The Ego\’s Foundation

From ACIM:

\”…you have used the world to cover your love, and the deeper you go into the blackness of the ego\’s foundation, the closer you come to the Love that is hidden there.\”

\”For still deeper that the ego\’s foundation, and much stronger that it will ever be, is your intense and burning love for God and His for you. This is what you really want to hide.\”

As I type that second part, it occurs to me that getting a new job and moving would disrupt my ego; perhaps for just long enough to find a new way.

Confusion arises from my ego\’s fears: I do not yet know what I really am (a spirit) because I still have ego identification; perceptions, preconceived notions and prejudices. I felt these limitations today. I drove past the place where I am interviewing on Monday; and I drove past some new duplexes located where I thought I might want to live. I felt my opinions rising. It was impressive how I bumped into my own mental walls. If I get the job, I may just take it in order to break down my ego and experience its dark foundations (besides the money).

I want to find the Love and live in the Holy Spirit\’s thought system. I see I have more growing to do. I still grovel in the dirt of my ego. My littleness is impressive. I want to go deeper, beyond this meaningless ego world. Do I allow myself to feel my \”intense and burning love for God and His for me\” ? Not as deep as I want. It is not in doing but in silence that I go deeper.

Patience. Listening. Prayer: Jesus, please help me.

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Full Moon

This morning, I decided to run at 4:30. It was a full moon; windy but pretty warm. Other than the paper thrower, I saw no dogs or skunks or even the man with the 8 huge dogs. No matter where I\’ve ever lived, there is always a faithful paper thrower sharing my early morning solitude.

\”…He loves you, He will gladly teach you…He cannot let you forget your worth.\”

How many times have I heard, \”God loves you;\” and had no belief or connection to that reality. But for some reason this morning, the words \”He will gladly teach you\” struck home. I opened up to the possibility that I really am loved, valuable to God and The Holy Spirit does want to teach me: GLADLY. I have always thought I needed to surreptitiously steal either love or teaching; that no one would ever WANT to help me in any way. There is a Gospel story about a man who was kicked out of the wedding banquet because he didn\’t have the right garmet. I\’ve always believed God would some day notice that there was something wrong with me and kick me out.

But this morning, I allowed the thoughts to sink in and become believable: He gladly teaches me. He loves me. If I accept this truth, then I have accepted Atonement for myself. I\’ve accepted a loving Father who would never hold my errors against me, only teach me how to love.

I went on to read, \”The only thing of value in it (the ego world) is whatever part of it you look upon with love.\” My mind immediately flashed to the person at work I usually hate the most; except I was loving him. I saw that I looked beyond whatever mistakes he was making and saw the love in his heart. I thought of all the people at work and loved them all. What a great gift. What a great moment.

I am here at work. I\’m usually the only one here this early. One of my co-workers has come in early. When someone walks down the hall, I don\’t look up, but often give a sly glance out of the corner of my eye. My co-worker just caught me doing that and teased me about it! Kind of fun, huh? Another co-worker asked me to be in his Linkedln network. I sent him an e-mail teasing him because he said he trusted me. He replied, \”Very much.\”

Reflecting on Ego

Yesterday, I complained about church. This type of expression is actually my ego attacking other sons of God, the Sonship.

Last night, after sleeping two hours, I woke up and was awake for an hour. I couldn\’t figure out why last night. I was playing in my head a song from church about the God beyond all names. It is a haunting melody with a refrain that goes, \”in our living and our dying we are bringing you to birth.\” Last night, this bothered me because I don\’t agree with the theology of the statement.

This morning, as I did my spiritual reading and prayer, I was challenged to look directly at my church experience and try to find my own hatred and underlying fears. I had chosen to hate the service instead of love the Sonship. I chose and decided on judgment instead of thinking only love. Hate was predominant in my mind instead of love; by my choice.

Ok, hate was concealing love; but really, under hate is fear. What was I afraid of? What if I had loved instead of hated? I stopped thinking and waited, listening for the Holy Spirit to answer: I consistently chose hate because I am afraid to give up the original source of my hate, my first hate, the first decision to hate because I was afraid of God. I was afraid of God because I felt guilty. I thought I had shattered Heaven and made God angry.

Somehow, there was a tiny mad idea in the Mind of God. I, the Unified Sonship (before separation), somehow wanted what the tiny mad idea offered (specialness, autonomy from God) and I tried to \”remember not to laugh.\” One day, I remembered not to laugh and joined the tiny mad idea. This shattered the unity and I became fragmented into all these little pieces of individual minds. God immediately re-unified, but somehow, my consciousness remained in a dream illusion world; afraid of God and hating. But God/Love would never not forgive. Love always loves; that truth is what I try to dissociate from.

