Chronicles – June 17, 2021

RIP dear one

Deer are dear.

Even though I am a somewhat solitary person, a lot can happen in a morning.

In my morning reflection I thought about how it feels to be a writer but never publish a single thing. Is it only in the internet age that a solitary writer would think that they need to publish and also get followers? Why do I bother writing my thoughts in this blog instead of just letting them go? I almost vowed to stop blogging, until just now when the urge to write this blog struck me. Because of the deer, and because of Pascal.

This morning, I failed to make it out of bed when the alarm went off. This is because in the last 7 days, I have completed 106 miles, done because of a virtual race. I knew yesterday that my legs were exhausted. So this morning, I decided to skip running. It worked out that I did not miss a day of my virtual race because the morning was cloudy and I still went for a 7.5 mile walk. As I started my walk, I walked past this deer which was laying next to the bike path. It was looking at me. Obviously, it must be badly injured or it would have run away. I was deeply touched by it’s black eyes looking at me. What could be done besides call animal control?

And so I went on with my walk. When I came back 2 hours later, the deer had croaked. It was laying belly up, half it’s face already torn away. RIP dear one. But also on this walk, I saw another deer with a new born fawn.

During my walk, I got many texts. A man in my fellowship had covid. That makes two with covid, possibly from one exposure scenario in which I was present. Both people were vaccinated. Both thought they had colds. The man did not isolate, so I hope he didn’t infect anyone else. I myself had got tested a couple of days ago and am negative.

The men who do landscaping in the complex finally got around to trimming bushes. The bushes look very nice.

I suddenly remembered that estimated taxes were due 2 days ago. Quickly paid them online.

But what interesting thoughts are in my mind? Pascal’s God wager: God is either everything or he is nothing. What is your choice? Wait. This line shows up in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous in the chapter to the agnostic. The Big Book asks the alcoholic approaching step 2-3 to make a choice of God is or is not. (Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore us to sanity. Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him). Pascal says that a game is being played where heads or tails will turn up. You are forced to play and wager your life: your reason and your will, your knowledge and your happiness. If you lose, you lose the true and the good. If you win, you gain all, your life.

Pascal even has this line which seems very apropos in the context of alcoholism, “…there is no time to hesitate, you must give all…he must renounce reason to preserve his life…Learn of those who have been bound by you, and who now stake all their possessions. These are the people who know the way which you would follow, and who are cured of an ill of which you would be cured.” To get, you must give all. In sobriety, we give it away to keep it. The Big Book talks about walking far over the bridge of reason to the desired shore of faith (see chapter to the Agnostics). Again, Pascal said it first: renounce reason. Why? Because you cannot understand God, the infinite since you are finite.

That a quotation from Pascal (1660) appears in the Big Book shows that the big book did not come out of nowhere. The authors were educated men. Pascal was a philosopher/mathematician and his wager came up for me as part of a beginning philosophy course. I was astonished to read Pascal after 35 years in AA. Two ideas: choose the existence of God; and follow the people who went happily before you. In AA, we find a power greater than ourselves, and thoroughly follow the path (see How It Works, Chapter 5 of the Big Book).

Pascal finishes by saying, “I will tell you that you will thereby gain in this life, and that, at each step you take on this road, you will see so great certainty of gain, so much nothingness in what you risk, that you will at last recognize that you have wagered for something certain and infinite, for which you have given nothing.” Well, in my opinion, you wagered your very life, the only possession you actually seem to have.

Citation: From Pensées, 233, Blaise Pascal, 1660, Trotter translation.