Marathon Report

OMG….I hit the wall..4:42.

At 18 miles, I was on track, but I knew I wasn\’t going to make it. By 22 miles, I was involved with a peculiar jogging shuffle which I knew would get me to the finish. I didn\’t even perk up on the down hills. I wondered if I was losing consciousness in the heat. I wondered if I should quit at mile 24.5 where my hotel was.

Then, I had a good stream of thought. It has been many years since I hit the wall. I accepted that today was today; and let go of my expectations of matching last year\’s time. Today was today of this year and not last year. What for? Why finish? Just to do it. Not to impress anyone. I went through that particularly intense intimate mental place and just kept going. It was self transcendence but not because I was fast; because I defeated my ego.

I still got 2nd in my age group!

The drive home was 3 hours. After 2 1/2, I stopped for gas and coffee before heading out into the country. The cup of coffee was 49 cents. I hauled out my change and could not figure out how to put coins together into the form of 50 cents. The girl had to help me. Wow, my brain is fried along with my legs!

Good experience! I\’ll have to savor it some more. But first, eating!

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Marathon Eve

  • This is the way in which you must perceive God\’s creations, bringing all of your perceptions into the one line the Holy spirit sees. This line is the direct line of communication with God, and lets your mind converge with His.

On March 9, I was running in a park, thinking about running a marathon June 10. Then I tripped and fell on frozen ground and my arm went crunch. I thought that was the end of marathon training for a good while. In the emergency room, I lost it in tears. All my hopes dashed. They gave me morphine. On March 11, I had surgery. On March 27, I had surgery again. March 28. I lay in a hospital bed all day. I couldn\’t tear toilet paper. Two weeks later, I got the splint off and was put in a brace. I joked to the doctor about going running. He said that would be totally stupid. It hurt too much anyway. 6 weeks later, I got the brace off. I made a Bee-line from the doctor\’s office to the park and ran a lap.

I am crying right now as I write this. It was so powerful to run again. In June, I ran a half-marathon. In July, I ran a trail 25K. Now here I am in September, really gonna go in a marathon tomorrow.

I picked up my number and got interviewed by a reporter dude from the local paper.

I pray with the Text of ACIM using a technique learned in the Roman Catholic, Benedictine, monastery called lectio divina. Most people use this technique with the bible. I use it with ACIM. You can google it to find out what it is.

It is a way of listening directly to God. It is a way to get beyond words.

This evening, I was praying with the above bulleted text. I don\’t read commentaries for ACIM because I don\’t want someone else\’s impressions to mar the surface of my own listening. Like when I go out on to the beach or into a Zen garden, I don\’t want to see someone else\’s footprints in the sand and I certainly don\’t want to go the same way as everyone else.

The hardest thing is to just listen; letting go of expectations that some voice will come blasting out of nowhere. People read commentaries because they don\’t think they hear God or understand what God is saying. This is only impatience with the fact that God communicates with non-words and silent joy.

Running in a Warm Wind

  • Whatever you accept into your mind has reality for you.
  • Unnatural thinking will always be attended with guilt.
  • Nothing the ego perceives is interpreted correctly.
  • Guilt feelings show that you believe you can think apart from God, and want to.
  • What you want you expect. What do you want?
  • The Atonement is the remedy for disordered thought.
  • …you must learn to think with God.

Today\’s blog was a waste of time so I erased it.

This morning, at 4 am, I went for a six mile run. It was warm and windy. I am going in a marathon on Labor Day. I am excited.

I have five days off work this weekend. I hope to enjoy the silence.

The Hand of Love

This morning, I woke up late, 6:30. I had been unable to get out of bed with the alarm at 4. So, the late rising meant a change of plans. I couldn\’t get in a three hour run and also make it to the city for a 10 am AA meeting. I decided: get up now, get in the car by 7, get to Parkville by 8, run 3 laps, buy your coffee and get to the meeting on time. No prayer and meditation on that schedule.

I started running about 7:50. During my run, I was watching my thoughts. I kept identifying thoughts that were clearly ego thoughts and grievances. These, I gave to Jesus and asked Jesus to guide my thinking. \”Jesus,\” I thought, \”I want to have the other consciousness. The one that recognizes the divinity in every other person. (an ACIM tenet) I pray for an intuitive thought, inspiriation of decision.\” I have a hateful attitude towards everyone. I work hard spiritually to get better, and I am; but I recognize that I have a long way to go in having God instead of my ego run my life.

One common thread in my thinking this morning was \”What AA meeting should I go to?\” I didn\’t really want to go to Parkhill, where every body loves eachother and they read from the Daily Reflections and talk about their issues. But, Northtown, where they read from the Big Book and only talk about getting sober, is so stiff and smells like smoke. I turned this over to Jesus. A guy from Parkhill was walking in the park. Having been seen, my ego piped up again, \”What will he think if you don\’t go to the meeting at Parkhill?\” The dilemma continued. I was running well and got 4 laps (10.8 miles) done by 9:40. As I finished the last lap, I asked Jesus again to direct my thinking about which meeting to go to.

Laying on the ground by my car was somebody\’s ipod ear set. I thought, \”Hey! Take that to Parkhill, maybe A. will be there and you can play a joke on her (another story that).\” So, I picked up the head set and planned to tease someone. Thats how I made my choice.

