I have recently been paying a great deal of attention to my Inner Child, otherwise known as my True Self. This attention has encompassed meditation and writing and allowing her to speak. I’ve been trying to listen. I grew up in what is considered a dysfunctional family, with one alcoholic parent. Times were difficult.
A persistent memory is one of a little girl alone in a snow storm. My parents liked to ski, and from the age of 4 or 5, I was taken along and dumped in ski school while my parents hit the slopes. Imagine a little girl in a light blue jacket that was decorated with white polka dots, ski pants, ski boots, and mittens. It is cold and snowing. This little girl is cold because the jacket is not very warm and little girls don’t generate much heat. But there she is, in a snow storm, in ski school. She happens to be pissed off at the ski instructor because she knows how to snow plow and wants to learn to parallel, but the instructor keeps yelling at her about snow plowing. Imagine a little girl, in her head, thinking the ski instructor should go fuck himself because she is determined to parallel even if she has to teach herself.
I realized yesterday that this scenario is sort of a defining point in my life: who am I and who am I going to show up in the world. The was to choose achievement over self pity. Or choose a positive path instead of a negative one. Despite the emotional hardships of an alcoholic home, I became someone who wanted to get ahead in life and work around the problems. I decided to teach myself and the rest of the people could fuck themselves. There are so many times in my life when I could have chosen disaster or suicide, but I always chose mental health, well being, and financial security. Yes, there are problems with childhood abandonment, shame, fear, and anger. Yes, I am a winner anyway.
It feels good to realize the both/and of my inner child. I am both traumatized and successful. I made lemonade out of a shit show.
You go little girl.