Honestly, I usually intake 2,200 kcal/day. That is not that much below the average. I could be gaining weight just like everyone else; except I exercise 2 hours a ,and barely stay ahead of weight increases. For weight maintenance, for me, it doesn\’t matter if its any particular type of food. Too many calories is too many calories no matter how healthy.
I eat healthy but too much.
Being a solitary in silence at home, I notice more thoughts than people distracted with others in their household or constant media input (TV on all the time). So when I pack my lunch in the morning, trying to decide what food to bring to last for 10 hours, I feel the fear of starving. No really.
There is no chance I will starve anytime soon, but the fear of not having food ready to hand does exist in my brain. It is an amazing thing to understand.
It s not just a fear of starvation. It is a need for satisfaction. Sitting quietly in an office, I can feel its ongoing urge. But no reasonable amount of food will ever fill this need. All the reasonable amount of food is gone before I ever know it.
There is never a happy lets stop now. I may force a stopping point after eating all the food and looking for more. The feeling of full lasts briefly. As soon as there is an iota of room inside, I eat. I try a piece of sugar free gum for temporary relief.
Do you realize how strong is this programming and how powerless over it, especially if unconscious of it.
I also realize that my brain is not capable of eating less. I can shift around what I eat; but the ability to not eat is not within my current synapse logic prose.
I can make a right/healthy decision in the moment. But, maybe that desire doesn\’t go away, just underground to come back later. Then the only way I am ultimately powerful is to do something that eliminates that thought, develop a habit which becomes stronger than that thought, or ask for a higher power to remove that thought. Otherwise, I\’m doomed to eventually do that thing.
I need to change my momentum and keep it changed.
I want a different ruler in my mind than the one I have been allowing. I need to strengthen the consciousness which brings me success, peace, productivity, self love. That consciousness which is positive is there; I just don\’t choose it as my ruler. But I think I could. I am aware enough of my thoughts to begin a different conscious sorting process.
I went for a long run as usual for a Saturday morning (4h25 min). I thought that I want my life to be an experience of soul. What ever I do and however I think, I want it to be an experience of soul.
I learned how to just be today! I realized that I am.
I am in the city where our corporate HQ is. I am going to an interview for a promotion tomorrow.
I am in a mental state such as I\’ve never been. I\’ve been dismantling my religious belief systems for a few years. And I\’ve been reading books about the brain lately (ie how do we get beliefs). So sitting on the airplane, I thought about the dichotomies and I thought about my beliefs about myself. Here is a simple layout.
If I get the job:
- is it because God or a higher power wanted me to have it?
- is it because I created it from my own thoughts?
- is it luck?
- is it talent?
If I don\’t get the job:
- is it because I think I\’m not good enough?
- is it because I never get what I want because the cosmos doesn\’t give it or my thoughts are screwed up?
- is it because I\’m somehow a bad little girl?
- is it because nobody likes me?
- is it because of politics?
- is it because the competition was truly better?
So you see, whether I win or lose, I\’ll probably make up a story about why this happened or what it means. That\’s my point. I see how we make reality what we want it to be and imbue it with irrational spiritual idealizations. The story may or may not involve God. The story may or may not involve my psychology. The story may or may not involve thoughts creating reality. The story is likely to involve some irrational belief system to which I adhere unknowingly. But I will believe the story.
Except for once in my life, I am aware of what my mind does. I can actually choose detachment or ambivalence. I don\’t have to believe anything. Letting go to this extent is going beyond some of my former boundaries. My only chance of ever having an original thought or experiencing freedom of thought is to buck the ancient and modern programming in every way I can. It is likely that there is no truth.
If I keep this up, I\’ll someday soon enjoy a sunset just because it is. Period.