Early Morning Run

Its 84F/29C and 74% humidity outside. While Missouri summers are bad, they are nothing like a Houston summer. I haven\’t worn a shirt for my early morning runs for several weeks. I just put the reflector vest over my sports bra.

This morning, I was just doing low impact walk/jog for 80 minutes. I was happy to make it out of bed on time and consequently have time for a long meditative session outside.

I disagree with Uptal\’s Perfection Journey blog today. He says, \”Not coming [to the 3,100 Mile Race] means a summer safely removed from intense  physical suffering but also one in which true inner satisfaction and self fulfillment  is almost entirely eliminated as well.\”  ( http://perfectionjourney.org/2012/06/26/june-26-my-choice/  )

I spend much time contemplating self transcendence. For me, it is over coming the daily ego sludge which tries to stop me at every turn. By ego, I mean the definition from A Course in Miracles; which is the separation belief which made this delusion of a world. True inner satisfaction comes from overlooking the ego thought system and seeing the truth beyond. Some people need to run 3,100 miles to have this. Others of us need only get out of bed and sit in a chair.

For myself, it is not only getting out of bed, but working happily in a chemical plant with colleagues from around the world.

I\’ve been in Texas 8 months. Yesterday, I was talking on the phone and I noticed that I said fahve instead of five (5), twice. In fact, I can\’t say it northern anymore.

This morning, after entering my weight into Livestrong.com tracker, I noticed I weigh exactly the same as I did in January. To keep from gaining weight is a struggle in this American food culture. It takes massive exercise and continuous dieting.

Eat and Run

From http://www.weightymatters.ca/2012/06/coca-colas-chief-scientific-officers.html

Honestly, I usually intake 2,200 kcal/day. That is not that much below the average. I could be gaining weight just like everyone else; except I exercise 2 hours a ,and barely stay ahead of weight increases. For weight maintenance, for me, it doesn\’t matter if its any particular type of food. Too many calories is too many calories no matter how healthy.

I eat healthy but too much.

Being a solitary in silence at home, I notice more thoughts than people distracted with others in their household or constant media input (TV on all the time). So when I pack my lunch in the morning, trying to decide what food to bring to last for 10 hours, I feel the fear of starving. No really.

There is no chance I will starve anytime soon, but the fear of not having food ready to hand does exist in my brain. It is an amazing thing to understand.

It s not just a fear of starvation. It is a need for satisfaction. Sitting quietly in an office, I can feel its ongoing urge. But no reasonable amount of food will ever fill this need. All the reasonable amount of food is gone before I ever know it.

There is never a happy lets stop now. I may force a stopping point after eating all the food and looking for more. The feeling of full lasts briefly. As soon as there is an iota of room inside, I eat. I try a piece of sugar free gum for temporary relief.

Do you realize how strong is this programming and how powerless over it, especially if unconscious of it.

I also realize that my brain is not capable of eating less. I can shift around what I eat; but the ability to not eat is not within my current synapse logic prose.

LSD Paradigm

I live my life off the map, out of the box; in a new paradigm.

I think a 20+ mile run every weekend is normal. I\’ve been doing it for months if not years. I think running 50+ miles a week is normal. I\’ve signed up for a 24 hour race. This idea is within my paradigm; but so outside most other people\’s conceptions.

I am what is called a vegan; but I what I will actually put in my mouth is not what other people will put in their mouths. What I think is food and what others think is food are 2 different things.

I work as a process safety engineer at a plant where we will actually die if that stuff gets out or that other stuff explodes.

I\’m single for life. No relationships and one real friend. I have no plans to work on relationships. I\’m also not a property owner; but I do own a hybrid vehicle.

I am a student of A Course in Miracles. Most people won\’t read 669 pages of fine print let alone do the work to study and digest the material over a period of years.

I gave up peanut butter on January 1st and still haven\’t had any (but that might change). On January 22, the trainer at work gave me some suggestions about calorie counting and simple versus complex carbohydrates. I have a detailed spreadsheet for daily tracking. The weight has flown off and I am ready for more running.

Check out the weight chart:

To truly lighten and allow love to shine through the running; running cannot be an attempt to achieve anything other than truth, that inner constancy of spirit.

That said, the silly 24 hour race on a 1 mile bike path I signed up for in March is an attempt to just be at the most elemental level possible for me. Self transcendence is what I call this and self transcendence is what I hope to achieve in everything.

The Runner\’s Diet

What a great thing it is to go running. What a great thing it is to dream of the glory of finishing marathons. I have no life other than that of the runner. Yes, very deprived. It has mainly been that way for 30 years.I do not train for a marathon and then go back to less after the race is over. I like to think on any given weekend, I could run 26 miles. I do the weekly long run because I want to, not because of some training schedule. The marathon is not something to train for; but something to be. I don\’t just go in marathons. I am them.

My existence as a marathoner is the most difficult thing to explain to anyone; particularly non-runners.

I used to feel guilty for being a runner because I was in such better shape than everyone else; I thought I had somehow stolen health and fitness from the social system. I used to feel ashamed of being a runner because I really am not beneficial for society. I use up resources, expend energy with no tangible benefits to society or production of good, I consume Chinese manufactured shoes and gortex suits. I take up space on the planet, use it resources, contribute nothing and so on.