I am ready now to look at my original decision to be afraid of God. I offer it to the Holy Spirit for healing. If I choose love, I cannot hate. Love is scary because I loose my specialness. In church, I am just one of thousands of communicants. Being one of many makes my ego feel like part of a cattle drive or a slave covered in the muck of a pig pen. My ego is not special and hates it. I am afraid of being seen as \”one-of-them.\” In order to feel special, I attack the situation with my judgment. This consciousness is my vendetta against God. It is what conceals love and it is my decision.

I have to give up my vendetta against God; but sense how desperately my ego, the tiny mad idea, does not want to give up. My willingness to surrender, give up, is my acceptance of the Atonement (Redemption) that Jesus offers. Jesus will awaken me to Love.

I am responsible.

Silence and Love

In the Rule of Benedict, it says, \”…there are times when good words are to be left unsaid out of esteem for silence…so important is silence…the disciple is to be silent and listen.\”

I have been quiet here for only a couple of days. I sometimes think that any words I say are my ego talking. I am not talking about arrogance or pride; but the tiny mad idea that wanted God to treat it special. Since God doesn\’t treat anyone special, the tiny mad idea left God and created this ego world. The tiny mad idea got the power to do this because one day, the Son of God (all of us before we separated from God) remembered not to laugh at it. Pay attention, remembering not to laugh is different than forgetting to laugh. The tiny mad idea is symbolized by the serpent in the garden of Eden. But the ending of the story is not that God kicked us out of heaven; but that having attained an ego consciousness, we left heaven seeking the specialness not of God. The tiny mad idea became afraid of God and hid itself in this ego world.

I really should be quiet. None of this opinion is worth a hill of beans.

From ACIM:

• …accept only loving thoughts…
• …raise love to clear-cut unequivocal predominance…
• …fear\’s only purpose…to conceal love..

This morning, I got up at 4, did my prayer and meditation, got in the car at 5:30 to drive to the city, began a 3 hour run at 6:30, changed clothes in the car and tried to decide what to do. Instead of going to the fellowship, I went to Mass.

I have no idea why I ever go to the parish for Mass. I like the music, but the sermons seem to always be about money or politics. Today, after listening to a really long pre-Mass plea for money, I really considered leaving. I looked around for my God-mother; but low and behold, right behind me was someone else I knew. Now I was stuck. I suffered through a bunch of other time wasters like sending the kids out, sending the catechumins out, baptisms and a sermon on stewardship before I remembered that I had a card in my pocket with the above ACIM stuff written on it. I pulled it out and remembered to accept only loving thoughts.

I remembered that love was being concealed in my mind right before my eyes. \”Right before my eyes\” means literally, love was concealed in my mind, not out there. It is possible that the only reason I went to church was to see what my ego would say about it so that I could talk to Jesus and do something different with my mind. I was saved from continuing to be unconscious of my practice of concealing love from myself and everyone else.

After that, I shut my eyes and envisioned light. Light is all there really is. Light is love and light is Heaven and light is peace. Light is my responsibility.

Fear is the tiny mad idea. It works furiously to conceal love; and for the most part we let it, becoming unconscious of the whole process. We can instead remember to laugh. We can instead remember to deny power to the tiny mad idea, remember all power is of God, and remember this for everyone around us. \”Thus does the Holy Spirit replace fear with love…\” Laughing at the tiny mad idea is done consciously when I accept only loving thoughts.

Accepting only loving thoughts means I am no longer in a fight with God for specialness; and in silence, I slip back into Heaven.

Living Metaphysically, Accepting Love

From A Course in Miracles (ACIM):

• Do I want the problem or do I want the answer?
• …ask and you will receive.
• …you believe asking is taking…
• Ask to learn of the reality of your brother (Christ, Love), because this is what you will perceive in him, and you will see your beauty reflected in his.

This morning, as I reflected on the above, I started by asking Jesus what should I ask for. I felt anger at Jesus. I poured out my stuff. Then, I began to ask for what the ACIM Text (in several places) suggested I might ask for. I knew I was just parroting what the Text said to ask for; it wasn’t really from the depth of my being. I parroted because maybe that would keep me safe and I would “get” what was promised; even though I didn’t really want it or believe in it. Then, I pondered the world of takers and how I also am a taker. I pondered how I believe I need to take to survive and, living in fear, I hate “them” who take from me causing me to take from “them.” I prayed some more to Jesus. I wanted to get in touch with my fear of God. I began to list out my special hate relationships: specific people, groups of people. Eventually, the realization hit me: God is my Source; but I hate God because I believe I have to take from God in order to stay alive. Wow…wow…wow!

Now I could ask Jesus for help with something from my heart: I want to know my Source is pure love freely given and I want to freely love both back to Source and outward.

