Thanksgiving – Ultra Monk’s Essays

On the Meaning of Life – Thanksgiving Day 2021

Before meditating in the morning, I pray for an intuitive thought, inspiration or decision. I have been reading Spinoza, an Enlightenment Period philosopher, hence pondering his philosophy of God and the human mind. Well, I’m always reading and pondering God and human consciousness; and I have been occupied with this for the past 40 years. I’m always wondering why God created me. What idea did God have since I don’t consider myself a necessary being, or a great contributor to humanity?

This morning, in meditation, I thought, “I get to choose the meaning of my life!” An emphatic thought!!! A strong feeling of inspiration filled me. Coming out of meditation, I wrote this:

God is the meaning of my life. I get to choose the meaning of my life and I choose God. Or, it is to say, “In the beginning was The Word,” The Word who is the created, animated, essence of God (reference the Gospel of John, 1.1). I am, no less than The Word, in God and of God. So I can, no less than The Word, contemplate God and the essence of God with my essence, my existence, and all my being.

John 1.1: “In the beginning was the Word: the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him, all things came into being…” Unless one has studied scripture, one might not have heard of The Logos. Logos means Word, the Word of God, or principle of divine reason and creative order, identified in the Gospel of John with the second person of the incarnate God.

Pondering The Word, I can feel the divine idea permeating me and I can feel my non-physical being (soul) very vividly. I can sit and feel the extension of my physical self into the spiritual realm and the extension of consciousness throughout all creation.

The long form of the twelfth tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous says, “…we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all.” That is my ethos, my meaning and my gift to you who read this on Thanksgiving Day 2021.

Run-cation day 7

Yesterday, I ran two whole laps of the Seabrook trails. If you go around the outside of all 3 parks, Meador/ Pine Gully/ Friendship, you get 8.8 miles per lap. This is the first time I\’ve done the complete circuit twice. Usually, I run more laps of a smaller loop.

That got me up to 88 miles in 6 days.

Today, I got out of bed whenever. For spiritual study, I read both some of A Course in Miracles and some of Brunton. I had planned to just walk today and I was going to do it in Brummerhop park. But, I started off with a full hour of running in El Lago so I could take my first pit stop at home. Then, I loaded up my Nathan and went across the street to Brummerhop park. I did 40 laps of Brummerhop. So the total for the day was 19 miles. For 7 days: 107 miles and 27 hours (includes cross training).

Of course, I spend all this time thinking. Today, my mind traveled back and forth between this world and not-this-world. When I was being conscious, I directed my thoughts toward the World Idea, seeking and listening to something bigger than myself. When I was not watching, my mind was busy trying not to hate someone at work, and rationalizing / fictionalizing why I don\’t participate in holidays.

Today is a holiday in the US. I don\’t participate in it. I am ethically and morally against this day\’s activities, so I don\’t participate.

This does not mean I am ungrateful. In fact, I\’m grateful every day for a number of spiritual gifts.

My loops around Brummerhop are very small. Obviously, it is not an adventure run. It is a run designed on purpose to be nothing but time on the feet; and plenty of space to work on the mind. Today, after 38 laps (which came after a 4.8 mile run), at about mile 18.5 on the day, I finally got the answer to why I spend my vacation running, and not doing something exciting. It is because I actually am nobody, even nobody special. At that thought, I became peaceful and happy. Any resentment I have is suddenly released as I took the lower place in society.

I am always happier when, from my heart, I believe that I am nobody. Perfect.

Thanksgiving Day 9

So sad. Everything is ready for going back to work tomorrow. I finished off my vacation with a 16.6 mile jog on Seabrook trails. It was a warm Texas day. I enjoyed the heat.

For my vacation (9 days), I got 156.x miles and 42 total hours of workout (includes cross training).

I had a moment of healing today. Might be difficult to explain. Think about the Catholic Church as an institution which brain washes people to believe what the hierarchy says. Now think of a religious order as a super cult contained within this brainwashing organization. Think of the \”formation\” process used on aspirants as 24/7 brainwashing.

That is what I\’ve been trying to heal from for the past 11 years. See, before the monastery, I got along well with other people around me. I had friends. I went to coffee with other ladies and enjoyed their company. Post monastery, I\’ve felt that everything about other people is wrong.

