Adoration

Sitting in silence yields nothing. The ego gets no rewards. The ego cannot steal any inspiration. No dopamine reward cycle. This is the hard part of solitude and silence: it is not an emotional reward. There is no drama. Nothing to say.

But as I type, I realize I am in adoration of the Great Silent Altar within. I\’m not sure if I have felt such adoration before. I feel the power.

No specialness. That is what is at this altar. Silence offers no specialness. Anyone willing to leave their specialness behind can come and adore.

Societal programming is about teaching children to seek specialness. Religions are about specialness. Religious professions, ordination, sacraments are all specialness. The requirement of a guru is specialness.

What if you could just come and adore? No sacrifices required of you or anyone else. What if Jesus was not the epitome of specialness but just a man in total adoration.

Anyone at any time can be in total adoration. It is very quiet in total adoration.

This is the purpose of the Lenten desert. Adoration.

I like A Course in Miracles because it is open to all. We all have access to The Teacher.

I have had one of my best running weekends in years. 17 miles of jogging on Saturday and 11 miles of sprint/ walk today. It is true that I had some big mileage last year, but none so well carried out. Today\’s big miracle, beside doing miles the day after a big long run was that the Nimbus 15s are back to feeling good.

My heel is 4.5 months after 6 weeks of non-weight bearing. Slowly, annoying random pains are going away. My arch doesn\’t feel like the inside of a shoe bears a sharp knife edge pointing up. The forward heel spur is manageable. The scar doesn\’t have so many random sharp pains.

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The Un-Special

You know who you are: quietly successful. So quiet, know one knows you are successful. Those others creating drama of either the positive or negative type are causing your success. You can resent them or be grateful; even as you try not to stab them in the back.

That is my fear at the moment. One colleague cannot learn new things, so I am covering for him and helping him. Another colleague is pregnant and no longer allowed into the plant where we work, so I am covering for her and helping her. All of this competence and reliability I have seems to be swelling my ego something fierce. I can hear it up there preening, thinking of quips and quibs which will quietly undermine these two people.

Several weeks ago, a small lump in my breast lead me to believe I might have cancer. Upon medical investigation, I find: no such luck. Then, last week, a strange situation related to menopause lead me to believe I might need major uterine surgery. Upon medical investigation: no such luck. Why do a use the term \”luck\”? Because I think medical issues are the way for the ego to enhance its throne. Mine tried valiantly, but lost.

Why do I say \”lost\”? Because I believe my health is due to my spiritual activities. A Course in Miracles student would know what the text says about health. Course students also know about specialness and littleness; as opposed to looking-beyond and magnificence.

I read blogs by guys who don\’t believe in God, and those who are Christians and those who are ultrarunners. Despite convincing arguments, I find that I must give credit to unadulterated Spirit for my joy.

If I wasn\’t seeking un-specialness, I suppose I\’d let my ego propagandize its way to the top. Instead I do the work and stay away from important people as much as possible. I have a \”real relationship\” which I want alot more than specialness. So, things that are defined as winning in this world are things I don\’t seek. I let the Spirit lead the way. If something seems unfair, it is the ego\’s point of view, not the Spirit\’s point of view. I find peace if I seek the Spirit\’s point of view. The Spirit\’s point of view is call Christ Vision in the ACIM text.

The Holy Spirit\’s vision is no idle gift. Love based thinking is what I really want.

Today I spent 5 hours jog/walking. I\’m about to go spend an hour walking uphill on my treadmill. I\’ll do it again tomorrow. I have a 4 day weekend next weekend, I\’ll spend as much time as I mentally can walking.

Haha, then this unspecial person is off to Germany to give a presentation. Sucks eh?

Again

I have been in Texas a little over 10 months. Just today (Saturday) I realized: my past is over. There may be people in Missouri, Kansas or California who remember me. I work for the same company as when I was last in Kansas City. But I am here now. I am in Texas.

I am not plagued with the quest for enlightenment which drove me both into the convent and out of it; and drove the first 8 years of post monastic life. Enlightenment as a quest is part of the mental programming I somehow received.

Here is Texas, I am free to decide \”whatever.\” I don\’t have to seek God.

