The Bread of Life

The thing I want out of life, this life and all the others, is God. Like a salmon returning to spawn time after time, I came back here for another journey. 

Here is a new thought: maybe I hated my mother\’s womb because I knew that this life\’s journey was starting at spiritual rock bottom. I wasn\’t born into spiritual privilege; like having enlightened or philosophical parents. I wasn\’t born already half way up the mountain. I was born into alcoholism, co-dependence; the deepest pain and despair imaginable existed my family.

I looked at the DNA of pain and anger and hate. I felt the net of this pain full DNA settle in. I fought off the poisons of thalidomide and alcohol. Then I looked up. I saw that somehow I could climb out of this pit. Somehow I could find sunlight. I realized the energy it would take. Begrudgingly I said, \”Okay God. I\’ll do it.\”

When I left the convent, I was determined to be spouse to the Lord anyway. When I left The Church, I was determined to have communion anyway. Jesus said, \”I am the bread of life.\” He is teaching us something new. It is not to have communion but to be communion. DNA and bread of life are the same thing. Allow Life to eat you. Be consumed by Life. 

Feed every scrap of pain into the fire of your heart burning within. Let the fire of your heart burn you up. This is life. This is communion. This is to be The Way, The Truth and The Life. This is to follow Jesus and be his disciple. This is the imitation of Christ.

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Early Morning Love

It is 6:15 am, and I didn’t go to Mass.

I need to reflect. As I sat here, I made the connection: with that Personality Non-physical. I look at and acknowledge my self-hate and other-fear which attempts to block this Inner Love. The Inner Love seeks my attention and connection. To find It, I still need first acknowledge and shine light on the shadows of hate and fear.

“Heaven is not a place nor a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect oneness, and the knowledge that there is nothing else; nothing outside this oneness, and nothing else within” (A Course in Miracles Text, 18.VI.1).

If I find my Inner Love, I know it is not exclusively mine, but all of ours. The knowledge that we share love brings me close to oneness, close to Heaven.

This is a brief little blog. Yet, the knowledge on the oneness may be all I need to get through the day without being in unconscious terror of the other people. That one little scrap of knowledge may save my bacon today. All the power of the universe lies in it. All Love lies in it. Without this little knowledge, maybe I’d have to kill myself.

I guess I pursue God for this reason: without Him, I\’d have to kill myself. Becoming aware of this inner connection is communion and I desperately need it.

I also had a wonderful 50 minute run under a slightly drippy sky, with lightening flashes. I was wearing my yellow \”Live Strong\” jacket. I felt good.

Inner Communion

I was filled with this idea this morning. I was pondering because: since I started going to early morning Mass, I created a lady who now expects me to be there and says something if I don’t go. In terms of A Course in Miracles, she is a perfect projection of my ego and it\’s guilt. But, her interest in me has ruined my ability to make a free choice because part of my brain, my ego, has to figure her into the decision: should I rebel or not? Come to think of it, I rebel against almost everyone who expects me to show up at their thing and tries to guilt me into it.

This morning, I realized I needed inner communion no matter what. If I didn’t have that, no outer communion (Mass) has any meaning. I start my inner communion in silence, mental and physical. I wait and look inward. This worked to bring me peace and a connection with truth instead of illusion.

I went for a short run in the cool dark. I am a city road runner now. I crunch over glass and kick other unseen debris. I wear a ball cap in order to shade my eyes from head lights. I have the orange reflective vest. I am still an unidentified phenomenon flowing through public areas.

After the run and shower and making my green smoothie for work, I had plenty of time to get to the church 25 minutes early and settle down for additional inner communion. I did that. I noticed that the first word I said today was “Amen.” It is now almost 8 am and I still have not said anything other than liturgical language.

I am still in inner communion.