Psalm 103: \”Bless the Lord O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.\”

This morning, I didn\’t start my prayer time with much hope but ended it with deep love for Jesus and a total feeling of trusting intimacy, like I have for my elbow doctor (what could be more intimate and trusting than allowing someone to tear open your skin, chip and hack and drill; while you are asleep?).

Jesus was talking through ACIM. He said, \”The dynamics of the ego will be our lesson for awhile, for we must look first at this to see beyond it, since you have made it real. We will undo this error quietly together, and then look beyond it to truth.\” Imagine that you have a wise doctor who comes to see you each day (maybe someone who brought you back from the brink of suicide). You have had such a long relationship that you love him. Today he shows up and says, \”We are going to start going through your crap. I want you to see your source of fear. Your fear is not real; but you must look at it before you can look beyond it into the face of God. I will come and talk to you everyday about this for awhile. Honesty is intimacy. I know how your ego feels about this. But intimacy is also love and by now, you know how much I love you and you love me.\”

Jesus listed the type of thoughts the ego gives me. If I take my inventory and learn to recognize the ego\’s thoughts, I can give them to Jesus: wishful thinking…idle wishes…attacks (resentments against others)…feeling supercilious, unbelieving, emotionally shallow, callous, uninvolved, lighthearted, distant, desperate. Whatever seems to separate you from God is only fear. The ego doesn\’t really want you to understand your fear because you would find your fear is not real. So you listen to your ego and waste your time with idle wishes instead.

So, with an inner excitement and giddy trembling, I look forward to Jesus joining me for my daily and deep inventory \”for awhile.\” He will talk to me about my idle wishes and quietly we will approach my fear and undo it.

While I was in the monastery, one of the priests from the men\’s abbey befriended me by becoming my regular confessor. Once a week, he listened to my resentments, hatreds, shame and fears; then applied the healing balm of Reconciliation. Then, a mad man came into their abbey one day and started shooting any monk he saw. My confessor was shot but not killed. I was devestated. About three weeks later, my confessor was in the infirmary at his abbey and I had visited him a couple of times. He loved being a priest and he loved his priestly duties, but being tied to a sucking machine in the infirmary, he couldn\’t celebrate sacraments; which he very much wanted to do. He invited me to come back a week later and we would celebrate the sacrament of Reconciliation together. It felt like Jesus Himself had invited me to come and surrender to His love. I felt that Jesus was joyfully happy that I would show him my stuff and let him heal it. That is how I feel now today. Jesus has invited me to come into his heart and he is in mine.

If you are a recovering alcoholic with many years of sobriety, the number one threat to your sobriety is your ego. I urge you to take your inventory at deeper and more subtle levels. This will ensure not only not drinking, but the development of conscious contact and living sobriety as an art form.


Daniel Day 10

From ACIM this morning:

  • …you are the Will of God. His Will is not an idle wish…
  • What is joyful to you is painful to the ego.
  • Obey the Holy Spirit, and you will be giving up the ego…
  • …the relinquishment of your false decision-making prerogative…was accomplished for you by the Will of God…
  • The only way out of the error (separation from Heaven) is to decide that you do not have to decide anything. Everything has been given you by God\’s decision.
  • Sharing His Will with me (Jesus) is not optional…The whole separation (separation from Heaven) lies in this error.

A number of things seem to have \”gone wrong\” in my ego world. But we must remember that these things are of the ego world and have nothing to do with Heaven; or the fact that I really exist in heaven. Only the ego portion of my mind believes it exists in the ego world (that is the portion you are talking to now).

No matter what happens, I have decided to follow my Guide, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I have decided to dedicate my life only to Heaven, which is joy, rather than get wrapped up in what seems to be going wrong. Actually, this is a very big miracle perception shift. It means I am not as attached to the ego and am transferring my allegiance to Jesus and the Holy Spirit\’s thought system.

In the first chapter of Daniel (Old Testament), it says, \”Daniel determined that he would not defile himself by eating the king\’s food or drinking his wine…\” This quote is the essence of my Daniel Fast. The passage is symbolic. The king is my ego. The king\’s food is the ego\’s thought system. I am determined not to partake of the ego\’s thought system. A result of my fasting is that I now believe that I am in joy/Heaven all the time and anything else is an ego illusion. I get to choose, but I am also more believing in my choice for Jesus than I was before the fast. Things-going-wrong are always related to the ego. Who I really am, the Will of God, is never going wrong. I can accept the Holy Spirit\’s teaching and believe only joy/Heaven is true; the rest is ego delusion and not real. The ego delusion is a bad dream. Heaven is real.

Daniel Day 9

  • By accepting Atonement for yourself, you are deciding against the belief that you can be alone, thus dispelling the idea of separation and affirming your true identification with the whole Kingdom as literally part of you.
  • Be confident that you have never lost your Identity and the extensions which maintain It in wholeness and peace.

In my meditation this morning, I realized how my ego finds something wrong with every single person, place or thing. Then, having identified something wrong with that thing, my ego consents to participating in a socially acceptable relationship. This sort of realization is the sort of thing I take straight to Jesus and the Holy Spirit for healing. Wow! This total negativity is the consciousness in which I live. Thus, any happiness I ever feel is fleeting because my ego always goes ahead and finds problems; ruining any happiness.

Obviously, I need another consciousness. Obviously, I need joy instead of happiness. This change in perception would be a miracle. Changing this perception is what ACIM teaches. The Teacher of ACIM is the Holy Spirit.

Surrender….rely totally on God. I didn\’t do or get anything myself. It all came from God. Nothing of this world matters.

Daniel Day 5 (2)

My grandiose fasting fantasy: only water and silence this weekend (Y).

I asked the Holy Spirit if I should eat fruit (or not) with the briefest of thought prayers. Here is what I thought next:

OK, I just discovered an ego trick; actually, this is a revelation. This fantasy is, for me right now, an ego conflict. I never win if I fight my ego. I committed to X on day one of this fast (abstinance from certain foods and eating only certain foods, as Daniel in the Old Testament); but now, it seems like my ego has whispered Y (the fantasy of water and silence). My ego may also have said that if I could go all weekend with water and silence, I’ll be very holy and achieve something mysterious which I’ll call “more.” God’s call was for X. If I try Y (the desire for more), I’ll lose. I won’t be happy. If I entertain Y fantasies, then I’ll feel guilty for achieving X (because X isn\’t good enough for my ego). Trying to do more than X is my will. Wanting Y would separate me from God and His strength.

I actually do not want happiness; I want joy. Happiness sounds good and it is what my ego promises if I do Y. God already promised what I want through X. I’m sure that if I do X, I’ll get what I was seeking and that will bring joy. I’ve just proven that ego happiness is fleeting and forever just beyond my reach; but leading to guilty despair. Joy is deep and satisfying and reachable because it has the power of God behind it.

Relating this to ACIM, the ego’s whisper about Y is the same as the tiny mad idea. X is Heaven. I don’t need to suffer to have X. Listening to the ego and grasping the fantasy of Y produces the separation from God.

Fasting and silence are wonderful; and I will have the majority of time in silence this weekend. But, I should not skip my 12 step meeting in the name of egotistical holiness.