I did not yet know who the next president of the US is. I don’t myself vote. I hadn’t listened to the news last night. But, my time for prayer was over and it was time to turn on NPR and get the news. I turned on the radio and out came a symphony. For some reason, KCUR was not on the air. I listened to the symphony and started to chuckle. The Holy Spirit was helping me. I wasn’t quite ready for the news.

As I listened, I realized that “the real world of God/Source” is this symphony. I appreciated the symphony. The symphony is always there, but we cover it over and dissociate from it. The symphony is God’s reality, Heaven, not the ego world I normally experience. I can live in the symphonic reality, which is my ever present Source of Love, freely given because I/we are loved. I went to the bathroom and took a huge dump. All my crap came out.

Then, suddenly KCUR came on the air introducing the next president and immediately fed in Barak Obama’s acceptance. I got chills. I got tears. I said, “Praise the Lord. The era of the old white man is over.” “The old white man” is a symbol. For me, “the old white man” was my terrible father who hated women, the oppressor, the taker, MY EGO\’S god. This era being over symbolized the healing of my hate and my acceptance of Love, God, Heaven.

Since I don’t vote, I realized that it was my brother who had thrown out the old white man. This morning, I had asked to know my brother. The prayer was immediately answered by my brother electing Obama, a symbol of unity and love. Within every brother is Source and Love. Within me is Source and Love. My brother had clearly shown me who he was. I had trusted my brother to show me who he was. We are one and this has been shown.

This reflection is how I live metaphysically: I take my own inventory of fear and hate. I give the hate and fear to Jesus. Then I honestly pray for the true. Then I am healed and everyone else is healed.

Playing with Love

In solitude and silence,
Love will be my light;
dark drunk defiance,
my own demons I fight.

Dedicated to Love,
through emerald eyes I gaze.
Heart pumping, thoughts streaming,
I chase Love through the maze.

A sugar mountain loomed large.
I veered down gasoline alley.
Through the vapors of death,
My strength Love\’s call rallied.

I revived on Love\’s Mount;
soul sickness purged, I was free.
Love stood erect and open.
Power impaled me.

Eternity thereafter my dwelling.
Love\’s light a seamless space.
My pieces together gathered.
Love\’s cloister the silence of grace.

Jesus

Psalm 103: \”Bless the Lord O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.\”

This morning, I didn\’t start my prayer time with much hope but ended it with deep love for Jesus and a total feeling of trusting intimacy, like I have for my elbow doctor (what could be more intimate and trusting than allowing someone to tear open your skin, chip and hack and drill; while you are asleep?).

Jesus was talking through ACIM. He said, \”The dynamics of the ego will be our lesson for awhile, for we must look first at this to see beyond it, since you have made it real. We will undo this error quietly together, and then look beyond it to truth.\” Imagine that you have a wise doctor who comes to see you each day (maybe someone who brought you back from the brink of suicide). You have had such a long relationship that you love him. Today he shows up and says, \”We are going to start going through your crap. I want you to see your source of fear. Your fear is not real; but you must look at it before you can look beyond it into the face of God. I will come and talk to you everyday about this for awhile. Honesty is intimacy. I know how your ego feels about this. But intimacy is also love and by now, you know how much I love you and you love me.\”

Jesus listed the type of thoughts the ego gives me. If I take my inventory and learn to recognize the ego\’s thoughts, I can give them to Jesus: wishful thinking…idle wishes…attacks (resentments against others)…feeling supercilious, unbelieving, emotionally shallow, callous, uninvolved, lighthearted, distant, desperate. Whatever seems to separate you from God is only fear. The ego doesn\’t really want you to understand your fear because you would find your fear is not real. So you listen to your ego and waste your time with idle wishes instead.

So, with an inner excitement and giddy trembling, I look forward to Jesus joining me for my daily and deep inventory \”for awhile.\” He will talk to me about my idle wishes and quietly we will approach my fear and undo it.

While I was in the monastery, one of the priests from the men\’s abbey befriended me by becoming my regular confessor. Once a week, he listened to my resentments, hatreds, shame and fears; then applied the healing balm of Reconciliation. Then, a mad man came into their abbey one day and started shooting any monk he saw. My confessor was shot but not killed. I was devestated. About three weeks later, my confessor was in the infirmary at his abbey and I had visited him a couple of times. He loved being a priest and he loved his priestly duties, but being tied to a sucking machine in the infirmary, he couldn\’t celebrate sacraments; which he very much wanted to do. He invited me to come back a week later and we would celebrate the sacrament of Reconciliation together. It felt like Jesus Himself had invited me to come and surrender to His love. I felt that Jesus was joyfully happy that I would show him my stuff and let him heal it. That is how I feel now today. Jesus has invited me to come into his heart and he is in mine.

If you are a recovering alcoholic with many years of sobriety, the number one threat to your sobriety is your ego. I urge you to take your inventory at deeper and more subtle levels. This will ensure not only not drinking, but the development of conscious contact and living sobriety as an art form.

