Morning Report

I got up at 3:30 and studied until 4:30. Then I fiddled with the new lap top: turning off Windows Messenger (I think it interfered with start up), and registering for my free Windows 7 upgrade.

Then I lifted weights. I thought the thunderstorms were hours to the west…not. After 30 minutes of low impact walk/jog, I came home drenched. I went to the treadmill for thirty minutes and then the rain had let up so I went back outside for 40 minutes.

My ankle doesn\’t hurt. But I am babying it with low impact and paved surfaces because I don\’t trust it. Also, the quad on the opposite side is still screaming as it bore the brunt of favoring the ankle during the race. The ankle was less swollen after a little exercise.

But I think my ultra career will no longer be carried out on trails. The romance of trails will be beyond me. I am not a tarahumara, but a Kansas plodder. That ankle has been tricky since I was a teenager; so I need to face facts. It is weak and no special trail shoes (outside of high tops) will help. Hummm, I wonder if those cheap high tops we wore for basketball as kids are still available. 😉

I sought ultrarunning for the transcendence of it. I still seek transcendence. It will have to be found in a solitary venue; running around the park with no particular reward and no witnesses.

If I am lucky, the next few days are supposed to be cool and I can head out for a long low impact run on the flat dirt. Dang…I just love this. I don\’t know why. It is not as if there is no associated pains or fatigue; and no bright lights of nirvana.


Extreme Existence

Pictures by Dick Ross at the Psycho Psummer trail run. I can\’t believe I sprained my ankle and then ran another 15 miles or so on it!
Today I got up at 3:30 for ACIM study. I lifed weights at 4:30 and went walking with a little jogging for 70 minutes. It felt good to be out in the early morning and have mucho time to do what I want the rest of the day. My sprained ankle is a little swollen but pain free when I baby it.


The word extreme came to mind as I was out walking this morning. I have been practicing the extremes in several areas of my life for several years. Now that I am not employed, I plan to stretch myself. You see, it is about transcendence. I fully believe humans need to learn to live and love at a different level than we currently are. We need to learn to really be only spirit, not spirits having human experiences. I use the Course in Miracles as my text book. I also practice \”not-going-along\” with society. I practice doing things different. It is not a mystery that extreme sports appeared on the scene a few years ago. It was a symptom of young people knowing we need to live at a different level. I do things like fasting, ultrarunning, meditation, silence, solitude, early morning vigils, no TV, no status symbols on my clothes, having tremendous amounts of time when I am NOT busy, etc. These things shift my reality to an extreme.
Here is a story. When I was six or so, my parents left me in ski school for the day. The instructor took the class up the rope tow. I\’m not sure what he said at the top of the hill. When it came my turn, I headed down to get some speed and attempted a turn and fell. I remember the teacher trying to tell me to follow his snow plow. But I already knew how to snow plow and wanted to parallel ski. So I got mad and refused to follow him. I crashed alot, but finally taught myself to parallel ski. Parallel skiing is a different level than snow plowing. At some point, we need to learn the next thing.
The same is true for the level at which most of us live our reality. I\’m trying to transcend the normal mode of human life and normal modes of perception. They don\’t work and they don\’t make me happy. I want to live closer to the God design. I haven\’t yet found a teacher except Jesus in my mind. So I crash alot.
Reality, including my body, really is an illusion. The world I see really is a product of my projection and perception. So I seriously spend a good deal of time on changing my thinking. I, and all of us, are really just light, just ideas of love in the mind of God. Light does not need to do anything. I am serious about this. I have one face-to-face friend who I consider to be making this same effort. I have a couple of internet friends who I think are making the same effort. But the vast majority of \”spiritual\” people I know are just playing. Hence, I don\’t discuss this very much with real people. I am polite and nice but mainly just listen.

Spirit Flower’s Personal Self Transcendence Race, day 12

Day 12 walk/jog: 13.5 miles

Race mileage total (walk/jog and walking): 198 miles

Today I did it again. I thought that because yesterday was 20 miles in one jog/walk then I should ease up today. So I went to the park thinking I’d only stay about 2 to 2 ½ hours. I took only water, 1 S-cap and the 1 emergency Gu. After a brisk 30 minutes walking warm up, I felt ok. It was warm and probably 100% humidity because there was this fog everywhere. As it lightened up, the fog added a mystery to my run; the mystery of why and the mystery of ability.