Today, I went to a ladies AA meeting (I usually go to this meeting), and I listened to a lady celebrating 25 years talk from the podium. And then I listened to several others talk about themselves. Suddenly, looking at all the nice ladies in the room, for the first time since leaving the convent, I thought, \”What if the nuns were wrong?\” I thought, well maybe I can heal from monastic \”formation.\”

Then, coming home, I looked on the sister\’s FB page and saw that they now have these traditional habits. They look horrible. People on the outside of a convent don\’t know what is going on inside. It is a mystery, but the mystique makes the holy appearance. Wearing a black habit or saying prayers all day doesn\’t make a person special to God.

Any AA can confirm that spiritual awakenings occur with regularity among AA members. We are so blessed to see spiritual awakenings happen and experience them our selves. Nothing is more holy.

I sure hope that I soon heal from my monastic brain washing and that I will be able to enjoy the company of the people around me without judging them.

For the Record

Whenever I have days off from work, I also have the idea that somewhere in the silence and miles, a spiritual break through will occur.

Something at least note worthy did happen this morning. A few weeks ago, I read Sam Harris\’ book \”Waking Up.\” It annoyed me when he has long explanations about \”…this self is nowhere to be found…\” or \”…the self does not survive scrutiny…the feeling of being a thinker of thoughts inside one\’s head…\” or \”…look closely for what you are calling \”I\”, and the feeling of being a separate self will disappear…\”

I finally realized my confusion this morning. What Mr Harris calls \”I\” is what A Course in Miracles calls ego. What Mr Harris finds beyond the \”I\” is what A Course in Miracle calls Self.

I need to stop beating myself up with other people\’s techniques and experiences. Because, yes in fact, I am able to look between the thoughts. The fact that there is no emotion or objective sense of enlightenment is what makes it real. The problem is that the stream of thoughts called ego doesn\’t approve and can\’t use the silence. My ego most emphatically wants an objective and be able to lay a claim, \”I did this,\” or \”I am that.\” A Course in Miracles explains all this. I now understand that Mr Harris is saying the same but in words from his experience.

I realize that my frustration is an ego function. The Self between the thoughts never cared about this. It was my ego who read other\’s experiences of enlightenment and judged itself less than for not having had such a wonderful experience. My ego says that God doesn\’t love me because I can\’t point to some fabulously engaging emotional experience called enlightenment. I have endless difficulties with this ego; but any moment of silence produces calm. Living from the calm is what ACIM teaches.

Is my intuition my Self speaking? Is there a Spirit which is not Self? Personally, I believe that if there is a Self, then there is a Creator. ACIM gives the Spirit as a communication medium. Obviously, many books are written on this subject. What matters to me is intuitive thoughts.

For any who thought I missed Thanksgiving Day 7, I\’ll just mention that I had a nice jog outside in the park. I went to an AA meeting. I had another nice workout indoors which included strength training. Today, I will do an indoor workout. My feet and legs feel good, but I also feel like keeping them that way. Cross training, development of durability, will be most important for the next 7 months; or indeed for the next 30 years.

For any who wondered about what I said regarding philosophy studies and writing essays. The \”teacher\” replied that he got tired of grading student essays and has stopped doing it. So it won\’t be learning to write essays that sharpens my thinking. Maybe that was never necessary since it was really the unproductive Silence that I need more.

Thanksgiving Day 6

Don\’t you think it is funny that someone who doesn\’t participate in Thanksgiving has 9 days of blogs entitled Thanksgiving? Today is THE actual day. I have 9 days of gratitude because it is so precious that I ever get a week off work.

Today I was clearly tired from my 30 miles yesterday. Nothing was damaged so I went for an 11.2 mile, 3 hour walk. That went really well. I was pleased with the walking speed and that nothing felt injured. But also, I couldn\’t jog at all. No bounce in my steps. So, I know what day 2 of my 55 hour multi-day race will feel like.

