have taken my study of Q back up. Q? Q is a source for the Gospels of Mathew and Luke separate from Mark. There is no historical document of Q. There is only passages in Mathew and Luke which are identical enough to say they copied them from somewhere, but they don\’t appear in Mark. There are some interesting silences in the Q material.

Any true Christian should do a several years study of the Bible from the critical point of view: Where did it come from? Don\’t just take it point blank or according to what the church authority says.

My point today is that I was reading how Q\’s Jesus story relates to the typical prophet\’s story found in the Old Testament, particularly Wisdom 2-5. The person who makes a decision to adhere to God ALWAYS undergoes persecution and death. Then the adherent often rises; but frequently the adherent\’s sayings live on in the survivors. This \”Wisdom Story\” is not an individual\’s story but a community story.

The Wisdom Story happens over and over and crosses cultural and time boundaries.

So from a neuro-philosophy point of view, I wonder: is the Wisdom Story just a part of human brain wiring? If so, do I have to believe it? Do I have to follow it?

What was really the truth of Jesus?

What I have to go on today is many written materials, and my own experiences of Spirit. Is the Spirit spiritual or is the Spirit my own Higher Self? What I do know is that my foundational belief is that there is a higher consciousness and that I can rely on it activities. Its relationship to me is a beneficial one. It doesn\’t have to be my Higher Self. It could be OUR Higher Self.

I have clearly decided for God. No I don\’t have any proof and am willing to admit this is entirely neuro.

Frisco 50 – I am an Ultra Runner

It is Sunday morning. I am in an airport. I just walked back and forth along the concourse for 2.5 miles. Last night, I sat in a hotel room and looked at my second place medal from the 50k (31 miles) I ran. It is a symbol of something.

I am an ultra runner again. I will say, for me, there is something more to a 31 mile race than a 26.2 mile race.

My trip to Kansas City has caused me to realize: I don\’t care about Kansas City. I am a person without a commitment to a place or a tribe. This is the result of my Course in Miracles studies. Yes, I walk about the world, but I am not really attuned to it. I know it is a dream. I see my own charade being carried out and I don\’t need to judge anyone else\’s charade.

I met interesting people at the 50k race: Mr Florida, Ms Ithaca, Miss Ft Worth, Rob…

Running in the last few miles, I did realize that this race was showing me what I am made of. I was beyond what training could do. I was just being guttish. My legs hurt but it seemed not to matter.

The aid stations were out of water. The finish line was out of finisher\’s medals. A deer fly bit me enough to draw blood. I got the last diet coke.

Being from Houston, the humidity was my friend.

I had one thought on my mind: The gift of Christ is all I seek today. This phrase is from A Course in Miracles. I mention that because many Christians would not agree with the premises of the Course. But while I was running a 50k, there was a young man running a half marathon. I saw him at the start with a large wooden cross. At about 6 miles, I was passing someone, and another person in a shorter race was coming back at me (meaning 3 of us across a 10 ft wide trail). Just then, the man with the cross came from behind and passed me. I didn\’t hear him. I said, \”Sorry.\” He quickly adjusted the cross to keep from hitting me and said, \”that\’s ok.\”

Watching him run forward, I thought about all the things people do for religion and in this case Jesus. I mean, I did spend 4 years in a monastery and know the shenanigans the nuns pull. Then I realized: the problem with Christianity is that everyone has their own belief about Jesus.

Now in the airport, I hear there is a scandal in the Roman Catholic church related to nuns. Really?

I had lunch with an old friend during this trip. I feel bored with the conversation. Walking back and forth in the airport, I realize that Kansas City is not special to me. I lived here 25 years, but there is nothing there for me now.

Back in Houston. DOMs is setting in. I must keep moving.

Daniel Day 26 – Remembering

Starting with the question, \”Why don\’t I remember God?\” a wonderful spiritual journey and experience can begin.

I can remember anything I want to remember. Why not God? I must not want to remember God. So I must look at myself and see why I don\’t want to remember God. In fact, I must be doing things to not want to remember God.

If I want to remember something else, I do things. Here are the things:

  • I set things out of place.
  • I set alarms.
  • I make habits.
  • I succumb to peer pressure and society\’s rules (caring what others think of me).
  • I have a bodily need like hunger or tiredness.
  • I\’m addicted.
  • I want it for grandiose reasons; like rewards or to please others.
  • I could be avoiding pain or lose.

What if I threw everything I had into remembering God? Why don\’t I want to be successful? Am I incapable? No…discern further.

