Day 25 of my 30 day process, I am very healthy. It looks like I understand normal life for me as a semi-hermit. More about that in some other post.

The 30 day process was for the purpose of discovery of my Inner Being, my inner non-physical but vibrational reality. To make the discovery, one must eliminate as much distraction from the outside world as possible and pay attention to the inner. To me, this mainly meant turning off the news. The news is a bad feeling vibration. I’ve done well with that and feel much better. Also, owing to cooler mornings, I’ve had more time for silent reflection before going running. Great!

So, here is my womanhood story. Step 1, PTSD: I’ve been tapering from big miles as I planned to go in a marathon race this weekend, so I haven’t been as physically tired at night. It is easier to go to sleep if I am tired. For most of my life, I have suffered from PTSD; which means that I frequently have hallucinations in the early part of the night. Last night, it happened three times. One of the times, I seemed to actually say out loud, “Are you here to kill me?” I don’t remember doing that before and I believe that it is a good thing to become aware of. Step 2, The Enlightenment: I’m reading a history book on the Enlightenment, a period in European history from 1675 to 1775 or so. Much of the book contains the writings of philosophers of the time. Yesterday and today, I was looking at a chapter on women. The old white male philosophers had no qualms about writing the most outrageous things about women. These men really were not able to see women as intelligent human beings, equals. Just not capable. Some of what is written is incredible: what men actually think of women, and what is epigenetically encoded in men is really terrible. Men now-a-days keep their mouth shut but they still think as The Enlightenment men do. My PTSD has something to do with men. That is why Step 1 and 2 are related.

Step 3, my Inner Being. Listening to my Inner Being, I come up with answers which are the opposite of what modern life might say to me. I always get a good feeling thought if I listen to the inside and not the outside. The reason I didn’t quote anything from my history book about what the European philosophers have to say about women is because that is not where my inner being focuses. My Inner Being focuses on now. Now is my reality. My Inner Being would also not worry too much about focusing on PTSD, like don’t talk a lot about it or go beg a therapist for some drugs. Be easy about it. Everything always works out for me. Allow the vibration to shift. As I am conscious of what happened last night, I can allow the vibration to shift. I am willing to allow men to move on and shift vibrations too, See, my life is the vibration not the world.

I’ve been studying vibrational reality for about four years. It takes some contemplation and practice of the techniques to believe it. It is cool to me to get a greater understanding of what to do when something seemingly disturbing crops up, like a hallucination that frightens me. I’m grateful that I have resources that point up the emotional scale rather than down.


Emptiness – Day 17 of 30 Day Process

I decided to do a 30 day spiritual process. I have been doing the spiritual practices, but the main difference between my normal life and this retreat is that I discontinued any news media. That, and some interesting daily reflections and realizations.

Let me first address the news fast. Most people fast by not eating. I am fasting by not scrolling through any news, or listening to the radio. No NY Times. No Atlantic. No Apple News. No Google News, etc. I’m not getting dopamine hits from outrage. Every time I pay attention to news, I feel some small outrage at what is wrong with some people or institutions. That outrage is a dopamine hit in my brain. Humans like dopamine hits, and so we continue the behavior. Point: dopamine hits are not bad in themselves. We need them. But dopamine from poison or dopamine from upliftment? I’ve been getting dopamine from other sources than the news. What I’ve been thinking about, however, is the future. I’m like an addict who has been in treatment for 17 days, dry for 17 days. Will I go back to my drug of choice when I get out of treatment? Honestly, I can’t imagine life without my drug of choice. My mental feeling is better without the poison that is today’s news, but I can’t imagine living without it.

Taking the situation to a deeper level: spending time on the news, or needlessly scrolling and looking for a hit, is artificially filling the emptiness of my inner life, destroying the emptiness. As I thought this, or had this realization this morning, the emptiness of my life came into focus. My life has always been pretty empty. In America, an empty life is a stigma. We are supposed to be filling our lives, but I have been steadily emptying mine. I want to have the emptiness, not destroy it. Not only is it who I am. but it is my non-physical reality. I need it.

I lived in a monastery for nearly four years. The nuns had very empty lives compared to the non-cloistered house holder. But since their lives were overlaid with a daily schedule, a Rule and a religious profession, they didn’t really have to face emptiness. I have no overlay, no template, no title or name. I simply have an empty life.

Now that I consciously have an empty life, I am able to fully embrace it. This is the art of being myself. I find spiritual fulfillment in: emptiness? The secret of my soul is emptiness. My energy vortex contains an energy called emptiness.

“Some children may be extraordinarily happy with a single basic toy if they have been able to develop their imagination and creativity, while others will be bored by a hundred sophisticated toys if they constantly need new objects to derive pleasure from” (Happiness – a philosopher’s guide, Frederic Lenoir, page 49).

Photo by Arvind shakya on Pexels.com

Lesson 164

Its the weekend: a time when I retreat into my silence and ponder.