I\’ve had extra time today to think about a potential project. A few days ago, I thought about the word \”essay.\” It struck me as a technical term and a specific type of highly thoughtful writing. I wondered if learning more about how to write an essay and then applying my mind to the practice could improve my thinking. By improve I mean depth I guess. I\’d like to think with more depth and wisdom. Reading Plotinus has shown me what depth could be. The engineer in me thinks of this idea as a solvable problem. It doesn\’t require God or enlightenment. Just study, do the work, learn, succeed.

I found an online philosophy course. Mainly, you study written materials and then write an essay on one of the questions. You can then submit the essay and have a mentor critique it.

In relation to Thanksgiving, I\’ve noticed that the topic of working in soup kitchens is a dogma for a good thing to do. Helping others is often touted as making something good out of your life. I think for me, training my thinking would be a way to add value to my life. Writing a good essay, even if unrecognized, would be a metaphysical triumph.

Thanksgiving Day 5

I did it!

I had the alarm set for 5:30 and I easily got up. If you make it out of bed, your chances of a long run go way up. I already had all my drinks mixed and in the fridge. So after spiritual study, I went to the park. Got started a 6:47. Finished about 2:25 which includes the pit stops. Time moving forward was 7h14min for 30 miles.

Laps went really well being 11 minutes each. Overall, I had numerous short stops and lost about 3 minutes per hour or so. I was chilly at first but warmed up very nice. Totally clear day with a breeze. Some boys were playing in the park most of the day. After about 6 hours, they tried to play a trick on me, but I had already seen them do that to a car so I called them on it. They laughed and one of them gave me a thumbs up. I was sort of honored to be thought worthy of a shenanigan. Then a little while later, Mr Thumbs Up came over on his bicycle and talked to me. He said I reminded them of Forest Gump and they thought I must be breaking a world\’s record for jogging.

I can survive 30 miles on gatorade, accelerade, soy milk, mountain dew, fig bars and apples. Only blister problem on the big toes. Heel and knee did really well and I wasn\’t wearing any tape on the knee.

To be honest, it is pretty freak\’n awesome that I have the mental fortitude to do 40 laps by myself. But it seemed to go by pretty fast.

Honestly, I\’ve been dreaming of this accomplishment since about March when I signed up for the 55 hour race. Its huge that I did it.

Here is my aid station parked at the library:

Here is what 30 miles looks like on fitbit:

There will be no alarm clock tomorrow; but I will do some walking just to show myself I can.

Thanksgiving Day 4

Well, rest day. I slept in and then lolly gagged buying running shoes at an early black Friday sale. I also was musing about whether it would be possible to get a philosophy degree on-line. I found an interesting philosophy page which discussed the writing of essays. Reminds me that this blog is very bad in regards to organized thought. I had a nice spiritual study and then made it to the trail at 10:20.

My ACIM lesson was, \”I am in danger nowhere in the world.\” I wasn\’t really clicking with this lesson until I sat quietly. Then it came to me: I am always wrapped in Love\’s embrace.\” And this is what I took with me to the trail. Today, I remembered my garmin and everything. I decided to go to a small loop and be sure to measure it. Yes, it is 0.75 miles. So this loop will be my mental training loop for the 55 hour race over New Years.

Today, I was clearly not interested in long hours of miles. I was thinking alot about my pacing and timing for the 55 hour race. I decided that a good experiment would be for me to try at least one day, if not two days, of 40 laps on this 0.75 mile loop. I thought tomorrow and Thursday would be good. So I kept today short, just 2 hours.

Consequently, the groceries, the car wash, the AA meeting and the house cleaning got done. The AA meeting was about drinking and holidays. I kept quiet since I don\’t want to discuss my particular outlook on holiday activities. As a general rule, for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, it is assumed that you must participate. If you have no family then you should join another gathering or volunteer at a soup kitchen. If you don\’t participate then you are not grateful. Christmas is worse. You must participate in the \”reason for the season\” or you are a scrooge and ungrateful to God.

My radical plan for Thanksgiving is to walk around a park 40 times.

Also, I started a new book on the philosophy of Dune. It is an easy read and interesting. Combined with Plotinus and my general yearning for depth of thought and spirituality, I again muse about the nature of life. Do I think at all? I see that my mind is often caught up in resentments. I can think about something else whenever I realize I need to. That is a practice of solitude.