Today’s lesson: Only my condemnation injures me. My early morning meditation had been about fear. I saw clearly how at least 90% of my thoughts are fear related, even down to fear of running injuries. I thought about how I myself had told someone that joy was the best injury prevention. I surely believe that thinking proceeds occurrence and my fear thoughts could be holding a running injury or running out of money due to unemployment. I realized that I wasn’t completely trusting the Holy Spirit; yet there I was completing another long run for the 12th day in a row when I previously had not had the capability. “Something” is showing me.

Then, the lesson kicked in. Is it not a wonderfully joyful thought: just stop condemning and I will stop injuring myself? It crossed my mind that I was out there on water alone, pretty much, so my source could only be Source. This is true: Source is source and nothing else. I thought about how the calorie count has gone down the past few days and wonder if I’m not switching more and more to Source as my source.

I am in a Personal Self Transcendence Race. I am not training for some future event. My race is going on right now. Transcendence is really a mental thing. That is, thinking some other way, with some non-ego part of the mind, under the Guidance of the Holy Spirit. If I change my thinking, I’ll see different things in my ego illusion I think is a real world. I really think that most human thought is not productive but especially harmful when it comes to each other. I personally am changing the way I think because I’m really sick of thinking attack thoughts and fear thoughts. Given the proper teaching and guidance and discipline and desire, thinking can be changed. The ultra-retreat is a race to change my thinking. Since I am not at work, I have time to work almost exclusively on this. The race takes place in the park with incredible daily mileage and on the internet with every search and submittal. It takes place when I listen to the news and when I sit on my cushion in silent meditation. I’ve been given a gift of time to do this race.

Most people think they are out of work due to the economic downturn. On the ego surface of my life, that is the excuse I use too. But inside my heart, I am sure I was given a gift, picked as it were, to spend time in intensive mental change. Source must be my source. The Holy Spirit must be my guide and friend in whom I trust. I am switching from an ego based thought system to the Holy Spirit’s thought system. In the spiritual thought system, God is only Love; every one is a creation of Love and nothing else (no matter what my worldly eyes see). I am free to behold the glory of Christ present everywhere.

After 2:10 hours, I still felt really good. I re-filled the Nathan with park water and took the emergency Gu and went for another 45 minute lap. If I had brought one more S-cap, I might have dared another lap.

Ultra retreat – Day 11, Awakening

Today’s lesson: It can be but my gratitude I earn.

I started off not knowing what this meant saying to Jesus, “gratitude confuses me.” Then I thought, “I blame ACIM for my unemployment.” That is, ACIM (A Course in Miracles) breaks the ego world’s rules, so the world punished me by having me laid off. I fear being in the world but outside it’s rules.

But Jesus says the world is grateful to me for the salvation work I’m doing. Here begins awakening: What if I changed my mind and decided the world was grateful to me for learning ACIM?

I became belligerent against my ego. Job or no job, the world is an illusion. Just dismiss the ego. Stop listening. Stop believing in it. Decide I don’t know what this situation is for. Here occurred an actual fluttering of eyelids to the light of the real world (not the ego world): What if I didn’t do anything wrong? What if nobody did anything wrong? This is self (ego) transcendence at its finest. It is the reason I came to my personal self transcendence race.

What if Self/Christ really is grateful for my attempts to awaken? Why was this an awakening? Because my thought about not doing anything wrong came spontaneously from inside a part of my mind which is not the ego part of my mind. I believe it to be a real thought, not an ego thought. It is the sort of thought that questions the ego propaganda about my body and this world being real and God hating me. Questioning the ego, with heartfelt authenticity, is the beginning of the end for the ego. It doesn’t have unquestioned power over my thinking and the Holy Spirit now does have influence.

Its like this: I think I am a piece of crap. Now, most people tell me that is silly. I’m nice and fun and smart and spiritual; and I shouldn’t think that. Last November when I was depressed, I can’t tell you how many fellowship members told me not to kill myself because they come early on Saturday mornings just to hear me! But I do think I am a piece of crap, and no matter what people say, I still think I’m a piece of crap. Thinking I am a piece of crap is insane thinking; and it is clearly ego thinking. The ego clearly wants me to think that. But…suddenly one day…what if I honestly asked the question: what if I’m not a piece of crap? Wouldn’t that change things? Well, yes it would. It has dawned on me that I might not be a piece of crap. In the same way, Jesus\’ teaching from ACIM dawns on me: what if I\’m not really a separate being?