At Parkhill, they read, \”It may be possible to find explanations of spiritual experiences such as ours…I know the feeling it gave me and the results it has brought, but I may never fully understand its deeper why and how.\”

Somehow, this took me back to when I first got sober. I was able to see and feel the hand of God all throught the past 23 years, right up to that morning, and I was able to feel like I loved all the other people at the meeting (even though I usually hate them). I felt gratitude. I almost never feel gratitude. As I felt gratitude for God and these people, I felt love. I never feel love.

So, through prayer, I felt gratitude and love for others this morning. I want to shout it to the world as a momentous occasion. Thus…a blog.

Emotional Misfit

  • Ingenious thinking is not the truth that shall set you free, but you are free of the need to engage in it when you are willing to let it go.
  • The prayer for forgiveness (looking beyond the ego world) is a request that you may be able to recognize what you already have.
I don\’t fit into human groups. Often I\’m too smart for them. Often I can\’t participate in self destructive behavior like overeating, especially the eating of preservatives. I am not interested in superficial conversations. I see movies and TV as \”programming\” and guard my mind from it. I don\’t belong to a standard religion. I don\’t have family activities. I consume very little. I really believe this ego world is a bad dream, an illusion.

I am a person who has allowed emotions which others hide to surface into my conscious mind. This means I am aware of my hatred and fear of others. This means I react less violently than others because I pray about the emotions before hand. Really, emotions and \”ingenious thinking\” feel the same and perhaps they are. Or, the ingenious thinking is an inner expression of defensiveness coming from fear and hatred.

But, the option of asking Jesus to direct my thinking is very much in the forefront of my consciousness too. I am willing to give up my human thinking in favor of an intuitive thought inspiration or decision.

In this way, I live moment to moment; staying alive in relative peace; not accomplishing anything; putting in the miles of my life\’s self transcendence race; hoping to arrive in the Hands of my Self.

The Long Road

This week I ran 78 miles (126 k). Yesterday I ran 23 miles and today I ran 16 miles.

One stretch of road was long flat and straight with 8 foot corn on both sides. It was hot by then and my legs were tired. It was then that the Universe got my attention. I realized how I\’ve been thinking that this week at work will be the week from hell. I realized I\’d already decided that; but in a metaphysical reality, I can change my mind. If I change my mind and turn my mind over to Something Bigger, I don\’t have to live in a hellish prison of anger, hate and fear this week.

The anger hate and fear are mine. I have help as soon as I face them head on (consciously) and ask Something Bigger for some other way of thinking. I have to quit pretending they are not there. I have to quit denying the hateful thoughts or they tear me up from the inside with the eventual bad reaction to some real person.

This moment of clarity produced a moment of prayer and gratitude (I am off the hook of my own thinking). Funny how it takes 2 1/2 hours of running in the hot sun to finally wear away the ego control and hear what Something Bigger has to say.

  • It is essential that you realize that your thinking will be erratic until a firm commitment is made to light. The strength to bring your mind under Jesus\’ guidance comes from your undivided decision.
  • This is a Course in mind training.
  • An imprisoned mind is not free because it is held back by itself. The mind can only miscreate when it believes it is not free.
  • The way to correct distortions is to withdraw your faith in them and invest it only in what is true.
  • Nothing can prevail against a Son of God who commends his spirit into the hands of his Father. By doing this the mind awakens from its sleep and remembers its Creator.

The Day After 08/08

  • When everything you retain is lovable, there is no reason for fear to remain with you. This is your part in the Atonement.

Meeting makers only make it if they understand why they went to the meeting.

I ran 23 miles this morning. It was great weather, cloudy and 70F. This evening, I might go to a meeting. I\’ve gone to meetings for 23 years. Something must have happened there or I wouldn\’t be here.

My Dream

I always wanted to be a mystic. Somehow this dream got started in my teenage years as I read Dune and Carlos Castaneda. It continued on into college as I smoked dope and dreamed of finding a higher consciousness in Strawberry Fields. \”Who are you\” rang forever in my head. \”I am woman\” was often the answer; inless it was \”I don\’t want to live like a refugee.\” Or there were other answers provided by Jefferson Starship or Tom Petty or ELO. Anything from Mick Jagger was a nightmare. Mainly I felt jealous of others who seemed to be making it. On the outside, I appeared to be making it. I was president of a student association, awarded outstanding senior at a large university, awarded scholarships, ran a marathon, graduated with honors and got a job. Yet, on the inside I was an emotional disaster. It would have ended there in a pool of alcohol except…

After my senior year and before my graduate year, I spent six weeks in Israel on an archaeological dig. I certainly had my fill of beer while I was there. But I also discovered religion and I came home wondering who God was.

That question about God consumed all of my life after that, and it still does. I searched standard Catholic Christianity. I searched John of the Cross. I searched new age channelers. I searched Harley Davidson. I searched illicit sex. I searched monastic life (4 years in a monastery). I searched money and power and things.

I now have a practice of silence and a study of A Course in Miracles. I have been sober for 23 years. I run ultra-marathons. I work in a crummy chemical plant as an environmental engineer and sole female in operations management among a bunch of red necks. I live in a dinky house in a dinky town. I marginalize myself in every possible way. My modus is to shamelessly follow Jesus; which means to lose your life through renunciation of the ego world, including religion.

My one unique thought I got in a dream: Love is the predominate mode of existance.

  • …inducing the mind to give up its miscreations is the only application of creative ability that is truly meaningful.