This morning (Saturday) I had an unusual thought: start the day from a projection of what I want; not a material want but a way of being.

So it is Sunday morning and I am about to head out for my usual long distance walk. I\’ll use trees today as I slept in and it is hot outside.

But I had a genuine moment of clarity. Life is easy. It is only hard if you see it that way. I have a picture of a chemical plant on this blog for a reason. I like it there. I like my colleagues. I accept a successful career, fitness endeavor, economic outlook. None of this has to be corrupted with religious teachings or even the idea that the other people are bad.

And so, if I accept success, I don\’t have anything to preach about or a soap box to stand on. And so I am free. Free to do miles. Free to be alive.

I am just a girl with a blog. Nothing special.

To Smell The Roses

As I struggle with problems, it is so awesome to me that I have non-painful ways to work out. Gratitude is a wonderful thing.

The gratitude started yesterday evening. Now this morning, I am up early to go to a race: half marathon. It is day one of Seabrook race weekend. Tomorrow is another half marathon. Today\’s number is pinned on and I have on a new green race hat.

The gratitude allows me to balance problems with running and the bigger spiritual picture of what my life is for. I have to go deeper into all my reasons.

Last night, walking uphill on the treadmill with ankle weights, I pondered specialness. Specialness is a topic from a Course in Miracles. Maybe a member of AA would say \”ego deflation at depth.\” In ACIM, it points out that the dream of this world is an attempt to be special to God (religious life is largely based on this); but no one can be special to God. So, the ego hated God and made the dream of this world.

My life is on a journey into less specialness. As I go in races just for fun, my ego is disgusted. My ego is ashamed. My ego is the specialness. But \”I\” am ok with anything. A day of smiling at people is fine with me.

I want to give up specialness. I want the peace of God. God dwells within. I need only look there and give up all else.

Encumbrances…

…burdens or impediments.  For some, austerity is a painful deprivation. For me, it is the letting go of complexity and encumbrances in order to live in the simple light of my soul. 


Most of my encumbrances are in my mind. They can be called unrecognized beliefs, and the ego\’s desire for specialness. Specialness causes me to carry out a war in my mind against all others. This war consists of attack thoughts whose purpose is to see me as better than everyone else and promote others worseness. I think I need to do this for my safety because I don\’t recognize my true position in the real world.


The world I see is a world of encumbrances. The real world is just the light and peace of God; silent and benignly peaceful. My ego would never want this; so it devised another world where it could be special and reign over peace.


What an annoying pain I have made for my self by choosing the ego\’s world over the real world. My shadow is unrecognized beliefs; which control my life and cause me to seek specialness.


I can choose again.

My Legacy

I always wanted to \”be somebody.\”

Steven Covey drilled it into my young mind: I should leave a legacy. We are trained to be achievers. Everyone aspires to be the boss.

The nuns get to be Sister Somebody, holy and validated. I really wanted to be a mystic and thought you had to be a monk. I got kicked out of the monastery and told to be a monk in the world. As such the struggles of the workplace have become part of my contemplation.

This is my problem. In my life right now, I am an athlete, an engineer and a solitary spiritualist. Which one of these things is going to be amazing?

This is specialness at it\’s finest: the one thing I want is to be special. Especially because it makes me better than everyone else.

I have no high powered theology or \”spin\” to make this all better. It is just as well I admit it once again: just be.

The pursuit of inner peace, mental quiet, as the goal of my life, the highest achievement available to me produces a painful agony and unendurable hopelessness in some portion of my emotional system. The goal of peace instigates irrational action and insidious subterfuge on the part of the one who wants to be great. This inner angst is the emotional system I face every day.

No wonder I spend half the time thinking I\’m a worthless piece of crap and the a moment later, I am nurtured in the mental quiet and at peace with my being. I have not found an escape route. I want to break the pattern of my thinking. That\’s the thing. In solitude, and if practiced intentionally, you see your thoughts. You become aware of what is going on in your head. The negativity is amazing. But I can choose. Its a matter of remembering not to believe the lies.

I wrote the above last evening. This morning, I found myself filled with the quiet determination to connect with my soul. See, when I get quiet and listen to the silent voice within, all is well.