The Bread of Life

The thing I want out of life, this life and all the others, is God. Like a salmon returning to spawn time after time, I came back here for another journey. 

Here is a new thought: maybe I hated my mother\’s womb because I knew that this life\’s journey was starting at spiritual rock bottom. I wasn\’t born into spiritual privilege; like having enlightened or philosophical parents. I wasn\’t born already half way up the mountain. I was born into alcoholism, co-dependence; the deepest pain and despair imaginable existed my family.

I looked at the DNA of pain and anger and hate. I felt the net of this pain full DNA settle in. I fought off the poisons of thalidomide and alcohol. Then I looked up. I saw that somehow I could climb out of this pit. Somehow I could find sunlight. I realized the energy it would take. Begrudgingly I said, \”Okay God. I\’ll do it.\”
When I left the convent, I was determined to be spouse to the Lord anyway. When I left The Church, I was determined to have communion anyway. Jesus said, \”I am the bread of life.\” He is teaching us something new. It is not to have communion but to be communion. DNA and bread of life are the same thing. Allow Life to eat you. Be consumed by Life. 
Feed every scrap of pain into the fire of your heart burning within. Let the fire of your heart burn you up. This is life. This is communion. This is to be The Way, The Truth and The Life. This is to follow Jesus and be his disciple. This is the imitation of Christ.
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Outrage Transformed to Prayer

I have been working on my psychological issues the past month or so. I\’ve made progress in becoming conscious of how co-dependence feels. Now that I know how it feels, I know when I am sinking into it and about to NEED remediation. Since I am now aware, the remediation doesn\’t have to be unconscious reacting but conscious self care.

And so, there is the topic of inner outrage. I\’ve been listening to it. As I ran this morning, this is what I thought. I think at some point as a toddler, I became outraged at being in a human body. I think all toddlers have this problem. But at some point later, I became outraged at what horrible parents I had. Outraged that had to be turned inward, since I had no place to go. I came squirting out of my family with a diagnosis of PTSD. But, unconscious of how that was affecting me.

And, throughout my life, I\’ve looked out at the world and been outraged at the other humans. Very few of the humans were worthy of respect. Then sometimes I got caught. Some individual human became a parent figure and I began to live my life before them as a child. I was trying to do what I could to get their positive attention; then feeling massively bad if that didn\’t happen, or worse, criticized. Then, damage control kicked in with even greater attempts at approval. Hyper-vigilant is what I realize I am. Forever looking out for danger and enacting protective mechanisms of various sorts.

So, I can see this in my life now. And now, I am conscious of it. So I want to be free. I want to be me, the real me, not some doll that only lives to dance before others.

What do \”I\” want? What would I say if I wasn\’t reading it from a book? I asked this in my meditation this morning. I then remembered, I want to live a life of prayer. Then I thought about how I need to consciously make everything I do part of the prayer. It seemed possible. To live a life of prayer is what I call spiritual. Not saying words and asking God for things. More like awareness of the partnership, the communion.