I first heard of \”solitaries\” about 2 years before entering the monastery. After leaving the monastery, I continued to pursue solitude. I don\’t know what I will find here. I don\’t know if only gaining solitude on nights and weekends is enough. I stand outside the tribe. This is my contemplation.

Thanksgiving Day 3

I got up when the alarm went off. Very good.

Then, I was studying Plotinus\’ Ennead 6.1.x. And this is what is interesting for me about Plotinus. I have Bachelor\’s and Master\’s degrees in engineering, but no where in my studies did philosophy appear. So when Plotinus starts a topic like \”Existents\” I am fascinated. I\’m not sure about the spirituality of it, but certainly it teaches me to think deeper.

I\’m not here going to teach philosophy. But here is an interesting sentence. Yes, I had to read before and will read more after. But it is a gem which doesn\’t seem to occur elsewhere in my contemplation: \”Supposing we grant that all things known as substances are homogeneous as possessing something denied to the other genera, what precisely is this something, this individuality, this subject which is never a predicate, this thing not present in any thing as in a subject, this thing which does not owe its essential character to any other thing, as a quality takes character from a body and a quantity from a substance, as time is related to motion and motion to the moved?\”

And then I went to the park for running. First off, while I had a full hydropak, I forgot the bag with the garmin and the hats/glasses. I had another hat and glasses in the car and decided to do a loop I knew the length of. I had no idea how long I\’d go. I guess at most until the hydropak ran out. I ran a 2.5 mile loop from the gazebo to Pine Gully and back. It was a beautiful day. I got to look at Galveston Bay every loop. I saw smoke coming from something, but nothing in the news about it. I\’m still blowing my nose alot from my cold last week.

Most interesting for contemplation. An old man and woman. She with a scooter walker. On it was a folding chair. Then were very slowly walking from the parking lot. I think I passed them 3 times; until the forth time, they had stopped and put the chair for him at the boardwalk. She was sitting on the scooter walker. It was a nice sunny place with a nice view. It brought to mind that essential quality of the life force which is present in some humans, causing them to bother to creep out to that location and sit down.

I ended up with 20.6 miles in 5 hours.

Then I came home to shower and eat. I lay on the bed resting and reading for a short while. But, felt fine to go run an errand, eat again and then walk on the treadmill another 90 minutes.

Why do I bother with all this exercise? I\’m training my mind to keep going.

What is unfortunate is I need to find time to wash my car; perhaps on Wednesday when it is supposed to be warm.

Thanksgiving Day 2

I slept late today since I didn\’t set an alarm. A little tougher to work in so many hours of workout if you sleep through a couple of hour of it. Then before going running, I decided to take care of a small administrative matter for work. Then, not knowing how long I wanted to run, I had to mix up drinks and fill bottles before being ready. So pretty late getting to the park.

But wow, what a fantastic day. Totally sunny breezy and not that hot. Well, 80F is not that hot for Texas. I got in 4 hours / 17.4 miles.

My Course in Miracles lesson was: \”This day belongs to God. It is my gift to Him.\” I had my mind tuned to this lesson during most of my run.

I had to stop because of time and running out of drinks and because the beans in the crock pot at home needed to be turned off. I make beans every Sunday in the crock pot. I love a bowl of fresh beans.

After a brief rest, I went to an AA meeting. This didn\’t turn out that well. A lady was there with her baby. And the activities around playing with the baby got too distracting for me to pay attention to the speakers. So I moved to the other side of the room. I suppose this upset the mother. So she packed up and left. I\’m sorry she did that just because I didn\’t want to watch her baby so I moved. Oh well.

Now of course, it is time for me to manage my mind. This is now a Course in Miracles moment. Do I listen to my brain yell at me about how guilty I am or do I give this to Jesus and look beyond to the heart of Christ. I glanced at tomorrow\’s Lesson: \”Today I will judge nothing that occurs.\” Perfect for right now.

The TED radio hour was on quiet. A guy on there didn\’t speak for 17 years. And he walked around the world. He did communicate with signs. Not speaking is not the same as silence.

My ego yells at me and at the world almost all the time; unless I\’m engaged deeply in my work, reading a good book, or actively managing my thoughts including silencing them. Tomorrow\’s lesson is perfect for talking back to my brain and stopping it\’s yelling.

