Reflection 3.98: Habitual Contemplation

            So my obsessions form the general direction for my addiction, or any part of my emotionally troubled human life. I will get what I think about. The same mental energy I use for my obsession can be turned to my spiritual consciousness, if I want.

            Having a good job, family, comfort, is not enough to replace my opioid euphoria, or my tryptophan wellbeing. A spiritual quest is enough. Accomplishing a dream is enough. My greatest dream is connection with my inner consciousness. I habitually contemplate this.

Photo by David Bartus on

Reflection 3.97: Practice

            Going to work is a spiritual practice of simplicity. Working on yourself is a practice of transcendence. Going to work, inner work or outer work, is a practice of the power of will, not will power.

            There is a crummy feeling when someone says that I have no will power. There is a magnificent feeling when I feel the power of will. I stop and feel the difference. I go for magnificence. I embrace the power of will. It is my truth, willed for me from the beginning.

Reflection 3.96: Human Spirit

            I stop a moment and consider the life within me, that which is very quiet. I hold that energy without condition.

            I need to find a procedure which brings me to my basic human spirit. Practice. Refine. I change my outer life to honor my inner spirit. I have this “thing” inside me, call it what I may. I just visit it.

Reflection 3.95: Fight For Your Soul

            Indeed. In my pursuit of shallow addictive behaviors, I trashed the relationship with my inner who-I-really am. Soul, human dignity, inherent worthiness are some of the names for the spirit within.

            I want the relationship back. I don’t want my addiction. I want to feel good without my addiction. Being sustained and guided by the spirit within is my truth and my choice.

            My addiction or my soul? I ponder a moment the words spirit within. Whisper it to my insides. I give it a short time.

Facing Inward

Yesterday marked one month since I quit my job. One month of moving, unpacking, beginning new things. I knew when I began this life that it was out on the edge of the norms of my social class. That is, what is considered financial security and what is considered success in occupation. I took my dog out of the race.

Yesterday was really the first day where I sat in my kitchen in the morning and felt peace. There were no pressing issues, like needing to go to the license bureau or do homework. So I could remember, experience and feel good about my dream. My dream is an existential dream; it could be monetized but that is not really its point. Actually, I wanted subsistence living so I could have time for existential pursuits.

It is a new way of being for me. I have a life. I have life itself. I have time for inner connection, reflection, just being.

Money anxiety lurks. Not all is perfect nor is the buffer invincible. I feel the emotion of scarcity. This emotion is taught. It is not real in my case. This feeling is in fact what I want and need to generate in my subsistence life. I wanted to make just such a discovery as I made this morning. Money anxiety is just a form of general existential human anxiety. This general existential anxiety drives some people to achievement in order to hide from it. It drives others into addiction to hide from it. I want to heal it for myself and for mankind.

I remember my dream. It is a dream of knowing my depths, human depths. There is no way to find your depths without facing the inner. The inner seems to be filled with the demons of emotion . Maybe under the demons is a void, an emptiness, a silence of truth. My dream is to find this. So I have to proceed with a certain amount of anxiety. Anxiety is my soul\’s sand paper; the constant reminder to let go and remember Source energy.

I think, \”My new life, my dream.\” This thought gives me energy and hope. I feel better. Not hope for security, but hope for inner knowing. I absolutely must find the inner before I die. I feel good thinking about this.

Plotinus 3.1.4 – 10, Universal Determination

Yesterday, I went to a half marathon race. I was aware as my car turned out of my street that I was making myself go to the race. I became aware of how I make myself do everything. Getting out of bed each and every day is something I make myself do.

Who are these people who love getting up in the morning?

But I need to frame my life in spirituality. The material world, American society and past times, no longer hold interest and haven\’t for many years. Pondering of ideas is what I do.

Plotinus\’ third Ennead starts off providing several theories of self and direction of the universe. Of course, human seekers are mainly concerned with their own self determination. Plotinus arrives at the individual Soul and the Principle. \”But when our Soul holds to its Reason-Principle, to the guide, pure and detached and native to itself, only then can we speak of personal operation, of voluntary act.\”

He has already explained what could be voluntary in terms of noble souls and poorer souls. The poorer soul defers to bodily temperament in unreflective acceptance of stimulus. The nobler soul holds good against its surroundings.

In this life, my soul has been remarkably resistant to the less noble, has sought the noble and attempted to carry it out. Along the line, reflection occurred and determination to abstain formed in place.

This doesn\’t bring dopamine rewards or the temporary ecstasy found in candy, thrills and copulation. I believe American society seeks greater and greater material world thrills because it doesn\’t have the capacity to reflect or to look beyond. There is only the rushing forward for more and more, with no degree of noble action carried out. Noble actions don\’t pay off usually.

Somehow, Universal Determination gets me out of bed. I resist numerous daily onslaughts of food and entertainment. I just stand determined in my behavior. Some lack of wisdom is suffered, but the overall pattern holds and increases in it determination.

Just now I realize: I don\’t want to transcend this self. This self is evidence of my Soul and its connection to Spirit.

Train for marathons or eat cookies. What is your choice to be? I\’ll take the marathon. The idea of marathon is noble compared to obesity. I am determined and plan to stay that way. I will reflect and deny the stimulus. Mindfulness? Fuck yeah!