But now, I no longer feel the guilt or shame. I am just a runner and I have nothing to prove. Nothing to win. Nothing to achieve. The most exciting thing is the finely chiseled abdomen appearing in my mid section as I work diligently on core exercises and weight loss.

In January, in order to support my running, I launched into a weight loss program. I wanted to lose about 3 pounds in time for marathon season. I gave up my precious peanut butter and a couple of other dainties. My weekly weight fluctuation moderated. It used to peak as high as 137 pounds. Post peanut butter, the peaks were in the 134 pound area, but my average weight stabilized at 133 pounds. The weekly fluctuations continued and were maddening.

Last Friday, I met with the trainer at work. She looked at my diet and made some suggestions about shifting away from simple carbohydrates to complex ones; as well as calculating the calories differently. Already, it looks like my weight has lowered and is not ramping up like it has before. Below is a graph. The blue line is the daily weight; with the weekly low occurring on the day after my long run (usually 20 or so miles). The red line is a 7 day rolling average. The yellow line shows the day the transition happened.

Prayer

I started reading \”The Song of Prayer,\” a supplement to A Course in Miracles. Here are a few excerpts:

  • Prayer is the greatest gift with which God blessed His Son at his creation.
  • The love they share is what all prayer will be throughout eternity…
  • In true prayer you hear only the song.
  • The secret of true prayer is to forget the things you think you need.
  • Prayer is a way offered by the Holy Spirit to reach God. It is not merely a question or an entreaty. It cannot succeed until you realize that it asks for nothing. How else could it serve its purpose? It is impossible to pray for idols and hope to reach God. True prayer must avoid the pitfall of asking to entreat. Ask, rather, to receive what is already given; to accept what is already there.
  • Prayer is an offering; a giving up of yourself to be at one with Love. There is nothing to ask because there is nothing left to want. That nothingness becomes the altar of God. It disappears in Him.
  • Prayer is a stepping aside; a letting go, a quiet time of listening and loving. It should not be confused with supplication of any kind, because it is a way of remembering your holiness.
  • One who has realized the goodness of God prays without fear. And one who prays without fear cannot but reach Him.
  • Prayer has no beginning and no end. It is a part of life. But it does change in form, and grow with learning until it reaches its formless state, and fuses into total communication with God. In its asking form it need not, and often does not, make appeal to God, or even involve belief in Him.
  • And prayer is as continual as life. Everyone prays without ceasing.

Such beautiful phrases. They speak to why I am devoted to silent contemplation. I experience the peace of God and listen to the song, asking only for communion.

I also read \”The God Virus\” last night. The God virus is really about the infection of religion into our psyches and lives and encourages investigating the hidden programming of religion, the logic of it and deciding for yourself how you want to live. It is somewhat amazing to see the many control tactics of religion and how similiar they are between all religions including Christianity, eastern religions and Islamic sects.

I know I want to be just a spirit. To be this, I give up attachment to other labels. I reduce the number of labels my ego seeks pride in. I get up in the morning and walk with God. I stop projecting negativity onto others and seek to see only that others are spirit too.

In this process, I take my inventory. I see what I am thinking and see what I can let go of. Yes, I believe there is more to me than a selfish ego. The something more is accessed intuitively or through listening to thoughts that seem non-ego based.

I am in a time of quiet and contemplation. All books give instructions about how you should be. I tend to judge myself to see if I measure up. Since I last finished the text for ACIM, I\’ve let the written words rest. Now, I choose to listen directly to the Spirit for messages about my own spirit-hood. It is time to rest from judgment and let myself be love. It is time to have no opinions about what happens in my daily life but work with Spirit on becoming solely spirit.

On the other hand, my trainer is helping me work on my diet. My daily investigation of what I eat and the proportion of protein to carbs to fat, plus the proportion of complex carbs to simple carbs, is a whole new world for me. My spread sheet has expanded. It is working however as my weekly low is about half a pound lower than last week. I am trying to lose 3 pounds in preparation for marathon season. Perhaps this is also religion.

I did my long run yesterday. I have already run 50 miles this week. Today will be a weight lifting session and a short run: about 10 miles, or maybe only 8. We\’ll see. Now, I need to switch computers and do some work work.

Friday LSD

Why do some people do ridiculous LSD for no reason? I would like to be philosophical here, but I am brain dead at the moment.

Run today, low impact jogging with a little walking, 70F temps with south wind and 100% humidity, started in the dark at 5 am, 4 hours and 15 minutes (about 20 mi), 4 Gu, 2 S-caps, 60 oz (2L) of water. No wildlife.

My head was spinning most of the time with job possibilities. After about an hour I came up with my prayer: How may I best serve YOU?

Came home, showered, got the ice on a couple of spots, and immediately had an hour long phone interview.

Been on a diet for a week and lost 5 lbs (at 133 this morning), though much of that must have been water. Below is my chart. Explanation of the chart: I normalized things to get everything on one chart. Calories = calories/100. Minutes of exercise = minutes/10. Weight = lbs – 130.