Yes, I would like to fall on my kness and be in abject awe of The Divine.

I don\’t do it by sitting in front of a piece of bread. Just the thought \”Adoration\” causes me to pause. And then contemplation springs up. Contemplation of anything.

Yes, contemplation of Jesus crucified is a worthy image. Be silent when you do this. Do not repeat to yourself anything you may have read in the Bible or in church.


So Powerful

I\’m talking about Lesson 169 (below).

But first: As I was driving home this afternoon, I thought, \”A person could make an entire spirituality just from the name of Jesus.\” And I say, entirely separate from any current religion or the Bible. Just say the name.

And then, I noticed I was feeling good, like everything was alright.

I came home and snarfed down a salad. Now I am having coffee with York Peppermint creamer. I just looked at Lesson 169, getting ready for my evening workout. After I put this chant together, I thought, \”So powerful.\”

By grace I live. By grace I am released.
Grace is acceptance of the Love of God.
We say \”God is\” and then we cease to speak.

A Moment in Christ

I love Jesus.

This single clear thought struck my mind this evening as I stood in my kitchen.

It is a daring bold moment of clarity. I\’m not even going to justify which Jesus or whose Jesus. Just Jesus period.

This was after I came down from laying on my bed and pondering my latest creation from lesson 165.

Let not my mind deny the Thought of God.
Heaven is mine today but for the asking.
Now is Christ\’s power _ _ in my mind.
My doubts are meaningless. God is certain.
I count on God and not upon myself.

This was after a bit of lunch.
This was after visiting the tax preparer.
This was after a green smoothie.
This was after the grocery store.
This was after a 16 mile run.
This was after spiritual study.
This was after getting up on time this morning.

My Sick Mind

Today, as usual, I went running. I wanted to run on the levy; thinking I could run where there wasn\’t much snow and more or less zone out for a few hours. But I found that the wind had blown foot tall drifts every 4 or 5 feet. Crunching through drifts is hard work and tedious running. After 2h15, I abruptly became disinterested and headed for the car, finishing my workout on the ex-machines.

After 40 min on the treadmill and 28 min on the nordic track, I had a startling relevation about the series of thoughts which had been in my mind. I was even astounded to see that this entire years of blogs is intent on one thing: selling you on the idea that I am spiritual, loved by God, and living a very interesting and worthwhile life while your life is stupid, unconscious and worldly.

It feels good to realize how sick my thinking is. and Jesus gives me a way out. If I admit the truth, he shines away the darkness with his light. Truly, I don\’t want to leave such insidious egotism festering in my sub-conscious.

In chapter 8 of A Course in Miracles text. Jesus makes some astounding offerings. Do I want what he offers? Jesus practically begs us to join him.

  • \”I am come as a light into a world that does deny itself everything…
  • I said that I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. That is why I am the light of the world. If I am with you in the loneliness of the world, the loneliness is gone…
  • If my light goes with you everywhere, you shine it away with me…
  • If you will accept the fact that I am with you, you are denying the world and accepting God…
  • My will is His, and your decision to hear me is the decision to hear His Voice and abide in His Will…
  • If you want to be like me I will help you, knowing that we are alike. If you want to be different, I will wait until you change your mind…
  • I can teach you, but only you can choose to listen to my teaching…
  • I will always remember you, and in my remembrance of you lies your remembrance of yourself. In our remembrance of each other lies our remembrance of God…
  • Let the Love of God shine upon you by your acceptance of me…
  • By joining your mind with mine you are signifying your awareness that the Will of God is one…
  • To join with me is to restore His power to you because we are sharing it. I offer you only the recognition of His power in you, but in that lies all truth…
  • When you unite with me you are uniting without the ego, because I have renounced the ego in myself …
  • Our union is therefore the way to renounce the ego in you. The truth in both of us is beyond the ego…
  • I go before you because I am beyond the ego. Reach, therefore, for my hand because you want to transcend the ego…
  • My strength will never be wanting, and if you choose to share it you will do so. I give it willingly and gladly…

Running Free

Today’s run was extraordinary. 23 miles in 4h00 (10.4 m/m).

It’s now 5:30 pm. I finished my run at 1:45. I did take some Aleve, but the achilles is not hurting hardley at all (and it usually does). For some reason, combined with my awesome Gobbler half-mary race, I think my running is finally purified.

In the monastery, I felt guilty for running, although I needed to in order to be sane as well as avoid weight gain. I felt guilty because running shoes and gear cost money; as well as it conflicted with community and prayer. Then, when I came out of the monastery, I continued to feel guilty; like running was still taking time from contemplation. And I felt like racing was a thing of ego grandiosity. Like the shiney medals and ag awards mattered only to self and not to Self. I also felt like running was sort of a way of cheating God out of power over me (like the give and take of injuries, and increased health, were defeating God\’s old age decrepitude syndrome).

Today’s run, I was repeating a prayer, “Father, in Jesus’ name remind me of (pause) Your love for me and my love for You.” And then I just ran. Gu every 45 min with about 3 oz of water. It was a mostly warm day but very windy. What if somehow running is a talent God gave? I’ve always dis-ed it because I am really not that fast. But on a global scale (looking at all the 50 year old ladies around me), I am an awesome runner. So what if my prayer was answered today by releasing me from my running guilt?

