Monday. I woke up. Then, I snoozed until the alarm. Then, I sat in the darkness thinking about my stupid life. I felt my bleakness. Again, I don\’t love going to work and there seems no point to my life. These are my first thoughts.

I went downstairs. I began to plow through Plotinus Enneads 1.4.6. My mind was dragged out of its gutter into the realm of inspiration. I so get it that this world holds nothing for me. Yes I have creature comforts with a minimum of distraction, but these are not happiness. But turning toward the spiritual I do feel that higher sense and I feel the contentment in communion with It, Being, as the thing of my life I want.

So, the activity of spiritual study could be the only thing which keeps me alive. Life. I am depressed if I don\’t look up.

On Friday I jogged 8.5 miles in 2h07.
On Saturday, I jogged 4.1 miles plus a bunch of machine aerobics.
On Sunday I jogged 9.3 miles in 2h12.

Not bad for someone who had achilles surgery on September 24, 2013, was non-weight-bearing for 6 weeks, and dealt with more pain and difficulty walking for a few more weeks. But, exercise does bring me endorphins; which I seem to need for well being.


Of Depression…

…or at least the tendency.

I\’ve had a suckish attitude for a few days. My ability to get along has suffered. But some things have become a little clearer.

1.  I\’ve been in Texas about a year and a half, and in the same job position for a year and a half. But I\’ve always been a bit of a rolling stone. So, now is when I\’d usually try to move on. But, I\’ve recently passed up 2 offers to move on. I\’m here now as far as I can see. So, it occurred to me this morning that one way I\’ve combated depression is to keep moving. I didn\’t have to face bleakness if I was on the go; always starting over.

2.  Another thing I do about depression is make endorphins. So exercise becomes mandatory for me as mental therapy. Due to job pressures however, there is always a time conflict. This conflict gets worse the longer I stay in one job.

3.  As a Course in Miracles student however, I hear my Self asking my self, \”Why?\” as in, \”you know this is not true and it is not necessary to pay any attention at all.\” Depression does not really exist but we habitually create it as a form of specialness or fear. To \”accept Atonement for myself\” is the heart of what I need to do right now.

4.  Boy, I have to give 3 presentations the second week of April. None of the 3 are close to ready and I don\’t want to do any of it. I\’m really afraid of the Germans who will be here for the meetings; and how inferior I feel at the moment.

5.  But I have a 3 day weekend. I have time for miles and miles. I\’m not going to any races, just do my private marathons.


Running Mania is still lost to me. The webmaster has not replied. I still don\’t know why I can\’t get into that web page. I miss them.

Where do I start with everything else? Yesterday I had a vision. Today I felt depression. I do somewhat deserve to be raked over the coals. You should say, \”Spirit Flower, it has only been three days since surgery. Of course that incision hurts if you try to bend your arm too much.\”

Let me go back to yesterday\’s vision. Early in the morning, as I drove the 30 miles to a nearby town to get my organic groceries, I heard an interview with the author of a book about Tiger Woods. His point was that he had experienced failure in his career, and decided to follow Tiger around for his 2008 season to see what he could learn from a winner. By 10 am, I suddenly had that book in my hands and I rushed home to begin reading it.

I read for a little bit and then got up to vacuum the living room. I happened to remember to check the bag and decided to change it. Within a few minutes, I had deftly installed a new bag, using only one arm. I vacuumed, and then laid back down with the book. One of the first things that struck me was an INTUITIVE vision. In the book, it talked about the crowds of people who cheer for Tiger. I suddenly had an INTUITIVE vision of angels and spirit guides and all the host of heaven surrounding me and cheering me on. My victory was that I had not ignored the thought to change my vacuum cleaner bag; instead taking action. The main thing that differentiated me from thousands of people was that I did not ignore the intuitive information. Tiger and his adoring fans had provided a symbol that my intuitive spirit had jumped all over; and which I had not ignored. The whole host of heaven loves me, cares for me and goes wild with joy every time I manage to get off the bed. That I can think like this at all is a major victory for spiritual work. I\’ll never be a world class golfer, or runner, or engineer; but as a spiritual practitioner, I definitely do the work of a world class mystic.

The secret of my soul\’s being is found in this little thing: I changed the vacuum cleaner bag.

Now today, I got up at 5, did my morning spiritual study and went to Kansas City for an 8 am mass, which I left early in order to run 5 miles before a 10 am fellowship meeting. Then, I came home and continued to read the Tiger Woods book. For whatever reason, I was thinking about the large supply of drugs I have in the house. I had a bunch of pain killers left over from last March, but still took a prescription for another bottle. I did not get the pain killers for pain or even addiction but because I think I may want to kill myself some day. Don\’t be alarmed. I\’ve thought this for most of my life.