Who Cares?

Really, this is just a blog. This blog is the musings of a crazy woman!

In my sobriety, fasting, silence and celibacy, I renounce the primary inclinations of life. Renunciation is for the purpose of focusing on God, being devoted to God instead of all other choices. I recognize that there are no other gods or comforters but God and the Holy Spirit. It is a \”fake it til you make it\” existence. I mean, I am not enlightened but I go through the motions wishing I was. This action is not a sin. Being unenlightened is nothing to be ashamed of. I have not experienced the utter bliss of joyful ecstasy; but I am not too proud to walk the path of renunciation, patiently whittling away at my ego, until IT happens. However (and this is big), I daily have moments of the Holy Spirit\’s thinking. From this, I know that God is in me and does get through to me. He and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are my guests.

This morning, I cried out to God, \”Why am I here?\” What I thought next was that I am here because I love God and He asked me to come. I am made of love and:

I

AM

JUST

BEING

LOVE

That is it nothing more. Take each word one at a time. Take the words two at a time. Take the words in the various forms of tense and extension (ie Just is also justice, am and being are the same infinitive: to be).

I

AM JUST

BEING LOVE

I AM

JUST

BEING LOVE

Saying that I came because God wanted me and I love Him, so I obeyed sounds like a totally body/material world-centric thesis. Does this agree with the ACIM premise that the separation never occurred and this world is an illusion? Yes, because I said I was made of love by God. Being made of love by God is a constant and eternal. What I or anyone perceives of my physical life may not be what I really am. Yet still I am made of love and extend the love even into perception. The root of my being, the illusion of my life, the illusion of your life; all is love.

I love Him so I obeyed Him and I came. I was made. Now, I am here being love. My renunciation strips away everything else.

From ACIM:

• …do not be satisfied with imaginary comforters, for the Comforter of God is in you.
• …His peace surrounds you silently. God is very quiet…
• The Great Light always surrounds you and shines out from you.
• Walk in the light…God leads you.

In the Rule of Benedict, there is a chapter on silence. One translation entitles it \”Cherishing Silence in the Monastery.\” Related to ACIM, cherishing silence is the same as cherishing God, who is silent. Here is a line from the chapter on silence, \”As for vulgarity and idle gossip repeated for the sake of a laugh, such talk is forbidden at all times…\” People criticize me for not joining their fun, but to me it is not fun. Never have I been sarcastic or told a joke where someone else was not attacked; maybe subtly, but it is always there. What joke is not an attack on either someone\’s race, sexuality, gender, economic means, intelligence, physical stature, mistake, etc.

I see how such talk is a conscious act of separation between me and God. Since all people are God, any joking separates and attacks the God in them. So I try not to participate. I just watch and keep silent. I really want God more than guffaws.

Acknowledge God

From ACIM: You denied Him (God) because you loved Him, knowing that if you recognized your love for Him, you could not deny Him. Your denial of Him therefore means that you love Him, and that you know He loves you…He calls you from every part of the Sonship…The Love of God is in everything He created, for His Son is everywhere…When you acknowledge Him you will know that He has never ceased to acknowledge you, and that in His acknowledgement of you lies your being…you are of God…

I have been contemplating this passage for two days; meditating, listening and waiting. What is wonderful is I did/do have a subtle sensation of knowing Love; knowing that I loved Something, and that I was out of my ego mind briefly. I have spent a lifetime denying love; other people\’s love, and that intangible Love beamed at me and in me from my Christ Self. I have recently begun to believe it is true that I could be loved. As I write this, I can feel my mind open like a flower and receive the sunlight of love from Christ.

This morning, I went to Lauds and Mass at the local monastery. A sister from my former convent was there, Rita; and one of the sisters from this monastery, Micaela. After Mass these two corraled me. With their arms around me they talked about what a vision I am and how the roof raises up when I come there. I didn\’t know what to say; but, I must stop denying love.

Daniel Day 34 – Yearning

Psalm 66:

• Bless our God, you peoples;
• Who holds our souls in life,
• You let enemies ride over our heads;
  we went through fire and water;
  but You brought us out into a place of refreshment.
• All the earth bows down before You…I will pay You my vows…

ACIM:

• Remember always that you cannot be anywhere except in the Mind of God.

This evening I found myself with a great longing and an inkling of the fact that I am in love with The Most High God, and all His creation, His Christ.

I want to go deeper in to this \”Christ.\”

Yearning for You.

Humble, destitute, You are all I have.

God, I think I love You.

God, I admit, I am Your creature, one of Your creations.

You are my Creator, and I love You.

Of course, the only place I want to be is on my knees,

before You in awe.

Buffeted by the waves of Your Love;

This creature washes back and forth,

clinging to life,

alive, living, giving, sharing, loving.