Throwing My Heart into It

From AA\’s Big Book we get: What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

I think that\’s why I never drank again: spirituality is my daily reprieve.

During my morning workout, I was as usual thinking about my life. I think about how Americans think they are entitled to greatness and the pursuit of happiness. For most folks, that means buying a sports star t-shirt and eating or drinking alot while lolling on the couch in front of the TV; while the big doolie pickup sits in the driveway.

I\’m not being negative about others. Merely expressing my American mental outlook. I don\’t have a doolie, but I do struggle with the satisfaction of my life and I think I struggle with unhappiness merely because I was programmed with inalienable rights. I struggle with the reality that I am a well off but basically run of the mill human being who will never be \”great\”. I feel that some of my obstinate and arrogant spiritual quest has been let go of. I could blame other people or situations for my seeming failure. But it is really an ego failure not a metaphysical failure.

I\’ve always felt a friction between my athletic life and my normal person life. As I rode the elliptical this morning, I decided \”to hell with it.\” If I want to pursue fitness then god dammit I will. Eff the other people who tease me. And I can take the same attitude spiritually. I have to work for a living, not hang around a convent appearing holy. We are all holy.

My heel is not swollen today. Cool. That means: there will be miles.

I can throw my heart into these things and my judges be damned. There does not need to be a goal; just if I want to put effort into it then fine. I\’m not a failure if I put my heart in it.

Do I have judges? Just the little comments people make about me, to my face even. I feel the friction.

I suppose this blog is an expression of impending change. Maybe next week I\’ll hear from management about where I\’m to be assigned.

I am tending more and more to balk at race entry fees. It seems that my private athletic events will be more and more my norm.

The 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence race begins in 8 days. I can hardly wait. I love following it.

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