Jesus in ACIM tells us over and over: the separation never happened, you are only love, God is only love, this world is an illusion made by the ego that thinks it is separate from God. But until you are able to ask the question from deep in your heart instead of at a superficial, what Jesus says will more or less bounce off. Until I’m ready to honestly consider the possibility that I haven’t done anything wrong; hence there is no separation and I’ve accepted Atonement for myself, I can listen to Jesus but won\’t really believe him. I come to a place of joy: maybe I’m accepting Atonement for myself. Jesus says that the one responsibility of the miracle worker is to accept Atonement for themselves. What if I really can? I have evidence: I honestly questioned my ego.

What if my experience of world really is a bad dream and the truth about me is that I exist as pure love in the Heart of God who is also only pure love, pure existence? Seriously, what if that is true?

All is quiet. All is love. Peace be with you.

Off topic thought: I may actually be able to have a reality with no visible means of support and live as a full time hermit and metaphysicist. Talk about being outside the ego world\’s rules, this is way outside.

New topic: Personal Self Transcendence Race – Day 11 (wow!)

Today was a breakthru.

First, yesterday was not a breakthru. I was tired and wondering if my ultra retreat was not silly and I should do something else. I had a sore ankle (of all things) and decided to slack off. That meant, I walked the first two hours of my 14 mile jog/walk. I took it back to the hilly course because it was mostly dirt. Then in the afternoon, we had a torrential storm when I wanted to go for my walk so I walked on the tm for an hour.

Today, I woke up feeling great. I went back to the hilly course and jogged much more than yesterday. I thought I was feeling good enough to maybe go for five hours tomorrow, but after 3:40 hours today (already longer than I\’ve been doing) I still felt good. I had a bottle of water to refill my nathan and one Gu (my emergency Gu) to \”pay\” for another 50 minutes. So…lets do it. I ended up with 20 miles (6 miles more than I have been doing).

This week, I decided to stop using Gu and Sports drink because it was too expensive and too wasteful. So I went to water, pb and honey sandwiches and 1 S-cap electrolyte. This has been working well. I use up about 2 liters of water for 3 1/2 hours.

I am doing this crazy multi-day run for self transcendence. I\’ve had many interesting mental breakthrus. That I went farther today means that maybe my fitness is building and my project is headed in the right direction.

Ultra-retreat – 4, evening

It is a question on my mind: Why am I doing this? Who do I think I am? Am I not just ruining myself?

Well, yes: First, I am unemployed and happily collecting a government handout, so for the first time I have time! Second, I have been intrigued for several years by the 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race. Those runners develop endurance during the first several days, that sustains them to go 50 to 70 miles a day until they finish the distance.

I want to see what I can do! I want to see what will happen to me. I want to know what I think about. I want to get to the root and ground of my being. I hope to build up to 20 miles a day (5 hours of jog or walk). Then, how long? I don\’t know yet.

Besides the running, I am spending time in spiritual study and meditation; and mostly alone. I run the ragged edge of complete stupidity and glorious transcendental experience. Who knows where I will fall off.

I went for a 40 minute walk this evening. After about 20 minutes, the brilliance of wordless communication illuminated my consciousness.

My ultra-retreat: I intend to destroy, to de-construct my self. That is, return to and become that primitive psyche which ought not be disclosed publicly by the responsible manager of a corporation. The so-called primitive is what I yearn for: cleansed, purely good, pristinely elegant, de-conditioned, peaceful and free.

If I look now, having spent the day on my lesson (I choose the joy of God instead of pain), the most painful thing I can imagine is the educated, obedient, properly religious mind which has been so sought after. This zombie like citizen was the only offer made. It is not me. It is worthless.

To be a full time ultra-runner is to be contemplative. To face the silence of contemplation is to let go of all limits, everything but IT, Life, Self. And then take one more small step further, across the gap…disappearing into…

Ultra Retreat – 4

From ACIM Text Ch 4.VII

– The ego is the part of the mind that believes your existence is defined by separation (from God).

– The part of the mind that is spirit: is in complete and direct communication with its Creator; the mind cannot totally lose the ability to communicate (with God), even though it may refuse to utilize it on behalf of being.

– You are asked to live so as to demonstrate that you are not an ego.

– I (Jesus) will direct you to wherever you can be truly helpful, and to whoever can follow my guidance through you.

– The Holy Spirit is in your right mind…I (Jesus) can bring Him to you only at your invitation. The higher mind thinks according to the laws spirit obeys, and therefore honors only the laws of God.

