Really Good Day

Last night, after living with the reality of \”not going 50k\” and a very insightful AA meeting, I was meditating on my bed as a last thing before going to sleep. I had the thought: If I had finished the race, my ego would have won.

Then I slept really good and really long, not getting up til 7:30.

Then I came down and was studying chapter 4 of ACIM, \”The Illusions of the Ego.\” The ego defined in ACIM is not the same as the one Freud or other psychologists define. It is merely a part of my belief system. In the text, it is defined numerous ways. The one I read this morning said, \”The ego and the spirit do not know each other. The separated mind cannot maintain the separation except by dissociating. Having done this, it denies all truly natural impulses, not because the ego is a separate thing, but because you want to believe that you are. The ego is a device for maintaining this belief, but it is still only your decision to use the device that enables it to endure.\”

And then further down it says, \”You are asked to live so as to demonstrate that you are not an ego…\”

OMG! Yesterday was Mission Accomplished. Bingo!

Then, I put on the Mizunos. They felt really good so I decided to go to Meador Park and walk. I was able to painlessly do my 4.2 mph jog/walk with not problem and finished 18 miles.

For today\’s miles, I practiced a mantra in time with my footsteps: You are asked to live….so as to demonstrate….that you are not an ego….again. The miles became a meditation.

This gave me time to realize lessons learned. My left heel is a mess and no surgeon can fix it. But if I treat it gently, I can go for miles and miles. I can cover 50 miles in 12 hours if I want. I can do a marathon in 6 or so hours each and every day. But the trail yesterday, with its roots and little up and downs, was killing my achilles.

I would also like to add, of the hundreds of race reports of ultra runners which I\’ve read, the non-elite 100 mile finisher spends between 30 and 50 miles in miserable pain. That is why I don\’t do it. Misery is of the ego. Joy is of the spirit.

So today went really really well. I came home and got the bicep lifts and core done. I amy do a little elliptical later. Additional Succeed Clip2 is ordered for my next debacle: my first double marathon in 3 weeks.

This week: 18 hours, 45 miles and 5 strength sessions.

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Free Will

Today was yet another attempt to practice anti-socialization, anti-dopamine reward cycle, ongoing attempt to break out of a society affected behavioral prison. Downward mobility in action.

Either I had a nice 16 mile trail run in a forest which I get to write in my log; and which I sensibly stopped when it seemed like I was damaging my left achilles. Good girl.

Or I am a failure because it was a 50k race which I didn\’t finish. The volunteers were disappointed and I have no medal to hang on my wall. Bad girl.

I came home and showered and laid on the bed. I decided not to make up a story about whether I was in enough pain to justify quitting. I decided just to feel my brain struggle to make excuses so I wouldn\’t get in trouble. With who? The Mommy and Daddy who live in my head.

After a nap, I picked up my neurophilosophy book \”Brain Wise\” and began to read. I read that most of us don\’t really have control over the choices and behaviors we exhibit. In fact, it takes an incredible act of self will to quit a race. In the ultra marathon economy, people keep going despite severe pain. Quitting as I did today is completely against the rules. Quitting goes against the ultra marathon tribe. Quitting makes visible the illusion: pushing thru the pain is good.

I know this because, now, several hours later, I\’d say that there\’s nothing wrong with me a little NSAID won\’t fix. I\’ll be out there doing miles tomorrow. In my personal, non-dopamine reward economy, doing miles tomorrow takes priority over pleasing society today.

I\’ll hang my number (a white piece of tyvek with a 5 printed on it, nothing else) on the wall with the other medals and count it a neurophilosophical victory.

Fighting to have free will, I also made choices at work this week which didn\’t please Mommy or Daddy. One was I intentionally avoided kissing up to a high level manager. Another was I asked to start working a 9/80 ¬†schedule and take every other Friday off. My boss (Daddy) miraculously approved the request but did grumble some. See, most of our department works many hours every week but don\’t take the Friday off. Other departments, everyone is taking the Friday off, engineers and mid-level managers included. So I decided to join that group.

It is perhaps a change of life struggle, but I must go through it. I insist on being who I really am before I die.

Hog\’s Hunt Prelude – Friday AM

To start, here is a beautiful picture from some place in Colorado stolen from Journey to Badwater blog,

I just cancelled the hotel reservation I had for some roadside inn near Huntsville. I did this because I wanted to relax at home and in my own bed tonight. I thought I would hate being in some degraded cheap hotel room. And I can make green smoothies this evening to have something for after the race tomorrow.

But here is the surprise. As I clicked cancel, I realized that I made that reservation in the first place because I think I am getting too old to get up and 2:45 am, drive 100 miles and run 31 miles.

But thinking I am old, and acting that way is the key revelation here. If I start that now, I\’m sunk. Yes, some crummy issues are going on in my body; but I could see these differently. I don\’t have to add \”old age\” as the hidden issue behind all my decisions.

A Course in Miracles chapter 4: \”Let the Holy One shine on you in peace, knowing this and only this must be.\”

Now, I\’m going to do an easy workout. Then go to work. I just donned my hachi maki, which says \”Spirit Warrior\” in Japanese (fighting spirit in picture). Now I feel strong, decisive, ready.

Unshakeable

HIS unshakeable being to be exact. I ran across those words in ACIM text this morning. Somehow, I thought, \”The only way to keep my life from being a shambles is to join a Higher Power, The Substrate, Unshakeable Being.\”

So, I:
1. open my thoughts to this Self.
2. surrender to this Self.
3. look beyond (ACIM forgiveness).

Well, I am writing this blog right now as I find myself totally entheusiastic about my race this weekend. That is because my heel does not hurt right now. Gahhh! When I feel good, I dream so much. Wow, I can hardly wait: 50k in a forest. Love it! I\’ve spent so much time being worried about this race; only to find that I feel good today.

I burned 720 calories on the elliptic and stationary bike this morning; then went for a 4 mile run outside. And I don\’t hurt. If I could just keep things like that.