The afternoon featured crashing thunder, thick bolts of lightning and pouring down rain. I nixed any thoughts of going outside for a run. I took a nap with ear plugs. I read a book. Finally, I had gathered some energy and became eager for a workout.

I stopped by the ACIM workbook and made myself a little ditty to chant while I worked out.

The present is the only time there is.
This day  _  _ is sacred to the world.
Letting go _ _ all things-I think I want.
The world fades easily before Christ sight.
Now are we one with Him Who is our Source.

Each line has 10 beats (thats why I put the pauses in lines 2 and 3). And when I exercise, the beats work out to foot steps and breathing in sync. so in a sense, not only my thoughts but my whole body (that is the illusion I made and called a body) is immersed in the lesson. Nothing of me is left out. Course students pondering this little chant will see that it is the Course in a nutshell. Everything needed for salvation is here.

I will continue on pondering the verses tomorrow and I run and workout.

Three Day Retreat – Pre-Lude

Today was my last day at my job in Kansas City. I am not leaving my company, just transferring to another location, but it feels in many ways like I\’m going to a new job. the reactions of the people in Kansas City are that I am leaving, period.

Why is this a retreat? I have no plans to socialize for 3 days. I have a plan for spiritual work. It is not really new spiritual work, I do the same everyday; but since I am not at work, my attention is more focused. The retreat is made of the next 3 ACIM workbook lessons. They represent first a decompression (letting go), second a nurturing of new, and third an emergence.

  1. I will there be light (73)
  2. There is no will but God’s (74)
  3. The light has come (75)
And then on Monday, the movers come. I will arrive in Houston area on Wednesday. Three more days to work 3 more lessons.

The first step in spiritual progress for any given day or endeavor is to lay aside grievances: those ideas, opinions and thoughts which are thought attacks on other people,places, things and situations. The first lesson encourages intolerance of grievances and a turning to the inner light. The second step of spiritual progress is to turn to the light.

Tomorrow, besides laying aside my grievances, I\’ll go for a long run. Perfect.

Holiday Retreat – Day 8

I have been off work and alone for 8 days. My recovery from the world is going well.

Personal Statistics:
Saturday – 80 minutes on ex-machines and a 10 mile run plus a strength workout.
Sunday – 13.1 mile race plus 65 min of jogging for warm up and cool down plus a 59 minute walk.
Monday – 120 min on ex-machines plus 6 mile jog plus a strength workout.
Tuesday – 60 min on ex machines, 10.8 mile run and 41 min walk.
Wednesday – 18.9 miles run plus strength workout.
Thursday – 4 hours on ex-machines, 4 mile run and strength workout.
Friday – 3h41 min trail run.
Saturday – 15 mile walk plus strength workout plus 60 min on ex-machines.
Sunday – ________ TBD.


  • I made my list of Right Answers (see below). I need this list of non-ego thoughts so that when I am in trouble, I have something true to hang onto. And the list is a way to keep from letting my mind go wherever it wants.
  • I realize that the founders of A Course in Miracles and the more well known teachers seem not to have achieved \”it.\” Yet I believe that I can learn from Jesus and escape from ego prison. I am committed to the Course as my spiritual path.
  • I seek quiet and solitude because I need to hear something besides the yammering of the ego in the world. \”Be still and know God\” is a perfectly clear approach.
  • I spent Friday running the trails with this in my head: Into Thy hands I commend my spirit. I pondered the giving up of the ego and total reliance on God. Late at night, I felt that I had a moment of clarity: I have accepted God\’s peace. I am willing to let The Holy Spirit care for me. Yes God I accept Your peace. I said this and meant it. I accepted the power of peace instead of the ego grandiosity.
  • Today, walking, I look at the future. The company plans to lay off 600 people. Will I be one? It doesn\’t matter. I rely on The Holy Spirit.
  • Today marks the third day of absolutely no human interaction. I see how different my mind is when there is no one else around to posture before. I am a simple truth without the ego\’s presence.
  • I thought about applying for a job in Germany; but it would mean tons of world wide travel. I accept that solitude is my way or I would have corrected that in the past year instead of going further into solitude. So, I won\’t apply for the job. I\’ll wait and see what The Holy Spirit has for me here.

List of Right Answers:
There is no ego. Hate does not exist.
If I am afraid, I am deceived.
Fear is lack of love. Atonement heals.
Love alone is my reality.
In the holy instant I forgive.
And miracles come forth as love expressed.

The Holy Spirit is the Voice for God.
I hear Him speak quietly in my mind.
I am not alone. Jesus is here.
Jesus is the undoing of the dream.

God is not symbolic. He is fact.
His peace cannot be shaken. I am free.
The innocent always truly see.
Christ vision is their one and only sight.
Into God\’s Hands I commend my spirit.
And so my mind awakens to His peace.

This is my commitment and the Truth.
Love is my intention as of now.