– If you can accept the concept that the world is one of ideas, the whole belief in the false association(s) the ego makes (illusions)…is gone.

Monday, I jog/walked 14 miles and walked 4 in the afternoon. On Tuesday, I jog/walked 10 miles and walked 4 in the afternoon. On Wednesday, I jog/walked 14 miles and bagged the afternoon walk due to an electrical storm. Today, Thursday, I jog/walked 14 miles and I don’t know what the afternoon holds.

I am having a private self transcendence race. Transcendence is the point of all this exercise. My mind, my desire, for a couple of days has been on some key points:
a) I want to connect with the part of the mind that is spirit, instead of ego.
b) I want to shift the ideas and thoughts I am using to make the world (including my body).
c) I want to totally rely on Jesus’ guidance and care. In fact, it is a huge relief to me that I can let Jesus handle everything.

When I am out running, I am practicing my ACIM thoughts and lessons. Yesterday’s lesson was a tough one for me: “I feel the love of God within me now.” It was tough because I was in my ego mind and my ego mind can’t connect with God. I felt no love as far as I could tell physically. My ego mind was really hammering me about the job situation. I could repeat the lesson to keep my mind at least off fear; but I kept wondering about the blank wall I seemed to have between me and God. Later in the day, I got an unexpected call from out of the blue, which could lead to a new job. I considered how I felt to have someone care for me like that. I had to say, “Wow! I need do nothing. Love cares for me.” During the phone call, I felt the Love of God.

My job is to direct my thoughts towards spirit and not ego. Other than that, Jesus will guide me to a future employment which is his choice, not mine.

Today’s lesson is “I choose the joy of God instead of pain.” The prayer that goes with it is, “Pain is my own idea. It is not a Thought of God, but one I thought apart from Him and from His Will. His Will is joy, and only joy for His beloved Son. And that I choose, instead of what I made.

My mind has been at peace today. I am not worried. I want to continue my self transcendence race. I want to continue building my fitness, mentally and spiritually. I want to reformulate the ideas I am using to make the world and my body. I can do this with Jesus’ guidance. And, spending the time on this, investing in myself, is quite possibly the reason I was laid off.

It seems quite easy today to look at what I am thinking and decide if it is pain. If it is pain, then I give it to Jesus and instead think about the lesson: choose joy. The Universe, Jesus, Self, Whatever Name, seems to care for me. All through my life, I’ve had experiences which were out of my logical planning and which helped me. Today is no different.

My job is to be in the self transcendence race. I want to live in a world which makes no logical sense; because it is purely love and created by spirit, not my ego.

Ultra-retreat – 1

I got up with the alarm at 4. It is rainy today so I don’t know how the workouts will go.

Prayer for lesson 207: “God’s blessing shines upon me from within my heart, where He abides. I need but turn to Him, and every sorrow melts away, as I accept His boundless Love for me.”

From the Text (3.VII.5.5): “Your creation by God is the only Foundation that cannot be shaken, because the light is in it. Your starting point is truth and you must return to your Beginning.”

From the Text (4.I.4.6): If you are willing to renounce the role of guardian of your thought system and open it to me (Jesus), I will correct it very gently and lead you back to God.”

I realize that in undertaking an ultra-retreat, I am going against my ego. My ego is terrified of this and is fearfully shrieking about money. Jesus offers to teach me about Love, about my Beginning; if I am willing to let him. Money is my ball and chain. It is my anchor to thinking the world is real. I live in an ego fabrication where most people work because they think they need money and health insurance. Jesus offers a different world, the world of the spirit where these things are meaningless. Obviously, I don’t know how to live like that, but Jesus offers me a path.

In my ultra-retreat, I am at least giving Jesus a chance. My plan is to essentially un-make my prison and learn a better way. My ego offers terror. Jesus offers Love and escape from terror. The problem is that to follow Jesus, I have to give up my ego thought system. I am willing but I haven’t the ability without Jesus.

It is a self transcendence race.

Return to the Beginning: where I remembered God and lived only in His Love. Surrender to Jesus as my Teacher. Realize that God abides in my heart and spend the time in contemplation necessary to grasp the Great Reality which exists within.

There is a line of thunderstorm approaching my location. It will pass and so will my fear. God Love is the only true reality. It and He is the Beginning which I seek.

Probably more later.