From ACIM:

  • …confused communication does not mean anything. A message cannot be communicated unless it makes sense.
  • How sensible can your message be when you ask for what you do not want?…as long as you are afraid…that is precisely what you are asking for.
  • You and your Creator can communicate through creation.
  • Christ is in me…

I can’t remember God because I am asking about an idea of something which I don’t know what it is. Thus, I am asking for something which I have been told I should want but do not really want because I don’t know what it is. If you say God is Love, and I do want that, I might be confused. So much of my idea of love is really self serving. If I feel like a spiritual failure and cry out in prayer, it is really my ego, not God, that I am praying to. I am begging my ego to set me free and I know this because the world of perception is the ego’s. The belief that I am a physical being (instead of a spiritual one) is the ego’s. The only way to pray is to calm down and look into my silent depths. Christ is in me.

I can support Christ in me by realizing something else. Pay attention, I am going to shift this discussion a little. I am on a 40 day Daniel Fast and today is day 26. Fasting, combined with prayer, is for life changing spiritual breakthrough. Indeed, my own life has shifted tremendously from what it was like before starting the fast. I was running 50 or more miles a week and very unhappy because I was gaining weight. Now, I haven’t been running due to a foot injury but have lost 5 pounds; thus am very much at peace. Then, I hated religion, the limitations of religious rules, and thought the monastery up the street was pansy ass. Now, I have returned to church, want to understand what my 4 year education in Benedictine life was about, and am considering becoming an oblate at the monastery up the street. Then I was just an employee at a company I disapproved of. Now, I am willing to join the team of management in running the plant without hourly people (who are on strike) in order to save the company and change our culture. Then, I was afraid of losing my retirement. Now, I see wall street adjustments as a good thing and am not relying on anything but God. AND I am at peace with all these changes; that is the miracle part.

What these changes mean in the spiritual realm is that I see myself behaving, believing and loving in ways that are not possible for my ego. I see myself do what my ego does not want to do and realize that there is something higher than my ego in operation in my life. I see that I have and need to continue to turn my thinking over to this higher beneficent power who helps me be at peace at all times no matter what is going on. My ego only wants rewards and recognition. Beneficence wants to love. Beneficence must be “Christ within me.” I must throw all my effort into allowing Beneficence to be my consciousness.

Look at the list of things I do when I WANT to remember something. If I look at the peace and love Beneficence brings, and think about it quietly, I will find I WANT that. If I WANT something, then I am perfectly capable of ensuring that I remember it. So There!

Daniel Day 10 – still

Fasting has not eliminated challenges. In fact, they may have increased. Fasting was not an escape into fluff and irresponsibility. My attitude has been surprisingly good. Perhaps, fasting is enabling me to do the work God has put in front of me. Life\’s purpose 3 was: Do the work. So, God has work for me. I never wanted it. I have always wanted to escape from life. I suppose if this fast has brought awakening to new life, I\’ll have to give up my ego\’s death wish…imagine that.

What surprises me somewhat, I have been reading many books on fasting and prayer written by evangelical Christians. Why? Hardly anyone else writes books on fasting and prayer. Since I wear the burlap mantle of the cross and profess to shamelessly follow Jesus, it seems appropriate to read whoever combines Christ and fasting. I will never be a purist when it comes to theology, though maybe tend in a certain direction. The Born Again Christians are just as sure of their enlightenment as the Buddhists. So, I learn from both. The Evangelicals are as sure of the presence of Christ in their worship and their faithfulness to Jesus\’ commandments as the Roman Catholics in their Eucharist. So, I learn from both.

Be still and know…

Daniel Day 6 – Nazaritic Baptist

I am a John the Baptist Baptist. That is, I am a Nazarite. I want to be bare bones and intense with my vow: Shamelessly follow Jesus. No church has ever been as serious as I want to be, so I range around in the wilderness.

I wear the yoke of Christ in my heart and symbolically on my body. It is not the sissy brown scapular, but a home made burlap garmet with a cross crudely marked, front and back. I think my ego made this, but the Holy Spirit quickly took it up as a way to teach me what my ego is saying to keep me from God.

Since I found A Course in Miracles, most Christians would think me apostate. But I know I love Jesus, the living one. I seek healing of the Christ Consciousness which we all share. It would be for this that Jesus\’ gift touched me: For their sakes I sanctify myself, so that they (too) may be sanctified by (the) truth (John Ch 17). I have been to seminary and studied the Bible thoroughly. I agree with some scholars that perhaps only 20% is accurate; and that has traditionally been misinterpreted, especially by male church hierarchies who have their own agendas. I seek to integrate the Bible and ACIM. I know for sure the esoteric meanings are present and available in the Bible, known given a sustained practice of deep listening. Combined with ACIM, we have the instructions for being in Heaven, being one, realizing the inorganic wholeness of the Sonship.

Being apostate keeps me humble. Knowing Truth is without perception.

PS – one of the joys of this blog is that every now and then, I hear from someone. I love this. I don\’t usually post commonts because this blog is not really a discussion. But the ccomments are open because I like to read them.