During my vacation, I’ve been studying my spiritual book and reflecting on today and potential futures; and working out every day. There have been spiritual questions answered and my responses have been accepting of God’s gifts.

So now I say: running and racing are remembrances of His love for me and my love for Him. And Jesus must have been running at my side and whispering in my ear.

Solitude Explained

I am a solitary because I want time. I want time for spirituality and running. I say “solitary” because I have disengaged from society and individual relationships. As a result of sitting in long periods of silence and inactivity, facing my ego’s negativity, and exposing myself directly to spiritual intervention, my attitudes, ideas and opinions are differentiated from society; and becoming integrated with “something else” I call the COMPANION.

I want to live in deep embrace and partnership, one consciousness with the COMPANION. I have wanted this since I was 22. Seeking the oneness is why I’ve done everything else: daily spiritual study (for all those years), learned silent sitting, integrated running into the meditation, used wholistic food and fasting to attune my body to the COMPANION’s vibration pattern, disengaged from society (TV, entertainment, holidays, religion, politics, 12 Step groups, etc.), daily reflection and discussion with the COMPANION.

Ten years ago, I was removed from society totally by going to live in a monastic cloister, for almost 4 years. A Benedictine contemplative community is a group exercise, not solitude; but it does disconnect one from ordinary life.

Five years ago, I became a solitary by default as I lived and worked in the country. I was intentional about solitude and contemplation by this time. Alone for long periods of time, I had to consciously process guilt, hate, anger, shame and fear; or go back to society and avoid these emotions by being busy. Everybody has these but they are usually covered with busyness. We don\’t recognize that the routine frustrations are evidence of a mountain of hate lying just below the surface of consciousness. Solitude gives you knowledge of that mountain of negative ego emotion.

When you have stayed in solitude and processed the ego emotions for long enough, you become mentally different than the people who never did it; inhabiting a different world as it were. After some time of processing, it becomes impossible to go back. My worst problem with solitude is realizing that I am unable to rejoin society and no one wants for follow me into true embrace with the COMPANION. I’ve had people question why anyone would want to give up their life like this.

So, given the situation, I must find the COMPANION and fully enter His consciousness. To fully embrace and engage a spiritual life and spiritual world, I must fully let go of the ego world and ego emotions and any hope of finding satisfaction in anything other than the COMPANION. The COMPANION is with me always, but I must turn to Him and listen to His Voice; instead of looking back at society and listening to ego.

The COMPANION heals my guilt, hate, anger, shame and fear; if I give it to Him. I begin to live in a world of peace, joy and love, God’s reality. This new world is freedom from ego and reception of God’s gifts. My function becomes a) being an icon of God’s reality, b) projecting God’s reality and c) mirroring God’s reality.

The COMPANION has more to teach me. I am now an urban solitary, beginning a life of acceptance and faith in the COMPANION alone. My journey is still one of emptiness, inactivity and letting go of ego emotions.

Everyone has a path to oneness with the COMPANION. The COMPANION does not belong to me. Everyone walks their path and does their own work, whether they know it or not. The way out of the ego world is much quicker for those who intentionally engage in their process.

This morning, I got up at 6, did spiritual study for an hour (including writing this), cleaned the house, and sat down to type what I wrote. Now, I think it is almost time for running.

The Morning After Gratitude

Last evening I was so full of love, peace, gratitude. This morning, I had for Jesus a large ear full of how much I don\’t believe He is helping me. There was an even huger portion of how I am not good enough and nothing good will ever happen to me again. I told all this stuff to Jesus realizing they are ego thoughts and they are meaningless. The ego never happened so these thoughts never happened; but I think they happened so I talk to Jesus about them. These are thoughts which need healing; which means I need to let go of my ego and this ego world. I need to allow God\’s Love to return to me and believe in the divine light in me (and you); and let Jesus handle the details.

At one point, as I pondered the letting go of my ego thoughts and anger at God for not sending me what I want when I want it, I realized, I would rather die than be healed. I would rather stick to my ego and ignore/deny God\’s glory than open my eyes to It and be in awe of What It Is, which I am a part of and made by. Of course! My ego would die if I stopped believing it and instead believed totally in God\’s Love. My ego would rather have me kill myself than give it up. So I asked Jesus for a miracle, a change in my perception; a miracle of acceptance of love and of the truth about me. The ego fights Love very vociferously, pouncing on me whenever it thinks I might escape its prison. That is all that happened: I was aware of Love and my ego fought it.

It was a stormy morning here. It was still stormy at 5 so I did my meditation. At 6:15, it was still stormy and I was sleepy so I went back to bed. This idea must have been intuitive guidance because I had a meaningful dream and a loving dream. I rarely remember dreams. But this one was one of those gifts.

Then, I went for a 2 hour low impact jog. It was cloudy and cool, 72F. I said hi to Merry and a couple of others whose names I don\’t know. The park was very quiet. God was speaking in green trees and silence.