Planning – Eager Anticipation

“The Camera’s eye does not lie. But it cannot show the life within the life of a runner.” W.H. Auden
Here is a short u tube clip showing Suprabha Beckjord, my ultra-idol:

The 3100 mile race begins this weekend. A fascinating coincidence for me: This summer, I\’ll be running my own personal self transcendence race. Well, everyday and every minute is a self transcendence race. In my life, I\’ve been much farther than 3100 miles!

Planned Schedule for self transcendence:
4 to 5:30 Study ACIM and pray
5:30 to 7 or so Write
7 to 11 Exercise
11 to 1 Shower, eat, study
1 to 2 Silent prayer, the hour of power
2 to 3 Write
3 to 4 Chores
4 to 6 Exercise
6 to 9 Eat, write, pray

If you have looked at my planned schedule, you might note tremendous quantities of time devoted either to running or praying (silent contemplation). This morning the question sprung into my mind: What will happen to me mentally and spiritually if I actually carry out this plan? I want to do 30 days, but I might try for more, especially if I remain unemployed.

I am sure I will experience the depths of my being in a new way. The time spent running is also time spent training my mind and disallowing its wandering. Hence, this is time spent directly with the Holy Spirit, listening to non-word teachings.

To do nothing and be nothing other than a runner, silence in motion. The metaphysical possibilities are endless. The only limit is injury management. Injuries are every runner’s limit. My plan is to realize injuries start in the mind and correct them there. In fact, the fear itself is the best place to start. This work delivers a difficult ACIM teaching: I am not a body. I am free. I am still as God created me. I am a thought of love in the Mind of Love; nothing more, and most importantly, nothing less.

Learning to live ACIM is the deepest imaginable devotion to Them (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). To be in intense conscious contact with Jesus day in and day out is a gift and dream like no other.

The New Paradigm Team

The first 30 days of my lay off belong to the Holy Spirit exclusively. We, He and I, need to focus on the level of thoughts and content, not form. I need to learn to decide what to think (ego thoughts or Spirit thoughts) and then guard my thinking. Ultimately, whatever job I take is a mere storefront for my real work as a metaphysicist, a miracle worker. What exactly that is, I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. Content matters. The level of thought matters.

So I will intensely focus on listening to The Teacher and learning quickly. In losing one job, I’ve already been promoted to another. The new one requires a month of intense training.

In deciding to be one of the laid off ones, I’ve joined the team of miracle workers who are shifting the ego world paradigm. We are not going to be doing the same old things and getting the same old results (insanity). The old paradigm team are sitting smug in their good paying jobs and hoping nothing ever changes. I am with the group working on change. We are doing new things in new ways and advancing The Holy Spirit’s agenda in ways previously undreamed of. We are making a new dream. How proud I am to be one of the ones consciously carrying out this work.

I have had to redesign my life before. It helps alot to get up and \”do it.\” Here is my preliminary schedule:

4 to 5:30 Study ACIM and pray
5:30 to 7 or so Write
7 to 11 Exercise
11 to 1 Shower, eat, study
1 to 2 Silent prayer
2 to 3 Chores
3 to 6 Exercise
6 to 9 Eat, write, pray

Monday is my first official day of training. I am working this weekend. The Maryville Marathon is Saturday.

The Dregs

Lost your mojo? Good.
New found poverty? Good.

Time to drink the dregs of your life.
Face ego dissatisfaction.
The spoilt child within has been unseated.
No more is to be had from pleasing it.
It can’t run faster, win another race, finish a longer ultra.
It is done. Christmas is over.

Drink the dregs, soul sickness, acedia, depression.
Explore the dissatisfaction.
Feel the hunger and hate and fear.
Feel deeper into the nothingness than ever.
Feel “tired” and feel “lonely” and feel “sick.”

Don’t turn up the treadmill, put on another sweat suit.
Don’t cancel the outdoor run, go stand in the frigid wind;
Allow Friend Winter to penetrate your soul.
Seek the sweat lodge of the run;
The meditation hall of the crunch.

Go to the liturgy of the dregs:
Drink the senna tea to clean your bowels.
Drink the distilled water to wash your blood of fat and toxins.
Cry your eyes out in your utter worthlessness.
Pay the bills and do the dishes.
Change your diaper.

You are now ready to seek the Inner.
Your ego kudos can no longer satisfy.
Performance and happiness come from Self, Atman, Christ, Buddha, That.
This person within is now your sole support.
Willingness to follow It will get you through the dregs.
The Gift must come from It, not you.

No mojo? Good!