Womanhood

Day 25 of my 30 day process, I am very healthy. It looks like I understand normal life for me as a semi-hermit. More about that in some other post.

The 30 day process was for the purpose of discovery of my Inner Being, my inner non-physical but vibrational reality. To make the discovery, one must eliminate as much distraction from the outside world as possible and pay attention to the inner. To me, this mainly meant turning off the news. The news is a bad feeling vibration. I’ve done well with that and feel much better. Also, owing to cooler mornings, I’ve had more time for silent reflection before going running. Great!

So, here is my womanhood story. Step 1, PTSD: I’ve been tapering from big miles as I planned to go in a marathon race this weekend, so I haven’t been as physically tired at night. It is easier to go to sleep if I am tired. For most of my life, I have suffered from PTSD; which means that I frequently have hallucinations in the early part of the night. Last night, it happened three times. One of the times, I seemed to actually say out loud, “Are you here to kill me?” I don’t remember doing that before and I believe that it is a good thing to become aware of. Step 2, The Enlightenment: I’m reading a history book on the Enlightenment, a period in European history from 1675 to 1775 or so. Much of the book contains the writings of philosophers of the time. Yesterday and today, I was looking at a chapter on women. The old white male philosophers had no qualms about writing the most outrageous things about women. These men really were not able to see women as intelligent human beings, equals. Just not capable. Some of what is written is incredible: what men actually think of women, and what is epigenetically encoded in men is really terrible. Men now-a-days keep their mouth shut but they still think as The Enlightenment men do. My PTSD has something to do with men. That is why Step 1 and 2 are related.

Step 3, my Inner Being. Listening to my Inner Being, I come up with answers which are the opposite of what modern life might say to me. I always get a good feeling thought if I listen to the inside and not the outside. The reason I didn’t quote anything from my history book about what the European philosophers have to say about women is because that is not where my inner being focuses. My Inner Being focuses on now. Now is my reality. My Inner Being would also not worry too much about focusing on PTSD, like don’t talk a lot about it or go beg a therapist for some drugs. Be easy about it. Everything always works out for me. Allow the vibration to shift. As I am conscious of what happened last night, I can allow the vibration to shift. I am willing to allow men to move on and shift vibrations too, See, my life is the vibration not the world.

I’ve been studying vibrational reality for about four years. It takes some contemplation and practice of the techniques to believe it. It is cool to me to get a greater understanding of what to do when something seemingly disturbing crops up, like a hallucination that frightens me. I’m grateful that I have resources that point up the emotional scale rather than down.

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Outrage Transformed to Prayer

I have been working on my psychological issues the past month or so. I\’ve made progress in becoming conscious of how co-dependence feels. Now that I know how it feels, I know when I am sinking into it and about to NEED remediation. Since I am now aware, the remediation doesn\’t have to be unconscious reacting but conscious self care.

And so, there is the topic of inner outrage. I\’ve been listening to it. As I ran this morning, this is what I thought. I think at some point as a toddler, I became outraged at being in a human body. I think all toddlers have this problem. But at some point later, I became outraged at what horrible parents I had. Outraged that had to be turned inward, since I had no place to go. I came squirting out of my family with a diagnosis of PTSD. But, unconscious of how that was affecting me.

And, throughout my life, I\’ve looked out at the world and been outraged at the other humans. Very few of the humans were worthy of respect. Then sometimes I got caught. Some individual human became a parent figure and I began to live my life before them as a child. I was trying to do what I could to get their positive attention; then feeling massively bad if that didn\’t happen, or worse, criticized. Then, damage control kicked in with even greater attempts at approval. Hyper-vigilant is what I realize I am. Forever looking out for danger and enacting protective mechanisms of various sorts.

So, I can see this in my life now. And now, I am conscious of it. So I want to be free. I want to be me, the real me, not some doll that only lives to dance before others.

What do \”I\” want? What would I say if I wasn\’t reading it from a book? I asked this in my meditation this morning. I then remembered, I want to live a life of prayer. Then I thought about how I need to consciously make everything I do part of the prayer. It seemed possible. To live a life of prayer is what I call spiritual. Not saying words and asking God for things. More like awareness of the partnership, the communion.

PMA

Positive Mental Attitude.

I had PMA on Wednesday. First time that I can remember for a long time. It was only for 1 day.

I am just now learning how deeply co-dependence has affected my life and how it currently affects my mental outlook. The boss was snarky towards me in an e-mail. Part of my current learning is to realize that his attitude shouldn\’t govern my feelings about myself. Instead of taking it in stride, I want to kill myself. Yes, I was raised by an alcoholic and a deviant. I came squirting out of childhood with a diagnosis of PTSD. Only now do I really get how this has affected my life.

For instance, in the past, I\’ve gone and got a new job for the smallest level of snarkiness that happened to show up in my boss\’s e-mail this week.

So, if I need to run marathons and practice fitness in all ways, it is just to stay alive.

I ran my 58th marathon last Saturday.

I finished sooner than 6 other little old ladies and won the Master\’s division. I was quite surprised to win. Usually, I get an award when I\’m the only one in that category. And \”Master\’s\” encompassed women 17 years younger than me.

It is summer in Houston. Where I live, it might not go below 75F and extreme humidity until October. Every run is sweaty and not very fast. But this morning, I really enjoyed 6.6 miles in a park. It was just really great.

I am relieved to think that I\’m only signed up for marathons for the rest of the year. No ultras.