At least half of my spiritual practice is related to dealing with the yelling mind.

This evening, I did another elliptical workout and a free weight workout.

Just a little over 5 hours today. What am I doing? Well, to complete any of my upcoming endurance events, it is enough to walk jog 20 or so miles and then walk for another 10 or 20 miles. So, having one long walk jog in the morning and following that with cross training in the afternoon fills the bill without undue pounding on the legs. I feel energized at the end of the day instead of exhausted.

My goal tomorrow is merely to get out of bed at the alarm. After that, something will happen and there will be time.

Thanksgiving Day 1

I have 9 days off work. I don\’t have any plans exactly. That is, I am not driving to any races. I don\’t celebrate holidays so no TG gathering. In fact, Thanksgiving is almost the mother of all worst cases for a vegetarian. Billions of turkeys slaughtered so Americans can overeat one more day. Drink to much and fight with eachother. Then take naps in front of the TV where a football game is on.

No thanks. I\’ll stay alone.

I\’ve been reading some books on the environment and tribal outlook that Jesus must have been born and raised in. And about how Paul most certainly had a brand of Christianity very different than Jesus. The book I\’ve been reading most recently is well written. But I realized this morning that I don\’t need any more information on that topic. I put it aside and wondered what I should do.

The idea of Plotinus came into my mind. I hadn\’t finished the Enneads. I had been much edified by Plotinus philosophy. So I got the book out and started where I left off.

Plotinus Ennead 5.9.7: \”Knowledge in the reasoning soul is on the one side concerned with objects of sense, though indeed this can scarcely be called knowledge and is better indicated as opinion or surface-knowing; it is of later origin than the objects since it is a reflection from them: but on the other hand there is the knowledge handling the intellectual objects and this is the authentic knowledge; it enters the reasoning soul from the Intellectual-Principle and has no dealing with anything in sense. Being true knowledge it actually is everything of which it takes cognisance; it carries as its own content the intellectual act and the intellectual object since it carries the Intellectual-Principle which actually is the primals and is always self-present and is in its nature an Act, never by any want forced to seek, never acquiring or traversing the remote- for all such experience belongs to soul- but always self-gathered, the very Being of the collective total, not an extern creating things by the act of knowing them.

Not by its thinking God does God come to be; not by its thinking Movement does Movement arise. Hence it is an error to call the Ideas intellections in the sense that, upon an intellectual act in this Principle, one such Idea or another is made to exist or exists. No: the object of this intellection must exist before the intellective act [must be the very content not the creation of the Intellectual-Principle]. How else could that Principle come to know it: certainly not [as an external] by luck or by haphazard search.\”

I must have read this 10 times. But something clicked in my mind which I can hardly explain. For a few moments, I had an entire understanding of God and oneness. It was awesome.

So then I went out for a short jog. I hadn\’t planned much today. It was supposed to rain, and I am getting over the sniffles, so I didn\’t think I\’d do much. I had a delightful slow jog of 7 miles for 90 minutes. The morning was very fresh. I loved it.

Coming home, I changed clothes and headed out to an AA meeting. I have 29 years of sobriety but still think AA meetings are fantastic. I am so grateful for my lovely attitude.

When I got home, I started workout number 2. This was an indoor cross training workout. 15 minutes on exercise bike. 15 min on elliptical. 15 min galloping sideways back and forth on the step platform. 15 min on the Nordic Track. 15 min on the Versa Climber. 45 minutes durability. Durability means something like circuit training employing weights and 2 floors. At the bottom of the stairs, I did one arm squat lift bends with a 20 lb kettle bell and pushups. On the second floor I did tricep dips and heel raises. I carried 2 x 10 lb olympic plates each time I went up or down the stairs. I don\’t know how many circuits I did in 45 minutes. I finished off with 15 min of rowing.

I\’m sure those durability workouts, and cross training in general, will be my life saver when it comes to doing a 6 day expedition in Utah next summer.

Then I ate and read a book for a little. Then I walked uphill on the treadmill for another 90 minutes.

Here is what all that looks like according to fitbit:

The chart shows calories instead of steps because rowing and biking don\’t give any steps.5.5 hours today.

Is this training necessary? No, of course not. I just like it.