After my run, I thought, \”How do you know that there is anything to be worried about? Why do you think that everything is not being perfectly handled better than you can?\” I realized my message is to let go and let God. My message is to just follow the guidance. Trust Love.

This time of unemployment is one of intense spiritual and emotional growth; a gift. Now if I could just remember that. It is so habitual for me to think God is punishing me. There is no evidence God is punishing me. More likely I am punishing myself because I don\’t like myself. There is no evidence for not liking me; everyone else does. I still have more inner healing to do before I think I\’ll be ready to jump back into my profession.

I am love and I live in Love. I don\’t need any other thoughts.

The Gift of Freedom

I want to live in God and nowhere else.

I must go through life as a well loved Child of God and nothing else. Nothing but God can give me happiness.

From A Course in Miracles 8.IV.1-3:

  • If God’s Will for you is complete peace and joy, unless you experience only this you must be refusing to acknowledge His Will.
  • I (Jesus) am come as a light into a world that does deny itself everything. It does this simply by dissociating itself from everything.
  • I (Jesus) said that I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. That is why I am the light of the world. If I am with you in the loneliness of the world, the loneliness is gone. You cannot maintain the illusion of loneliness if you are not alone.
  • The world must therefore despise and reject me (Jesus), because the world is the belief that love is impossible.
  • If you will accept the fact that I (Jesus) am with you, you are denying the world and accepting God. My will is His, and your decision to hear me is the decision to hear His Voice and abide in His Will.

I love ACIM because it helps me live happy and joyous and loved. This Jesus is with me always, in real time, now. This Jesus is not safely in a box on an altar. He is with me now, shining his light in my thoughts, dispelling every resentment I give to him and filling me with joy. I live strong in Jesus. I walk with joy because Jesus has taught me how. My day sounds impossible, but since I walk with God and Jesus, nothing else matters. Since I walk with God and Jesus, my ego is powerless.

I am in love with Jesus. I have known this since being kicked out of the convent; but it has grown daily since then, over 5 years.

Ultra-retreat – 1

I got up with the alarm at 4. It is rainy today so I don’t know how the workouts will go.

Prayer for lesson 207: “God’s blessing shines upon me from within my heart, where He abides. I need but turn to Him, and every sorrow melts away, as I accept His boundless Love for me.”

From the Text (3.VII.5.5): “Your creation by God is the only Foundation that cannot be shaken, because the light is in it. Your starting point is truth and you must return to your Beginning.”

From the Text (4.I.4.6): If you are willing to renounce the role of guardian of your thought system and open it to me (Jesus), I will correct it very gently and lead you back to God.”

I realize that in undertaking an ultra-retreat, I am going against my ego. My ego is terrified of this and is fearfully shrieking about money. Jesus offers to teach me about Love, about my Beginning; if I am willing to let him. Money is my ball and chain. It is my anchor to thinking the world is real. I live in an ego fabrication where most people work because they think they need money and health insurance. Jesus offers a different world, the world of the spirit where these things are meaningless. Obviously, I don’t know how to live like that, but Jesus offers me a path.

In my ultra-retreat, I am at least giving Jesus a chance. My plan is to essentially un-make my prison and learn a better way. My ego offers terror. Jesus offers Love and escape from terror. The problem is that to follow Jesus, I have to give up my ego thought system. I am willing but I haven’t the ability without Jesus.

It is a self transcendence race.

Return to the Beginning: where I remembered God and lived only in His Love. Surrender to Jesus as my Teacher. Realize that God abides in my heart and spend the time in contemplation necessary to grasp the Great Reality which exists within.

There is a line of thunderstorm approaching my location. It will pass and so will my fear. God Love is the only true reality. It and He is the Beginning which I seek.

Probably more later.

The New Jesus Paradigm

From A Course in Miracles:
\”My mind gives the world meaning.\” \”What keeps the world in chains but my beliefs?\”

I am a Roman Catholic, formerly spent 4 years in a monastery, attended Catholic seminary, and am deeply conditioned by standard Catholic beliefs. The standard Christian teaching on atonement is the one I was originally taught: Jesus died for my sins. ACIM changes the meaning of this word, atonement, and how we are saved. Today, I put the ACIM concept of Atonement in my own words (which may or may not be accurate).

Most people blithely say Atonement according to ACIM means undoing; and it does. But here is more: Atonement is not a sacrificial offering of Jesus to God; but a joining with the living Christ (NOW) and sacrificing the ego belief system. The ego belief system is symbolized by the crucifixion story; a story of God needing an offering of His murdered Son before He will see us as sinless. The ego belief system summed up: anything that is not love or peace is ego. Sacrifice, meaning give up, means give up anything not love or peace. Because God is love, all I need to do is give up (sacrifice) my ego belief system in order to enter Heaven. Killing anyone or paying for anything has nothing to do with it.

I subscribe to ACIM because a) I get to keep the personal relationship to Jesus, the living Christ, that I have always had, and b) ACIM makes more sense to me if God is love instead of anger and punishment. I am willing to go through the process and the work of changing my beliefs in order to give the world a meaning of love and peace.