Memories > Inner Being

Early in life, maybe more than 35 years ago, I saw \”Cats\” in London. I can still sing some of the songs. This afternoon, I found myself singing \”Memories\” ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gd_ohoPzYc  ).

It is a mournful song, appropriate for and old lady; but not a dead lady. \”I was beautiful then…and a new day has begun.\”

Yet here I am. This morning, I was at Starbucks opening the store at 4:30 am. Then, a decent noon meal,and then book reading while laying on my bed something inside me called me to get up and be present, work on my writing. Now, my brain and body are awake, ready for writing and exercise. It is a moment of feeling great, purposeful, connected to something greater than myself. The song from Cats only added power to my physical being. But the energy came originally from Source. Source called me to get off my bed and come be creative.

Isn\’t that wonderful? An old lady feels energy and gets busy creating. Some would say this means I\’m connected to my Inner Being. I appreciate that knowledge. But I can\’t prove I have an Inner Being. But I am able to ride the positive, ride the creation energy. I know for sure, for sure, that the creation energy came from inside somewhere. A human amount of energy would have stayed on the bed.

Wait! I\’m an old lady? How did that happen? Maybe I am not an old lady. What is an old lady? What is old? What does old mean? I bring this up because I want to go deeper into the meaning of a person who has been alive a long time. I won\’t go into long discussions of living in Berkeley CA during the Vietnam war. I won\’t talk about how television arrived when I was a small child and I used a slide rule my freshman year at college.

What is the depth of long years on this planet? It is more than wrinkled skin or grey hear. I don\’t have any health issues. I ran 15 mile just yesterday.

The only time I ever snuck out of the house as a teenager was to go to midnight Mass. My family had a ski cabin and we were there for Christmas. I went out the window of my bed room and walked half a block down a hill to the church. It was a cold but clear night with many stars. My mother had talked forever about midnight Mass, but we weren\’t Catholic. We were unchurched. Yet that one time, it was important to me to go to church. Who was God?

That girl who wondered about God. That is the true core of my being.

A new day, has begun.

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My Own Life

That is, live my own life. Take ownership of it. Stop feeling bad because I am not doing it someone else\’s way.

Maybe it is the age of 55+ years that allows me to finally say that and be mostly able to live up to it. Mostly…. Sometimes fear of those \”others\” still gets in my face.

But in my spiritual/ meditative work this morning, that is the intuitive response to my silent seeking. Live your own life.

I get up every morning at 3:30 am (and have for many years). First, I sit at my kitchen table, with coffee, and read spiritual material and also make silence in my mind for silent reaching out and silent listening. Then, I work out for about an hour. Then, I shower, grab my stuff and get to work by 6:30.

I am a vegetarian of the convicted variety. It means I\’m not doing it for health but because I strongly believe eating meat is consciencously wrong. I also restrict my diet as much as possible in other ways since I also believe that participating in the Great American Obesity Machine is wrong. I don\’t like eating at table with others.

I abstain from participation in society and entertainment and consuming (as much as possible) too. No religion, TV, voting, sex, family, holidays, football, face book, and etc. There are aspects of work culture which mirror society and I don\’t participate in those either.

I tried for many years to achieve \”enlightenment.\” But it seems to me now, that as long as I sought enlightenment per someone else\’s definition, I missed the enlightenment in my own heart. If I truly appreciate what I have been given for my own spiritual growth, then it is much more beneficial for me and I am given more. Along those lines, reading a book on the evolution of world religions or a Greek philosopher from the early Christian era or someone\’s research on early Christianity helps me to remove or discount beliefs which I have been given by society. I at least know where these beliefs about God came from; not God in any case but men who had their own agendas. (Yes, I meant men.)

I take ownership of A Course in Miracles as I have been a student 6 years. It has brought much mental peace and joy. I take ownership of my non-participation in the general mass habits; renunciation as it were. I take ownership of my solitary life. I take ownership of being an elderly athlete. This stance is to dis-obey survival synapses and the fear they generate and stand alone against the tribe.

I\’m not going to feel less than or guilty because I am what I am. This could be a new era in mental health and appreciation of life for me. If I can successfully throw off peer pressure and just love me for what I am. It is finally possible. Of course people say this to each other all the time; but most people do not dare go outside society\’s rules and be a unique individual. I have been trying this process for awhile, well probably at leat 5 years. I see happiness in it which I never had before.

Hog\’s Hunt Prelude – Friday AM

To start, here is a beautiful picture from some place in Colorado stolen from Journey to Badwater blog,

I just cancelled the hotel reservation I had for some roadside inn near Huntsville. I did this because I wanted to relax at home and in my own bed tonight. I thought I would hate being in some degraded cheap hotel room. And I can make green smoothies this evening to have something for after the race tomorrow.

But here is the surprise. As I clicked cancel, I realized that I made that reservation in the first place because I think I am getting too old to get up and 2:45 am, drive 100 miles and run 31 miles.

But thinking I am old, and acting that way is the key revelation here. If I start that now, I\’m sunk. Yes, some crummy issues are going on in my body; but I could see these differently. I don\’t have to add \”old age\” as the hidden issue behind all my decisions.

A Course in Miracles chapter 4: \”Let the Holy One shine on you in peace, knowing this and only this must be.\”

Now, I\’m going to do an easy workout. Then go to work. I just donned my hachi maki, which says \”Spirit Warrior\” in Japanese (fighting spirit in picture). Now I feel strong, decisive, ready.