From Sunday 9/16:
To allow myself to be afloat in a sea of nothingness; no moorings to anything of the ego. In the emptiness of this morning, I \”almost\” felt my true self. that is, I felt a moment of that something which is not my ego; something which had no agenda.
And now it is Monday:
See, weekends are hermit weekends. Yesterday, I did not even go outside. This time of introspection coupled with Course in Miracles study helped me to see how much I fight every thing and every one; at least in my mind. In person, I\’m seen as helpful friendly and competent. Inside my head, it is fight fight fight. Fight food, fight exercise, fight my body, fight society, etc.
But, when I remember to stop and let it go, things are ok.
I went in a half marathon today. I walk/jogged for the first 9 miles (2 hours) and then ran the last 4.1. I was saving my knee, since my doctor doesn\’t think running at this point is a really good idea. I see him again on Wednesday. I had an MRI last Wednesday.
Then, this afternoon, I was looking at the web page of the convent I used to live at. One of the young sisters has started wearing a veil. I would kill to hide myself in a holy garment; not that she is, that\’s just what my ego wants.
Then, sweeping the floors of my Texas palace, I thought about the mental difficulty I have with being nobody. I listened to my ACIM lesson for the day: \”I have invented the world I see.\” And then I must laugh. If I take ACIM seriously, I see that I invented the perfect circumstance for me to give up the ego\’s thought system and take on the Holy Spirit\’s thought system.
Beside having my slowest time ever in a half marathon today, I enjoyed being one of the other walkers. I got to put another medal on a wall of my palace. This wall is coming to symbolize my story in Texas.
Quietly running. Quietly working out. Quietly drinking my green smoothies. Quietly cleaning my house. Quietly going about my work. It is all nothing. And so I know, the ego\’s world is nothing.
There are some reasons why I want to love quiet and nothingness. Like the sisters veil, it is my sign of holiness. The wall with the medals is a symbol of holiness. The quiet solitude of my palace is a symbol of holiness.