I am alive today mainly because I did not decide to kill myself. I have no reason to be alive or to kill myself; unless I believe some theological notion I read in a book that says, \”I\’m here learning how not to come back,\” or \”I\’m here because I know the secret and I\’m helping everyone else.\” It is possible I\’m alive because it is not up to me; but up to my inner source. I last went through this life or death decision making process last June. At that time, I concluded that my life was optional but that I had decided to make the most of it.

Now here I am reading about Tiger Woods and thinking about how I have no reason to live. I have enough drugs in the house to kill myself. I have enough running shoes in the house for about 9 months. I have enough fruits and vegetables in the house for a week. I go to work to earn a paycheck, not because of any thrilling accomplishments. Even if I was as successful as Tiger Woods, I don\’t think I\’d want to stay alive just to either win another tournament or to get another multi-million dollar paycheck.

I sense the heavenly host surrounding me. They are holding their breath and crossing their fingers. What will be the outcome of my current introspection? I won\’t decide to take some old men\’s word for it and adopt the Church\’s catechism as my reason for being. I tried that already. I won\’t decide to get involved with service work. I tried that already too. Will I stay alive \”just because,\” and continue to live a meaningless existence? Or will I throw my heart over the bar and continue my spiritual work?

I choose the latter: hope or faith. I might spend the next 6 weeks wondering why I am alive. It is awesome to me that I even allow myself to consider the question consciously. For now, I drank a cup of coffee and went out on the back porch to ride the exercise cycle, walk on the treadmill and then lay on the living room floor to do 150 abdominals. After that, I make some fresh juice. All seems fine. The question is shunted aside for now.

The Heavenly Host ROARS!!!!!!!!!! Cheering out the wazoo.


Well, well, well. So what, so what, so what.

\”…the Call to awake is within you.\”

Jesus said we would take my fear inventory. Yesterday, I revisited the old fear that I am well familiar with: fear of others. I fear others. Maybe they will take my money, my security, my self esteem; and leave me hurt or struggling. My life has been about defending myself from \”them.\” My ego firmly states, \”They are my problem.\” On an intellectual level, I know my perception is my problem and I am responsible for it. I am the one that projected this world and I am the one that chose what I see.

\”…the Call to awake…\”

This morning, I sat at my table. Along with various memories, I was silently praying the name of Jesus. I realized that I was praying out of unhappiness and anger. The prayer was unconscious of fear; until…I pictured my self walking in blackness, the ego on the one hand with its anger. On the other hand was an unknown darkness: love and joy. At first thought I was walking a between land, then it became clear to me that the between land was really terror. I am terrified.

\”…the Call…\”

I realize my world projection is a movie of my terror. I live in an ego straight jacket. What is joy? Spirituality maybe brought me flashes of joy or love. Trying to live as I observe makes most others happy only brings me hate and disappointment. Religions (including the ACIM Text) make all sorts of promises of love and joy. I never have got that.

\”…the Call…\”

So, yes, I am sitting here in darkness today. I\’ve clearly been told that this is my choice and that Jesus is leading me out and it is not really reality anyway. Again I pray, \”Please help me.\”



I am wandering in a corridor of time. The corridor has various rooms which can be entered. When I was younger, I went into various rooms. Some were called \”successful career,\” \”Harley Davidson,\” \”monastery,\” \”somebody\’s girlfriend,\” or \”be somebody.\” Many people go in these rooms, find they like them and stay there. I never became satisfied with any of these rooms. Now I view them as forms of unconsciousness, mind-numbing entertainment. Now I view unconsciousness as a hinderance or a jail for growth of the mind.

But, if you refuse these rooms of entertainment, you are left with a corridor of nothing. I am not involved in anything. Sure, I go to work everyday and have a few other activities; but my time is often spent staring at nothing. I listen to silence. I don\’t relieve boredom by shopping, eating, reading, talking on the phone, TV or even internet surfing. I just let the time go by with as empty a mind as possible. Time goes past. I have ceased accomplishing anything.

I have reached the heights of human experience. This is it: nothing, silence, waiting, wandering an endless corridor of sameness. No one knows what love is.

I am not bound to the world. What a remarkable thing that is. Yet, I do not know what I am. I cannot translate the condition of freedom into words (as yet).